Mum isn’t listening to the word no

All about caring
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Hi everyone, unfortunately mum is just not accepting boundaries whatsover and I don’t know what to do anymore.

Earlier today my mum was bombarding me about going to hers to sort her phone out. I told her no but she insisted and I am away tomorrow so I had to.

There has been another example of her not accepting boundaries. Whilst at my mums she mentioned wanting to go charity shop hunting in a few weeks. I just said without thinking there is one weekend where I will be doing overtime for work but we can another time. I will be doing two extra days to represent the business at a massive charity event. We will be fundraising too.

When I mentioned it to my mum she was insistent that I took her too, but I said no it’s a work thing I’m doing overtime. She said if I take her she will just look around the shops all day and leave me too it, I responded there are barely enough shops for an hour never mind a whole weekend. Literally. There is 20 ish shops down the high street including about 4 vape shops, two tiny charity shops, an Aldi, a newsagent, a cafe, heron and the factory shop. Oh and a couple of newsagents. I told her there would be nothing to do and I will be on the stall working as I have agreed to.

I just said no because I am doing this overtime it’s a work event. I will be with my coworkers just having fun and joining in the activities. Bear in mind I never told her what this event was relating to. But she wouldn’t have it.

On the Sunday there will be a concert to conclude the event and I have got tickets. Me and my coworkers decided we would just have a night out at the end of a long weekend. I mentioned this concert thinking it would shrug her off. I told her tickets are nearly sold out (they aren’t). Me and my coworkers/friends never do anything out of work despite us being close so this event would be nice. Now she wants to tag along and won’t stop bombarding me.

I don’t know how to say no to her any louder. It’s alright her saying she will wait around but it’s a lot of waiting. I remember at my university graduation she wouldn’t let me get any professional photographs done because she was “gagging for a drink, and had to have one straight away.” She kicked off at me insanely in front of all my tutors embarrassing me. I just know if she goes to this event all I will get is her coming up to me every 10 minutes asking for money.

I also don’t want her at this concert, I will be representing the town and the business. There will be so many people I work with on a daily basis there, and if there is alcohol it’s not going to be a good mix. All she ever talks about to anyone is how her ex was a narcissist and what he did. It’s embarrassing and I just want to use this time to have fun. I don’t want these people looking at me with different glasses after she says something. There will be many other places I can take her other days but now she has got her heart set on this.

My boss just won’t have her hovering around the stall all day either. She is going back to how she was before not being allowed to go anywhere without her wanting to come along. She literally has intense FOMO.

Because of the nature of what I’m doing it will be an extremely long weekend, however the whole event is for a very worthwhile charity(s). I will be there from 10am until finish on the Saturday and 10am until the concert is finished on the Sunday. It’s an extremely long time. My expenses will also be entirely paid by the company too, so I will get all my travel, food, drinks and so on. The company won’t pay her expenses at all.

The event is happening 20 miles away from where she lives too, she knows no one there so can’t exactly go off with anyone. I’m also not having her mates tag along because then trouble will happen and it will be all my fault.

Why can’t she just listen to the words no.

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Coolcar,
My advice on your last thread is relevant here too:

Your Mum isn’t going to accept boundaries so you need to set up your own.

Personally I think I would block her number and tell her I’d ring her once a week or fortnight or when I can and leave it at that.

Tell her if she wants a trip out she will have to arrange it with her support workers. If she keeps going on about, calmly say it isn’t open for discussion and end the call or visit. This is why blocking her number is ideal you are then in control of the duration of the call.

Sadly she isn’t going to be the Mum you’d like her to be nor will she change.

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You have to accept that you can’t control mum but you can control yourself. Why on earth did you tell her where you were going and what you would be doing? You must never say “I can’t because….” You are an adult, entitled to do your own thing without mum telling you what you will be doing. I think you have to work on yourself some more. A life time of mum ruling your life won’t change immediately, but it will only change if you take control.

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Coolcar
I feel your pain and know what you are saying.
The advice given by Melly1 is spot on, so no point me saying the same.
For your own health and well being you are going to have to protect yourself otherwise you will not forgive yourself if you do not take the right steps now.
I will pray that you may be given strength, as all us carers want and need.

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I sometimes suggest that you think about where you will be when you retire. Will you look back with happiness, or be bitter and full of regrets and “if only I….” I wish someone said this to me, encouraged me to spend less of my life looking after everyone else, more time looking after myself. Most of all I wish I had a blazing row with mum about her hoarding and ultimately leaving it all to me.

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Sorry I haven’t replied. I have continued to have login issues.

The first day of the event mentioned above happened today. Luckily Mum didn’t know when the date was.

Despite my boss constantly talking about it excessively for months, it has been an excellent day. We have raised so much money and it’s only day one of the event. Tomorrow is expected to be even bigger. Luckily we have another staff member joining us tomorrow. I was only asked to do the Saturday, however I saw the program for the Sunday and I just said I would do that day too as long as I can join in some of the events.

