I’ve never posted before but have been checking the forum out recently. I’m a carer for my mam and have been for 27 years. I also work full time and mam has a PA whilst I’m at work. Mam is 79 now and has a huge stroke when she was 52.
Mam lives with me and although Iove her so much I’m finding harder both physically and emotionally to keep up the level of care and work. My employer is really understanding but sometimes I just feel like I can’t do it anymore. Feels awful typing these words.
Thanks for reading.
Hi Angela, how much support does mum need? Or should that be can she do anything for herself?
What would help most right now?
Is she claiming DLA? Exemption from Council Tax (which can be backdated to the stroke! The highest refund I’ve heard of so far is £8,000!!!)
That is such a long time being a carer.
Has there been a recent needs assessment for your Mam and carers assessment for you. If you are struggling more you should be able to get extra help from Social Services.
How is the PA being paid. Does Mam have attendance allowance.
I just feel like I can’t do it anymore
You don’t need to do anymore you do need to have extra help.
Feels awful typing these words
Don’t feel awful you have reached a place. Where you are searching for some answers. Here is the right place.
I feel for you, my husband was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy just after we married nearly 29 years ago and has slowly got worse all that time and is now bedridden. I relate to you and I’ve just been reading online about carer burnout, maybe you need to get a break, I know how hard it is to organise but for your sanity maybe it’s what you need? Social services could help I think, to help you with funding and respite care (someone coming in or maybe a short stay somewhere for your mum). Really hope you get a break xx
p.s. I’ve just joined the forum and I don’t really understand how you post etc but I saw I could reply to you- take care of yourself all the best
Thank you everyone. I’m currently taking antidepressants which do help. I have all the benefits in place bit maybe should ask for more help. Think it’s just that Im often exhausted and have no energy to do anything other than work and care. Its good to help sharing my thoughts as it feels better putting it in words. I really appreciate everyone that has took the time to reply.
Not sure I’ve posted this reply correctly! .
Pills don’t solve a situation, help does!
How long is the PA there during the day?
How is she funded, Social Services or NHS Continuing Healthcare?
What does she do all day?
When does she leave and you take over?
Is the house streamlined as possible, with dishwasher, washer dryer or tumble dryer?
Ask yourself if you would rather mum now went into a nursing home?
Either mum has more care at your place, or moves to somewhere there is a TEAM of people 24/7 to care for her. Age + serious disability = someone who needs an awful lot of help.
My mum and I decided that the only option left for her was residential care. We’d tried every single option before we came to this conclusion. So difficult, but it was the right decision.
Wishing you a warm welcome to the forum.
Its understandable how you are feeling Angela, you have a lot of responsibilities with your caring and job commitments. It’s important that you try and have some quality time for ‘you’ doing something that you enjoy and relaxes you. There are a variety of ways in which Carers UK could help you further through events that are currently virtually over Zoom or perhaps providing you with more advice for seeking help with additional much needed support.
Carers UK are running online weekly meet ups for carers to take some time for themselves and chat to other carers. Feel free to join if you’d like to and there’s no pressure to share anything you don’t want to.
You can find information on how to register to our online meetups at the following pages:
Care for a Cuppa: Online meetups | Carers UK
Share and Learn: Share and Learn | Carers UK
Our Telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email (firstname.lastname@example.org)
They also provide information and guidance to unpaid carers. This covers a range of subjects including:
Benefits and financial support
Your rights as a carer in the workplace
Carers’ assessments and how to get support in your caring role
Services available to carers and the people you care for
How to complain effectively and challenge decisions
Just wanted to check how you are and to follow up on my initial message I wrote to you a few months ago. I hope that the Carers UK Forum is helpful and beneficial to you and your situation. Please leave a message to let me know how you are getting on.
I’ve been a carer since I was 27, I’m now approaching 70!
The biggest challenge I’ve found is that things I could do in a flash when I was younger, are now almost impossible.
It’s not just our parents getting old, we are too.
Mum is 10 years older than me, so even without the stroke, would be suffering from all the usual effects of age.
The stroke makes those far worse.
There is no shame in saying that the time has come for mum to move into residential care. Try to find a good home, near yours, so you can still see mum regularly, knowing that someone else is now shouldering the caring. Of course, in a care home, it’s not one worn out carer, but a TEAM of carers.