Hi I’m new here and very glad to find such support…
I’m currently trying my best to look after my parents, my Dad is in hospital recovering from a heart attack and pneumonia and my Mum is at home.
Mum has always had everyone looking after her…she can’t walk…is in chronic pain…refuses to take pain relief…won’t have a wheelchair…has had a lifelong ‘poor me’ attitude. She has always ordered my Dad about and made him fetch and carry, even when she wasn’t disabled and now she expects me and my lovely brother to take on the role of servants.
My brother has a full time job, he lives nearby and when my Dad went into hospital, he took it upon himself to visit every morning and every evening. He has his own health issues and wants to move away.
I fully support his decision to do this but because he has been at my Mum’s beck and call for years, she is expecting me to fill this role.
I want to help, but past nastiness from my Mum has meant that I needed to create some boundaries …start as I mean to go on.
I have told her that I love her and want to help, but in my own way.
I have a family and am hoping to get a new job soon, but I also have health issues… I was diagnosed with a small benign brain tumour which causes me some problems and I have chronic pain from arthritis.
My Mum is horrified at my suggestion that she should try to help herself in order to care for my Dad when he comes home.
‘I have cared for him for 60 years, I need caring for’ I don’t think she wants him to come home
‘I won’t be an invalid’ she said this when I suggested a fold up wheelchair so I can easily transport her to the hospital to see him.
When my Dad nearly died, he had collapsed outside on a frosty night going to water the plant that my Mum had nagged him to do that day. He was outside for 20 minutes before she went to look for him.
All she said was that she had had a massive shock and needed me to stay over, which I did for a couple of nights
She refused to go to the hospital to visit, saying 'He’s YOUR father…I don’t like hospitals!
I finally got her to visit 8 days later.
When I have tried to speak to her about some adaptations to their house…it is always…
‘We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it’ ‘I don’t want my home to look like an old people’s home’ etc etc
Anyway, we are now at an impasse…
I am now being given the ‘Silent treatment’ again which is par for the course.
This has always happened when I try to suggest things and it has always been me who offers an olive branch.
I have decided now not to get upset as I have read a lot of your posts about narcissistic and passive aggressive behaviour and have recognised many of these traits in my mother.
I apologise for the long post, but I would welcome any advice or suggestions on how to proceed without losing my mind!XXX