Mum 95 with longterm partner 86 double problems

Hi not sure how this works. For the last 2 years Mum and her longterm partner of 18 years (they got together after Dad passed 22 years ago) have been constantly in crisis. Mum has hearing and sight problems but brain ok and D her partner has dementia. It is taking a huge toll on me as I live on my own age 71 and have no personal support.

Between them they have 9 children. But D’s 4 sons not interested and hostile.

Latest crisis is D has been taken to hospital w breathing problems. Have emailed his sons. One brother of mine is with Mum. Feel v shakey. Would like some connection. Thanks

How do I see replies to my post?

Hi Susan and welcome. At time of writing I am the first reply to you. You can see your posts and replies easily by clicking top left where it says “quick links” by three little lines. That brings up a pull down list and “your posts” is the first item.

People tend to reply intermittently, we are certainly not 24/7 as we fit this in with our real life caring situations.

As you are finding most bumble along until a crisis hits. You’ve done the right thing contracting Ds sons as I believe legally they are next of kin and have various decisions responsibilities. However do go through his things and see if there is a will or Power of Attorney that gives responsibility to anyone else.

As for Mum, now is the time to contact local Social services and explain she needs urgent Needs assessment due to hospitalization of partner. You cannot carry on alone any longer and need outside help


Welcome to the forum.

Has anyone told you that you CANNOT be forced to care for anyone else? D is NOT your problem at all, but as he lives with mum, it all gets so complicated, and will need a bit of “unravelling”.

If you could answer the following questions first, it will give us an idea of what options are best in your circumstances, because it depends on home and money issues.

Who owns the home where they have been living?
Does mum have over £23,000 in savings? (Yes/No)
How much help does mum need?
Do you have Power of Attorney sorted out for mum? If not, sort it out asap.
Is she claiming Attendance Allowance?
Finally, it’s better if mum’s money is in a joint account with you, then only half counts as mum’s when it comes to financial assessments, but don’t tell the council I said that!!

How many brothers and sisters do you have?
Do they ever do anything to help? (If not, we call them Helicopters here, just dropping in from time to time and flying off again!)