Just realising I am a carer

I’m just realising I am actually a carer. I took our friend Hannah into our home as she couldn’t live in Liverpool any longer, and she has been with us for 4 months.

Hannah has bad mental health issues, and due to trauma caused by family, which was childhood, but all came out in the last 2 years gradually, she got bad.

She cant stay in Liverpool anymore, she cant work, she cant stay at her mums in Liverpool as it is too close to all the issues and people. And the services in Liverpool were not great.

So I threw her a life jacket and said come stay with us. My husband and I.

It has been harder than I imagined. I was naive. It’s making me ill now.

My husband and I need to start a conversation with Hannah along the lines of, when can you move out.

But I dont know what her options are.
She has applied for Universal Credit, pending. But has only PIP right now.

She doesn’t want to work.

I keep crying. I’ve been married 3 years. I’d like my home back. What do I do?

Hi Leila,
So sorry to hear about your situation. Do you own your home or are you renting?
You and your husband were very kind to take your friend in but you didn’t intend for her to stay indefinitely.
You could say that you need the room she’s in because your mum/sister/ friend wants to stay. But I think the best thing is to just be honest with her and tell her that when you took her in you thought it would be just for a few weeks, you didn’t intend it to be forever. Tell her you value your privacy and will she please start looking for alternative accommodation.
Ask her to phone/visit the local council to tell them her situation. They may well say that they won’t do anything unless she’s homeless. This may mean you have to write a letter saying that you can’t have her staying with you any longer.
It’s important that you and your husband are united about this.

Welcome to the forum. I’m sure you realise that you were just the soft touch she was looking for.
Just because she "can’t do this, that and the other does NOT mean that it has to be you that helps.
Your top priority has to be your husband, and I think it’s really important that he tells her directly that she must move out of HIS home. Every day she lives with you means that it will be harder and harder to get her out, so start now!
Give her a definite date, I would suggest February 1st, when she has to leave. Speak to Shelter, and find out how you can help her, and should you give her notice in writing.
How old is she?
Where was she living when she moved in with you?
Does she still have a flat or room somewhere else, and her “stuff”?

Do I assume there is no contribution to the house hold bills. Just because she doesn’t want to work doesn’t mean she should not. She can also volunteer for a few hours a day. Even if PIP is all she is getting. A contribution how even small should happen.

Speak with shelter…

Speak with mind…

Speak with citizens advice…

Be careful excepting money for rent particularly if you are rented accommodation. Except and expect money for food and heating etc. Make her sign the money is for these items as a contribution.

If you except money for rent you are providing a service and possibly a non written contact.

Hello and welcome!

Offer to find her a property. Fix a date for her to leave. In the mean time, start asking her to pay rent to you. That might work. Do you have a lawyer or not? Write letters asking her to leave. If she refuses and is violent, request help immediately.

Definitely call Shelter for advice as well. But do not be violent as you are breaking the law then. Is she seeing a counsellor or therapist? She needs to take responsibility for herself now. Please don’t delay. Seek professional advice pronto.

Thank you all for the replies so far.

We own our home, she is not contributing currently.
She moved some of her stuff down with her to ours. More than we expected!
Xmas and new year will be hard for her so yes I think 1st Feb might be good date to suggest.
She has been getting counselling through a charity for free. She has made progress since being with us. We have helped her. But yes I am now recognising that time is coming to end.
I’ve been at a friends all weekend as not felt able to go home as my home isn’t mine anymore. Been feeling v emotional and depressed.
Grateful for advice and links shelter charity etc. Thank you

If you are already leaving your home. I would not be waiting until feb. Please make sure when you leave your property. Things are left as protected as possible. Check your insurance company what your insurance covers…

For some one else living in your property. Many insurance companies void policies if they are unaware of other adults in the property. When things change an other party doesn’t like the outcome. Personalities can change when circumstances change No one knows how people react to certain situation/s.

If you feel any concerns now on that subject. Please take necessary precautions.

Hello again,

Since I first wrote, we have all had a chat, including husband, and agreed it’s time she moves out. Asap. She doesn’t understand my feelings and is hurt by me, but I feel sure we are doing the right thing.

She has found somewhere and should be moving out this week or just after xmas. I just got home from 2 days away thinking she moving out this week and she told me not til jan as doesn’t want to pay rent if away over xmas. I literally just told her if it’s a case of saving £100 I’d just give it to her to leave before xmas. She has done well to find a place and use her annoyance at me for action rather than go low into depression. She wouldn’t have done that 6 months ago. So I guess I’m pleased she is pissed at me!

I am ready for this to be over and to have our house back now.

Our friendship is not great because of this, but I hope she will realise at some point that I tried my best.

Thank you for the support,


If she has no money presumably she will be getting housing benefit, so it makes absolutely no difference when she moves in as it will all be covered by benefits. Once more you are letting her do what she wants, TELL her she has to go before Christmas. Where is up to her!


as it will all be covered by benefits.

Depends on the area , BB … the more prosperous , the larger the gap between the rent paid and HB received.

HB , through the Housing Allowance , remains frozen … since 2015 … rents continue to rise nationwide.

I will assume that the dreaded Bedroom Tax does not apply here ?

Yes Chris, my own son pays a small top up, but that is NOT a matter for Leila!

Agreed … a problem many face but not well documented beyond the CAB and Shelter … and a certain thread on this forum.