Violent and destructive patient


My girlfriend and I have her mother living with us who has vascular dementia. However this has become seriously unbearable and is destroying our mental health and is damaging the health of my dogs. My question is whether anyone knows if she be charged with abandonment if she takes her to her old home and has to leave her to go to work after tipping off social services? My girlfriend and I always knew that her mother was cruel, manipulative and attention seeking but as her dad died many years ago she felt a duty to look after her mother as no one else in the family could stand her, myself included if I am honest. My girlfriend is a very kind person. It became clear that she could no longer live by herself as she was locking the local authority carers out and calling the police if her breakfast was deemed substandard. Therefore I reluctantly agreed that she could move into our spare room as I was told she had agreed to stay out of my way whilst working from home and my girlfriend believed she only had a year or so left to live. However since she has moved in she has deliberately attacked my property causing thousands of pounds of damage, is incontinent and uses it as a weapon when angry as she usually is, has hit me and my girlfriend repeatedly with objects, fed pork pies (she won’t eat what we eat) to my dog who has now been diagnosed with heart disease and likes to open the front door and try and entice the dogs into the road for attention when I am on zoom calls. As we all live in my house, I am at my wits end and my job is now at risk I plan to remove her after a care assessment is done on Tuesday. My girlfriend (who completely supports the need for her to go and admits all feeling for her has gone) will then have to take her home and leave her there during the day to go to work 60 miles away where she would be a danger to herself. Does anyone know if she will have done enough by calling the police and warning social services about this? or could she be held to ransom by being told that she cannot leave her whilst they lack the resources to act swiftly thereby causing her to leave a job she loves? Her mother actually owns her house out right so she can afford to pay for a care home it is just that the house has not been sold yet so we would need help from the council with costs until the property can be sold. Thanks for any advice given.

Ring Social Services tomorrow and explain the situation. I don’t know why you have put up with it so long.
INSIST that she goes into emergency respite care or hospital, for assessment, IMMEDIATELY.
Do the same to the GP who should have helped long ago.
Don’t worry about the money at this stage, the first few weeks will be based on income only, unless she is entitled to NHS Continuing Healthcare - read up on this.
If possible, and safe to do so, record some of her behaviour on your mobile phone. Many find this is the easiest way of getting SSD and the doctor to understand.

thanks Bowlingbun. That makes me feel a lot better. I will be more insistent with social services who are actually coming out on Tuesday to do an assessment and follow up with a care to the doctor. Good point about recording her behaviour. Thanks again.

I think on average we have one or two people a year in your awful situation. I remember in one very extreme situation I said just call 999 and the person in question was in hospital very quickly, about 2 hours. The carer got in touch with me to say thanks for giving her “permission” to admit it was all too much, and OK to say that mum needed more help than she could give.
One of our members, Pet, had to let her husband go into care, because his needs were so high. I’m sure she will be along presently. Dementia is horrible, it’s taken my grandmother, lovely mum in law, and now my sister in law at the young age of 73. All spent their final months in residential care.

Hi Andrew
Your girlfriends Mother will be cared for in residential. 24/7 and not by the same member of staff. They do shifts then go home and are used to aggression. Not very nice, but they choose to do the care work and get paid for it. Your girlfriend has a right to life without constant aggression and so do you.
I loved my husband very much, we had a happy marriage. The vascular dementia changed his personality, he was never aggressive to me but became very verbal with dementia and other issues. Was never cruel and manipulative.
I agree with Bowlingbun. Make it clear that either of you can care for her any longer. She is a danger to herself and to both of you plus your pets. They are important too.
Am sad to read your post. To be honest you will be doing a kindness to your girlfriends Mother by her going into care.

Thanks Pet66, sorry to hear about your husband it must be terrible when someone has a complete personality change and is a loved husband or wife. Reading the comments on here has really helped. I expected to hear from people that I was being unkind and selfish and I would have listened as you never know if you are being unreasonable and it something that you really ought to just accept no matter how extreme. But people have been very understanding.

Dementia is awful fullstop but when people get nasty and aggressive it is even harder. Thank God my Mum never got like that but I do know people who have lived with abusive and hurtful people like that.

I have known people who have been pushed over and hit with walking sticks by people they are looking after and also people who make their carers lives such hell that they won’t allow anybody else in the house so they have to battle on alone. At the end of the day though these people can’t help it and it is just their bad luck that dementia manifests itself in this way.

When it gets to this stage I do believe they will get much better care in a residential setting with trained staff and proper medication.

I had the nicest, kindest mum in law in the world. Never ever a cross word between us.
Towards the end of her life she developed dementia, father in law found it very difficult, especially as she had run the house and did everything he ever needed, especially in the kitchen. When she wasn’t her usual self, and said odd things, I used to say to him that he knew it was the dementia talking, he knew his wife would never say or do that.
It helps if you try to remember the love and kindness of the “real” person who is slipping away.

With few exceptions, parents would always want the best for their children, a happy life lived to the full.
They would never want to wreck the lives of their children.
If they were unable to make decisions for themselves, they would prefer their children who knew and loved them in return, to make arrangements for the care they NEED.
No one ever wants to end their lives in residential care, but it’s the only way you can get a team of people to look after someone who needs help and supervision at any time of the day or night.

I can offer no more advice other than the steller advice from bowlingbun. Record as many incidents as is safe to do so. You should have a social worker. Get them to put you on a safeguarding list. Call the police on her. Harsh, I know, but the more personal protection orders you can get, the more weight you have. Am in a very similar situation, sans dog, and I can understand. No real help to you I know, but just know you are not alone. I have been told that unless my Mum is a danger to herself or others, there is nothing they can do to remove her. Well, in your situation, it seems there is a danger to others so please pursue.

Thanks Flutterbee, all this advice has helped. In fact an assessment was done and they quickly realized there was a very big problem here. She is going to be moved into care very quickly. Hopefully early next week. It is a shame as I think most people would have been delighted to spend their final days living with family who are always around, and their pets, and having meals cooked for them every evening but the cruelty of this illness is that they are not able to appreciate that and bring about worse.

Andrew, it’s going to be a difficult week emotionally, just remember that it’s what mum NEEDS.
This weekend sort out suitable clothes and name them clearly. No wooly jumpers, as everything will be washed at high temperatures in a home. NO valuables. Tell your girlfriend to feel proud of all she has done, keeping mum at home as long as you possibly could.