Loss of my support and best friend

I have recently lost my much loved Dad at the age of 99 years old. I was his carer for about 14 years and it was something I regarded as a pleasure in many ways. He remained active for his age (that old cliche) and only in the last few years or so started to decline both mentally and in general health. Being housebound during the pandemic hardly helped. I miss him so much for his kindness and support. I have what might be described as a feral sibling who liked to take out her venom out on me in the verbal sense. My Dad stood by me against this - although amongst other things it cost him access to his grandchildren. To make things worse he had a nasty fall a few weeks before he died - he was patched up at a local walk-in medical centre but absolutely refused to attend the local A&E for a further check up. Remember this is during the pandemic and our local hospital already had an awful reputation for disease control - plus 2 close relatives had recently caught the virus from a hospital visit. The media stories of old people dying alone in hospital alone with covid did not help either. I think I did the right thing in supporting him. His death being recorded as fraility and not directly connected to his fall. With all this background I am finding it difficult beyond belief to find any peace of mind. Did I let him down?

No Chris, you didn’t let your Dad down - not in any way, shape or form - so please get that idea out of your head.

You have nothing to reproach yourself for. These next few weeks will be hard - coming to terms with the death of a much loved parent is always difficult but you should take some consolation in the fact that your loving care enabled him to reach the grand old age of 99.

Try to forget these last few weeks and instead concentrate on remembering the good times you had together.

I think it’s part of grief, the feeling that you have let the person you cared for and loved down. I know I did in moments of despair.
You didn’t let your dad down at all. Sounds like you have been a wonderful daughter. I’m sure your dad felt you were!!
Be proud of what you did, and look for the happy memories.