Hi, I’m looking for some help/advice. I’ll try and keep it brief.
My mum (91) has been caring for her partner (94) for the last 4 years in her home. He’s diagnosed altzheimer’s and isn’t safe to live alone. Over the last 2 years my mother has also developed memory problems which are quite severe (the GP did the short test but she refuses to be referred for diagnosis). Mum and her partner only met in their 80’s.
My brother and I are caring for both of them by visiting daily, shopping, correspondence, ordering meals (mum can still heat up things in the oven). We manage his medication with the use of an automatic box that rings twice a day and mum’s is cellotaped along the kitchen wall units i.e. blister packs with the days on (although she often forgets but we visit daily). They can wash and dress.
Her partner is becoming more stubborn and bad tempered. He has a bad chest infection, is refusing to go the the GP and has been really nasty about it. Mum is becoming more and more distressed but refuses to let me involve his daughter who lives away, and has family ‘issues’. Although she phones occasionally she isn’t really interested. In any case she isn’t here.
I’ve reached the end of my tether. I can’t cope with him anymore. I work 4 days a week and look after my 10 month old grandchild one day. I’m exhausted. He isn’t my responsibility. I feel like just stopping filling his medication box and detaching from the situation. What other options do I have?
I apologise if I come across as being selfish but I really can’t do this anymore.
Not selfish, exhausted!!
It’s a very difficult situation, it would be difficult if it was your own dad, ten time worse as he’s not related.
The situation will continue until YOU, and only you, do something, they have lost the ability to see things clearly enough, it’s a general trait in the very elderly, not just them.
Clearly he needs to see the doctor, like it or not. Do you know who his doctor is? I suggest you write/email to him, explain the situation, and ask for him to do a home visit, on the pretence of “just checking up on our most senior patients”.
I think you should also write to the daughter, tell her that he’s not your responsibility, that it’s time for her to step in, maybe visit as it’s Christmas time.
Who owns the house, or is it rented?
Are either of them claiming Attendance Allowance?
Do you have Power of Attorney for either of them?
What do YOU want to happen now? Him to move into a nursing home, mum to stay where she is, or both of them move into residential care together, or have a live in carer?
A lot depends on their financial situation, which takes me back to the question of who owns the home?
Thanks bowlingbun.
I feel I only have enough emotional resource left to look after my own mum and even that is getting increasingly difficult. If her partner wasn’t there I think she would probably live longer and be better off without the stress, though she won’t see it like that.
It is her house, he has his own bungalow but isn’t safe to live in it. I have managed to get an appointment for him this afternoon. I will turn up at her house and hope he will get in the car. But this is the last thing I am going to do for him. I know it isn’t his fault, but I just can’t do it.
I’ve been doing a bit of research and understand that I could request a needs assessment for him without having mum assessed. He won’t agree, but as he lacks capacity I don’t think he will have the choice. I will tell the council that I’m withdrawing care and that mum can no longer care for him. I feel really guilty and mum may never forgive me, but something has to be done.
He’ll have to pay for his care but that’s none of my business. No one has POA for him, he’s basically been living at mum’s rent free whilst his money builds up. She won’t ask him for money. I insist on him paying for half his meals and he looks at me as if I’m trying to rip him off. I have POA for mum.
Well done. Let us know how the appointment goes.
Of course he should have contributed for ALL the food, electric, water and gas that he uses at very least. With residential care about £,1000 per week, just think how much he has effectively taken from mum!
Just think how much extra his daughter will inherit too.
Tell the daughter very clearly, don’t pussyfoot around, that he MUST move out…
If he owns a house then the choices are as follows:-
- Moves in with his daughter
- Moves back to his house with appropriate support or
- Moves into residential care.
Don’t feel guilty, everyone has been using you, taking advantage of both mum and you, for far too long. Feel proud of what you have done, but it’s ENOUGH.
Hello and welcome!
Have you requested a needs assessment or not? Does he own the property? If so, tell him that he has 3 choices. It is up to him to decide. You can support him however gently by telling him about the reality etc.
