Leaving Mum in her own home

Hi everyone
For the last two years, since Covid started, I have been caring for my Mum.
She has been living with me during this time but has now returned to her own home, 20 miles away.
She is disabled with arthritis, fairly bed bound but can get around indoors with a wheelchair.
I have arranged for carers to go in three times a day and a meals on wheels service to give her lunch.
My sister, who usually lives with my Mum, is looking after her ill partner (who lives locally) and has decided not to help in anyway. So everything is down to me.
I am exhausted with looking after Mum and very fed up with feeling trapped as I feel I can’t leave her for very long.
We have never had a brilliant relationship so this is all proving very stressful.
I moved her back to her home yesterday and I am full of guilt, I can’t sleep and am worrying about all the things that could go wrong.
My husband has been very supportive, but he has been looking after his mum for the last two years and I don’t want to burden him too much with my worries. We had been living apart for this time and sadly his Mum died in February of this year. Which in some ways has been a relief.
I feel overwhelmed and it feels like I have lost all my independence.
It would be easier to just have Mum back living with me (which I think she really wants to do) and stop feeling so guilty about letting her go home.
But I am so worn out with caring I’m very torn.
Sorry for this long post, I just needed to share.
PS there are no carers available where I live.

Hi Lesley

You’ve had your hands full for a while, and it’s perfectly reasonable to have a break!

It’s also perfectly reasonable to take the decision to not do everything for your mum.You and your husband have done enough caring for others. Time to care for yourselves.

It is time mum either has live in carers or residential care. You cannot care for her any more. Focus on what she needs, not what she wants. I know it’s tough and horrible for all concerned, but you are not invincible, clearly worn out in need of a holiday, an end to the nightmare.
As a first step, sit down with your husband and write a list of what each parent NEEDS, as opposed to wants.
Another list of the time you each spent last week doing things for parents.
The time you spent doing something special for yourselves, meal out, walk, etc.

Have both parents had a Social Services Needs Assessment?