I literally just set myself up on here and I feel the need to post something straight away. Sorry for no introductions etc!
My mum has been mentally ill my whole life. She used to cope by drinking but about six years ago there were several suicide attempts and a stay in hospital.
Things were better until about 12 months ago when her chronic pain and sleepless nights led to another decline into crisis.
About 6 weeks ago there were a number suicide attempts which have resulted in another stay in hospital.
My mum is deeply unhappy in her relationship with my stepfather and she expressed her need to leave him to get well just before going into hospital. I made a very impulsive offer for her to come and stay with me and my wife whilst she recovers and looks for a retirement home.
I do not intend to retract the offer but I’m absolutely terrified things won’t work out.
I can’t tell you the number of different “not working out” scenarios I play out in my mind but it’s exhausting and mum’s not even here yet!
We have a discharge meeting next week though so I think it’s imminent.
I have always been a people pleaser and I’m frightened of being stuck between my mentally ill mother and my autistic wife (who is incredibly supportive but has VERY rigid ideas of how things should be done).
I have zero ability to create boundaries and I know it’s going to wear me down.
So sorry to rant. Just hoping there’s someone out there who might be able to give me some advice.
May you be well 
Hi shorty81, welcome to the fourm. 1st off you done the right thing for asking for help as many of us have been in the same boat as you. I have been there myself with my mum so I know what is like. Now take a few deep breaths to help calm yourself down. Write out with your wife help questions to ask the discharge team, like what support can they help you with etc. Don’t let them bully you into a corner for a bed as if what you are saying that your mum is a high risk then maybe she should be in a home where they can help her and treat her as many care home can’t look after you mum as they’re design for older people than people with mental health problems. Let us know how you getting on. Take care and see the gp for extra help
Thanks Michael_1910123. Sorry you have experienced something similar.
My mum is by no means “fixed” but I do think she is probably ready to leave hospital and come to us. I’m just not sure if I’m ready.
I’m sorry for how terribly selfish this sounds.
I just can’t get my head around how it’s all going to work without one of us having a breakdown.
I do have a mindfulness practice and I’m engaging with it as best I can (always so much easier to do when everything is ok).
My brother died by suicide in 2009 and I cannot bear the thought of losing my mum this way. As a result I just say yes to everything. I know this is going to irritate my wife and probably make me very resentful.
May you be well
Hey @Shorty81, I can see that you are afraid of what to do the best. Take one day at a time but let them know that you are afraid that you don’t think you can handle it as they will have to come up with another plan of action.
You cannot be forced to care. Once she is out of hospital no one will care about you. They will have got their bed back.
You need to push them to find a residential home for mum and transfer her there from hospital.
@bowlingbun thanks for replying but I just couldn’t do that. I don’t want my mum to go to a residential home when I have a spare room in my own home. It just wouldn’t feel right. And my mum wouldn’t go. She would end up back with my stepfather who is an alcoholic narcissist and completely unable to care for her. I’d definitely like to build some boundaries but that wall feels a bit too high for me.
May you be well
All you can do is see how it goes. If your Mum is not happy or you and your wife you will have to rethink. It may be that a residential home is better for her. If you are determined to go ahead with her living at your house then you need to have some support or back up.
Have you spoken to Social Services?
Have you spoken to MIND?
Thanks @Penny!
One day at a time is good advice.
I don’t think any of us have expressed our anxiety to mum’s team. Perhaps we should but I don’t really want them to think that I’m selfish and just thinking about myself. I’d also hate for my mum to find out that I’m scared. I feel like she needs us all to be strong at the moment.
But I’m overthinking…I know I am. I’ll try to slow down and stop guessing what it will look like.
Thanks for taking the time to message.
May you be well
If you are scared then it really is important that the team caring for mum are aware of this. It’s not about what you want or mum wants, it’s about what mum NEEDS. That may be very different. When my mum was very frail, we tried everything possible to keep her living in her own home. It worked for 7 years, but when she developed sepsis, she wasn’t strong enough any more with a Zimmer frame. That meant she couldn’t walk to the bathroom and manage on her own. Given the choice of sitting in her own mess at home or having someone always on hand to help keep her clean, she chose residential care. Now what she wanted, but it was needed. You should be given the chance to talk through your feelings, and to ask them for a back up plan. Have they offered 6 weeks free Reablement Care while she settles in with you?
If your wife is going to be unhappy, and makes mum unhappy, where does that leave you? Piggy in the middle! Read your first message again. If mum wanted to leave your step dad, where was she planning on living? If it was going to be a temporary stay with you, then a home, were you thinking she could live on her own? Is this practical? If so, are you looking now?
Hi @bowlingbun,
Thanks for messaging.
I think my mum can definitely live on her own eventually. Especially in a retirement facility where there is a ready made of community.
In the meantime she will stay with us and I’ll just try to make the best of it.
I think I might’ve panicked the other day and I just need to slow down a bit.
I’ll see how things are when mum is discharged and try not to leapfrog to conclusions.
Thanks for your support.
May you be well
Is there somewhere like that where you/mum live with vacancies. Usually waiting lists are years long, waiting for someone to die!