1-Live in a care home
2-Hire paid for carers
3-Go to live with his daughter (this is not always the best choice however).
It is time for things to be different. You need to ask for a needs assessment. This is the first step of the process to getting services. A financial assessment must also be done at the same time to figure out payment etc. Keep us posted on the upcoming appointment as well. Good luck!
Thara, with respect, your reply is still expecting Dawn to do things that are NOT her job, but that of the daughter.
It really doesn’t matter whether they like each other, ultimately it’s up to the daughter, not Dawn, to sort this out.
I suspefct that faced with the prospect of dad moving in with her, the daughter will act almost immediately to avoid that, as, after all, she hasn’t exactly been caring has she???
Hi
Thanks for the advice so far. I managed to get him to the GP who prescribed antibiotics.
My brother has volunteered to do most of the caring at the moment; however, he has discovered that my mum’s partners money is mounting up to the tune of £1000 per month whilst our mum’s is remaining static. Basically, she (i.e. we) are supporting him financially.
Whilst we can draw out cash for him when he asks - he’ll give us his card, he is nowhere near paying his way. As already said, his family would be paying up to £600 A WEEK in a home. I think we have to do something about this.
I understand we can make a deputy application but I don’t want us to go down this route because, quite honestly, we don’t want to do it. We either want his daughter or someone else to take control of his money and pay my mum whilst he’s with her.
The problem is my mum, she won’t ask him for money and would be horrified if we got others involved to obtain money for his care.
Any suggestions?
Hi
Thanks for the advice so far. I managed to get him to the GP who prescribed antibiotics.
My brother has volunteered to do most of the caring at the moment; however, he has discovered that my mum’s partners money is mounting up to the tune of £1000 per month whilst our mum’s is remaining static. Basically, she (i.e. we) are supporting him financially.
Whilst we can draw out cash for him when he asks - he’ll give us his card, he is nowhere near paying his way. As already said, his family would be paying up to £600 A WEEK in a home. I think we have to do something about this.
I understand we can make a deputy application but I don’t want us to go down this route because, quite honestly, we don’t want to do it. We either want his daughter or someone else to take control of his money and pay my mum whilst he’s with her.
The problem is my mum, she won’t ask him for money and would be horrified if we got others involved to obtain money for his care.
Any suggestions?
Have you spoken to Social Services about his financial abuse of mum?
Focus on the fact that HE NEEDS TO GO! Don’t get sidetracked by anything else.
He is the daughter’s responsibility, not yours or mum’s.
I haven’t spoken to social services because one of my brothers doesn’t want to yet; however, he isn’t happy about the money situation either.
I know he needs to go but I feel my hands are tied. Whichever, way we go we’re going to upset mum. I may suggest asking his daughter to pay mum for his care and if she refuses then it’s either social services or taking him down to his daughter’s as suggested by my sister-in-law. But mum would be distraught (even though she would be less anxious).
There’s no easy solution to these awful problems is there 
Hi Dawn,
Do you think that Mum is frightened of losing the company he provides, is ‘brain washed’ (sorry for that awful term but can’t think of another at the moment) by him, or doesn’t realise that she does not have to look after him at all.
I wonder if a visit to an appropriate solicitor would shed some light? Maybe a letter to the daughter suggesting that he owes for his keep. However be wary. I don’t know the law but perhaps as his current status is as a ‘guest’ in your Mum’s home makes it easier to get him out than if he was paying some kind of rent. Be very wary, because if Mum is under his influence at all, then who knows what he might ask her to sign?
Is that POA for Mum activated?
At the very least talk to Age UK or similar. IF he left and Mum was initially upset, do you think she would soon forget or do you think she is desperate for ‘someone’ to be there, however anxious it makes her? Are you able to get Mum on her own and have a good chat about things or is he always present?
The daughter is in clover. She has no responsibility, no expenses and presumably will benefit from the sale of his old home?
They both, father and daughter, sound like ‘users’ from what you have posted.
To be brutal, but honest, things are only going to get worse. Inevitable.
You need professional advice and need to act soon.