Hi there, this is my first post after 4 years of been here, I just never knew what to say and I still don’t but I’ll try my best.
Im Lesley, I’m 36 nearly 37 and I’ve been looking after my mum ever since I can remember.
there are a lot of things I haven’t achieved in my life. I’ve no formal qualifications, I’ve no social skills, I find it really hard to make friends and to open up.
Ive been on antidepressants for 4 years now.
1 Like
Hi Lesley, has anything changed in your circumstances or your caring role to prompt you to post after four years?
What help do you have to give your Mum, and do you get any help at all with that?
No nothings changed, I just finally got the courage to post here. I cook, clean, take her shopping, sort her bills out, take her to medical appointments. There’s no other support as my mum won’t allow professionals help.
1 Like
Hello Lesley
Welcome, and am glad you have decided to chat to us.
Things can change, and others will be along to advice how.
What is wrong with your mother? Helps to tell us.
We don’t bite of judge, so you can vent as much as you want. That helps for a start.
Hello there, thank you. She is registered blind.
1 Like
Hello Lesley
Lovely to see you on our forum, it can be quite daunting I know to share and talk about things.
We hold a weekly care for a cuppa session that you would be more than welcome to join us, its held every Monday at 3pm, I’ll attached a link for you. It’s a chance for members to come together and chat or just listen to each other and meet other carers. We would love to see you there, if you feel like joining us.
Have a look at the attached link, there’s no pressure to join Lesley, I just want to give you the info.
https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/get-support/online-meetups
take care
Ingrid
Hi Lesley, welcome to the forum.
I’m not surprised you are on anti depressants, this is no life for you! Did the doctor just give you pills, or make suggestions about how to help mum become less dependent on you?
To some extent, all family members help each other, but when a parent is disabled, they seem to expect that because their children are not disabled, they should do everything they can’t. Being “good” meant doing what a parent wanted, being “bad” meant refusing.
It took counselling to make me realise that at 60, although I’d travelled round the world, married, had a family, run a business etc. etc. I was still behaving like an obedient little girl as far as mum was concerned.
The counsellor made me realise that this was NOT what I had to do, the only power mum had over me was the power I let her have.
If your mum doesn’t want the support of paid carers, that’s her choice, but equally it’s your choice to go out and leave her alone. After all, if she didn’t have a daughter, or you lived away from home, she wouldn’t have any choice.
How often do you go out for a day? When did you (if ever) go away on holiday, for a weekend, week, fortnight?
When did mum last see a social worker for the blind? Does she go out on her own?
Have you ever asked Social Services to do a Carers Assessment for yourself, looking at what support you would like in your caring role?
It takes time to change long established patterns of behaviour, and expectations of others, but it can be done. I found it truly liberating.
Start a notebook or computer file and write down different headings. Anything you like, but a few ideas would be
What I hate most
What I love most
What I want to change most
Where I want to go on holiday
What I would love to be doing in 5 years time.
I’m not suggesting you do 16 million and one things all at once. It’s easier to work on one or two things at a time, so you can see tiny steps forward, that make a really positive difference to your life.
I’d also recommend a book called “Starting Again” by Sarah Litvinoff, designed primarily for people ending a relationship, but I found it really helpful when my husband died suddenly. We had run a business together so I not only lost my life companion, the love of my life since I was 16, but also my employer too. Amongst other things I inherited 30 tons of vintage lorry spares!!
It’s not too late to study for qualifications, I did a part time degree course when I was about 40. First though, you need to decide what sort of work you would like to do most, and feel happier in yourself.
the last day out without her is 3 years ago (6hrs ) when I went on date with my boyfriend and my sister looked after mum. The last weekend away is 16 years ago and I’ve never spent longer than a weekend away. When I was younger if I mentioned going to friends she used to threaten to call social services. my mum has worn me down over the years. It’s just easier to do what she wants because if she doesn’t she can throw a tantrum that lasts for several hours. It’s only in the past few weeks that its occurred to me that if though I’m her carer that what shes like is classed as emotional, mental and psychological abuse and that her behaviour can be classed as toxic and narcissistic.
1 Like
Agreed.
What you have to remember now is that you are not a child, but an adult now.
You have a right to be treated with civility, respect, and appreciation.
