Morning all

Im hoping someone can help me with the more technical side of all this. Long and short is that I’m dealing with a case of vascular dementia in a moderate state, copd and various stroke and heart attacks with a friend’s husband. He has personality disorder as well which is resulting in awful, abusive behaviour. She is at the end of being able to cope, GP is useless, SS are ringing in the next 48 hours but generally the day and night are just tourturous for her. What are the legalities of her “abandoning” him in hospital if he ends up there again? She absolutely cannot cope with him at home any longer. If he ends up back in, she can refuse to have him home on the basis of her own health suffering so much? Respite care seems unavailable currently and the aim is to get him into a care home but that is a slow process. Any help of the actual legal obligation of the council, nhs, etc would be amazing. Thankyou :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

Hello & welcome Emma

I do feel for your friend fortunately she has you. No one has to care for someone else. And that all sounds simplistic but in reality is very hard. Basically, If there is no one at home who has the mental and/or physically capacity and strength. To provide the home care of a person that individual must have appropriate care provided elsewhere. Until there is a meeting with all agencies i.e hospital consultants, mental health and social services to provide a care plan. That individual should remain under the NHS.

Thankyou, I’m printing this off for her. She is seeing a SW Monday and hopes they will help from there. I’ve said it’s more to do with her refusing to take him back home with all of his mental issues as he is a complete liability. She has to dig in and flatly refuse and state her side of it. It’s an absolute nightmare, needless to say none of his children are willing to help etc.

She has to be absolutely adamant that she can no longer provide ANY care. No ifs or buts.

Awful situation.
The local authority has a Duty of care to provide social care for someone who’s been assessed as having care needs. You don’t say if there is a care package in place already, or of your friend is caring for him alone?
Your friend should call social services and say they want to raise safeguarding issues in relation to her husband , if she feels he’s unsafe to be at home, and , possibly most importantly , for herself. Whether intentional or not, she’s suffering from abuse.
***Ask for an email adresss and put together an email (2 separate emails if raising for both) and put it in writing.
Anyone can raise safeguarding issues, it doesn’t have to be a carer or relative .
Have a look at these documents from a LA re safeguarding be assessments

And this from SCIE about safeguarding and the types of abuse

Thankyou again. There is no care package in place currently. She has a meeting Monday with a social nurse to discuss everything. She was a mental health nurse in a secure unit, she’s no wimp and knows exactly how to deal with it but it’s flooring her as it’s 24/7. She’s hiding knives in the car and the house keys have to be on a chain around her neck etc.

Hello Emma

Thank you for joining the forum and posting about your friend’s situation. I would suggest that you email Carers UK’s Helpline at and one of our advisers will respond (usually within a few days) to let you know what your friend’s rights are in this situation.

Wishing you and your friend well


Increasingly filming or recording someone’s behaviour seems to make others realise just how bad things really are - as long as it’s done secretly and safely. Then there can be no fooling anyone.