Afterwards, my boss and I had a few drinks in the social club and were joined by one of our photographers. It was great. After we packed up and drove home with the sun setting ahead of me I couldn’t help but think how happy I was. I got a takeaway because it would be later when I got back and I just wanted to get a shower.

I got home and then it started, mum ruined a perfect day.

Mum messages me to say that she has been locked out of her home and left her keys at her friends who isn’t answering her phone or the door. I couldn’t do anything and I kicked off at mum because she needs to take more responsibility and always check if she has her keys. I tried calling her friend but no answer continuously.

I saw mum waiting outside this woman’s home as I drove back but tried to dart past her (safely of course). Because I was getting no response I contacted the landlord but they said to get a locksmith. I tried to call a locksmith and told them I would contact my mum, so I drove down where I saw her and to her home. However she was not at either, so I have not been able to anything.

I now don’t know what is happening and I can’t do anything. Her mate will be getting the bill for the locksmith. I am sick to death of mums pub mates, they are the biggest bunch of idiots ever.

I am now worried about tomorrow once again she has ruined a perfectly good weekend with her lack of responsibility. Hours later I’m still getting no response from her mate and mums phone is dead. I don’t know where she is. God forbid I call the police, they won’t do anything. (I called them the other day about someone dangerous driving and nearly driving into people the other day, they said it wasn’t their problem.)

Mum isn’t answering either suggesting that the issues hasn’t been resolved. I’m now way too tired to drive around, I’ve been going since 7am.

It’s an absolute joke. She has carers but I don’t get what they are paid to do because they do f all. They don’t help her cook, clean, go shopping, nothing. Yet she’s paying £150 a month. I’ve submitted compaints to social services but never hear anything.

Safeguarding should be helping but they do f all either. They are another service in the area which I have had no decent response from, to them it’s always someone else’s problem.

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Coolcar, I hope typing out your frustration helped.

I’ve no more advice to give as unfortunately nothing will change until you are ready to set the boundaries we all keep suggesting.

I hope tomorrow goes well.

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Coolcar my thoughts again coincides completely with Melly1.
Of-course easy for me to say. I have my own caring issues which I battle too; and again it is the setting of boundaries that I struggle with but I know for my own health and well being I cannot let up otherwise I will drown.
The biggest challenge for all carers; never give up on doing what’s right for ourselves!
And again I pray for you and all us carers that we be given that guidance, strength and fortitude we need.

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Isn’t this elderly toddler behaviour, trying to punish you for daring to have a good time. I don’t believe she forgot what day it was. It was a deliberate act to ruin it for you!

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Cool car
She wasn’t answering her phone?! Who would not have their phone in their hand when in such a desperate need. You fell into the trap yet again. Enabled her to ruin your day. If she has carers there must be a key safe or something that allows them into her home?

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Yeah I know my mum will never be a ‘mum’. I’m long past mourning the loss of that. I’m happy on my own and surviving on my own.

You’re exactly right about the phone and it just shows you. It’s my fault but yesterday evening I got home from the event and just crashed after about an hour. Up until that point I was just fuelled on energy reserves that had long run out of fuel but we’re still running somehow, only when I stop did my body crash.

Because I crashed I didn’t put my phone on do not disturb mode. So I woke abruptly with a call at 6am this morning. Yes it’s my fault and it’s a recent one time occurance. I must have slept awkwardly too because I had the worst sore throat. A hot chocolate when I got to the event sorted that right out.

Because I didn’t answer mum was messaging me asking if I was in (place of the event). So she knew obviously.

Because mum was in a crap situation instead of using her head, it kicks off her mental health response and she had been all over Facebook writing statuses about how crap her life is and so on. It’s something I ignore. It’s a response to lack of control. Yet at the event one of my mums friends was there,‘I’m good friends with her two kids having grown up together. Yet she came to the stall and started mentioning what my mum had put on Facebook. I was annoyed because it was in front of my work colleagues.

They know mum is abit loopy, however I built a brick wall many years ago about that and I don’t let on the true extent of mum to anyone but those that should help. I’ve always lived in the shadow of mums mental health growing up and was put in special Ed classes because of it. I never needed to be in those classes as proven later on but their reasoning at the time was a few things including mums serious mental health issues.

Now aged 26, I like to live away from those issues. I had a hard time finding myself through my teenage years and dealt with that badly. I was bullied badly because I was seen as weak and people took the mick out of me because mum had these issues. I still have scars today, although very few, i needless say why I have them.

I now it’s a full response but sometimes I just like to go to an event like this and forget that my mother is insane for two seconds, yet someone always has to bring me back down to Earth.

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In that case, maybe you need to develop a strategy for when someone does this, to shut them up politely? A stock phrase? Along the lines of “this isn’t the time and place, now go away”?