She needs you far more than you need her.
So she throws a hissy fit. Let her get on with it, film her on your phone.
You don’t have to listen to her if she is being rude. Film her for a minute or two, and say “I don’t have to listen to your rudeness, and walk away”. Stop whatever you were doing for her.
Keep a diary of what is happening.
Tell her to “carry on” if she wants to call Social Services.
Plan a time every day that is yours, to do what you want.
You cannot and must not continue to be her slave. Are you claiming Carers Allowance and Universal Credit?
Does mum own or rent her home?
What happened to your dad?
Yeah, Im claiming carers allowance and income support, we live in a council house. my dad died 13 years ago. I did a nine maths course a few years and I got a C equivalent in GSCE. I’m not "allowed"to do my own thing without my mum going off on one.
You can do whatever you like, you are a grown woman, not a child!
As you live in a council house, you need to ask the council about “succession”. Will they allow you to stay in the house, or rehouse you, if mum dies or goes into care? Write your letter by recorded delivery, and ask them to reply in writing.
If not, you need to start thinking about where you will live once this happens. Some carers have been made homeless.
You do not have to live with mum, you could find a bed sit so that you can escape.
I don’t actually know,I’ve never heard of a succession before, I don’t actually know if we could stay here when the worse happens,as we live in a 3 bedroomed house and we (my partner and I)could have to pay bedroom tax. If im homest i wouldnt want to stay here when it happens. It’s the homelessness part thats scaring me.
Yes, it is even more scary if you don’t know anything in advance of a sudden change of circumstances and then have notice to quit within four weeks. This is why I’m raising it with you now, while you have time to make plans. First find out what the council’s policy is, and get everything in writing.
Oh Lesley, I’m so sorry about your situation.
Did you know that as a Carer claiming Carer’s allowance you work 35 hours (or more) each week and you are entitled to 4 weeks off every 26 weeks?
No wonder you’re feeling depressed!
I am a Carer for my mum (she has advanced osteoarthritis in her hips.) I’ve been caring for her for 5 years and the Lockdown has made things worse. I live nearby Mum. The social groups and exercise classes I went to have all stopped and I got depressed too. The more I’m with her the more tasks Mum finds for me. Today I went for a coffee with some friends and that made me feel much better. Also I told Mum I was taking some time off and she moaned but had to accept it.
Everyone needs some ‘me’ time. Think of somewhere you would like to go each week and just tell your mum you’re going and will be back later. When you’ve been caring for someone for a long time they often take you for granted and are unaware of all the sacrifices you make.
What caused your mums blindness?
Hello, my mum has cataracts, detached retina and myopia. She’s been registered blind since she was 18. She had me at 32 and all I’ve ever done is be her carer even when I was a child. Yeah I actually do know about what I’m entitled too and I’d love one time away for day or two but my mum doesn’t like it if I leave her.
Lesley
Forgive my bluntness, but your mum should try to understand that you need time for yourself in order to function. It’s something you NEED, regardless of what your mom wants or doesn’t like. Your life is important too and so is your partner’s. She will get used to it if you try. It’s very hard for you, I really understand that but make a small plan and explain to her. If you tell her it doesn’t mean your love or care less for her, maybe she will feel more confident? Don’t enable her to completely rule you. Loving and caring should be a 2 way emotion.
When my lovely late husband had stroke and dementia I had to learn to disengage from time to time, for my own well being. I loved my husband very much.
Lesley,
who supported your Mum before you were born? It must have been horrid for her losing her sight at age 18 - but - she has had plenty of time to adapt.
My cousin has had sight problems all her life - born with cataracts, had glaucoma - has very little residual sight left. She is now in her late 50’s. She trained as a physiotherapists and worked in London - travelling around on the Tube etc
It’s up to you really, either you and your partner carry on as you are and you live your life dictated by your Mum’s needs - or you make changes. The amount of change you make is also up to you.
Melly1
She had my dad to help her bur before my dad I actually don’t know. But it’s been me since my last year in first school.
So are you going to carry on as you are or are you going to make changes? (This question isn’t about your Mum, this is your decision to make.)
Melly1
Not to stop been her carer, but by want to make some changes e.g. Going out for a weekend or having good few hours off one day a week.