Just joined, need to talk will go mad

Can’t find where what to join, brain not working. Don’t want to think, it hurts. I would check out, but have to much to do. Mom bed bound, dad house bound in another house. Step dad going into hospital, in pain can’t fix him. Mom messed herself, dad messed himself, forgetting everything getting to the point where he may have to go in a home. My daughter has zero sympathy for me. She’s come down to visit with the grandchildren and huffs and puffs cause I have to go sort my dad out and I’m not not in to help with the grandchildren. Watching them ill, helpless, dirty, confused wetting them selves, I want to vomit but I cant cause I have to do this. Watching makes me wish and hope it won’t be long before I can finish my duties and check out myself. Don’t want to be here cause I don’t want anyone changing my pads, wiping up my pee, pushing my moms rectum back in. Telling my dad that he’s messed his trousers again.

Now self medicating, just want to have a drink everyday. I want the world to go away. So tired of constant phone calls. Doctors, hospitals, care agency, rapid response, crisis team, incontenance nurse, OT, social perscribers, social services, pharmacy. I don’t want to do this, i desperatley want to run away, but I cant leave them.

Feel like I’m on calk 24/7. I don’t know when the call will come. Dads fall alarm, hospital for Mom, ambulance, step dad just keeled over, carers haven’t been. Forgotten my tablets, washing machine stuck on, can’t find my glasses, remote control not working, door jammed, they call me for everything. I don’t want to answer, then I feel bad. I’m irritable, inpatient, angry and the only way to unwind is to drink. Only way I legitimately can’t go and sort them out is if I am drunk.

Mom calls, she says I’m dying come now. Dad (in a different house) calls I can’t breath, help.
One time I told him to call the ambulance, but I worry and can’t rest. Then I feel bad for the Paramedics when they could be looking after people really dying. But one of these days it will one of them and I haven’t helped them. I wasnt with when took their ast breath.

You are in complete burn out. No one has to be a carer ( unless for a child under age) Time to explain to social services that you can no longer cope. There is absolutely no shame in that. Afraid you will have to be very strong and firm. It doesn’t mean you don’t care. If you have a break down you will not be in a position to help. Explain to them that you will not be available after a certain date. It has been done before. This of course will take time but give you hope. In the meantime but your phone on answer phone.
I’m sure others will be along to offer advice. The forum is quiet at the moment.

Theresa, you do NOT have to do this.
You are having a breakdown, doing too much for too long without a break.
It’s time for everyone to back off, go into respite care, then residential care.
Caring for just one person with this level of need is difficult, even with a lot of support. Three is IMPOSSIBLE.
You have to demand immediate respite from Social Services, or ring the ambulance service and tell them what is going on.

I was so stressed that I ended up with a serious life threatening condition requiring surgery. My husband DIED from a massive heart attack, which I shall always believe was caused by caring for too many people for too long. His parents, my parents, our son with learning difficulties, as well as running our business.

You must tell everyone now that you CANNOT keep doing this!
(Pet and I were writing at the same time)

Thank you for answering me Pet66, isn’t it strange I just wanted someone to hear me. Today was better just had to run around after my toddler grandson, so my daughter get a break.

Sometimes I feel like running away and leaving them all to it. I having siblings. One in Wales miles away my brother has 6 kids and lives 2 hours drive away. Other brother lives near but works full time. 2 sisters Johovas witness, they stayed away, one has a daughter diagnosed with Lukemia. Little sister with mental health problems. One of brothers says he will help but he doesn’t want to do personal care, what good is that.

Sometimes I think its my own fault, trying to be to efficient. I’m not even the favourite child ha ha. My mom has done so much for all of us, dad not so much but I just have this overwhelming sense of responsibilty.

But thank you so much for hearing me.

“Not even the favourite child” rings a bell with me, the one who was always there for mum. Then I discovered that while I got £20 for Christmas, they were given thousands! When i told my elder brother (well paid aircraft engineer, spent more than he earned) that they’d never given me anything, he said “well you can’t have asked right!”.

I am so glad your last post said you felt a little better. I can only imagine how hard things are for you. But you are wonderful.

You care in every way, you have done so much but you must try to care for yourself too.

I am new to this forum and i cannot point you in any direction for help but keep chatting. Talk and get support from here. Simply knowing someone else hears you has helped me.

Love to you. Hugs. Simon

Can I ask why you had to run around after your Grandson? I know you love him ( I have 5 grandchildren and 1 great grandchild and they are my treasures) . However I feel your daughter? should be giving you a break not the other way round. Like many of us, we have coped with having toddlers without help. If your circumstances were different then it would be commendable to give your daughter a break. But you are burnt out. ThIs may sound very harsh. What would they all do if you became ill. Cope because they would have to

Hello Theresa

So sorry to read you have been struggling lately. Just to let you know our helpline has contacted you by email with some useful resources. Do hope it helps, alongside all the support from your fellow carers.

Best wishes


My daughter lives 3 hours drive away and bought the children for Christmas. She works full time with very little help from her ex. It’s been hard on her. Lockdown, schools closed etc. She is such an amazing Mother, the kids are Meat free, diary free, organic etc. She’s so patient with the kids but not so with me. She’s is over protective which I understand but she wants the same from me. You know its little things like not forcing their bedtime which means they were up till 10 last night. They are polite, clever kids and the oldest gets great grades at school so she says she doesn’t force her to do chores, she’s 7. They are her kids and I believe she should have the last say on their care so I guess I follow her lead.

You are being too kind to everyone. Everyone wants a slice of you and you keep giving it to them.

They are your daughter’s kids, and she ought to be doing Christmas for them at their place.
Ideally of course it would be great for you if you could go down to hers and have a break yourself!

You know what’s often frustrating is having to deal with the mountains of departments. And one never seems to know what the other is doing. I believe in the past a Social Worker would coordinate the various people but the Incontenance nurse, occupational therapy, rapid response, bloods, Equipment, Diabetes team all work seperatley. My phone address book is full so I can remember a name department and date so I can follow things up. They talk to one another only to pass the buck or move the responsibility to someone else. And it doesn’t seem like the computer data information matches up across departments either. No one ever knows if anything is ongoing or completed. How on earth is an old person supposed to manage their own care?
I know I sound like I’m moaning but there must be an easier way to do it. Believe me I am very aware of the crisis social care is under but if we were able to work smarter not harder.

Perhaps if one central computer file for a person, then if I called the incontenance team in they could tell me how long the wait might be for say the bloods to be done, or at least tell me its been actioned, allocated, passed to someone else?

Example doctor order bloods but because my Mom is house bound they passed it to, I think, CIT department. After several months I had to ask the doctor, who gave me the number for CIT, they didn’t seem to have any record. I called the doctors again and said it went to the District Nurse. When I called the district nurse they said they had a request for Mom to get her B12 but they couldn’t do bloods. And old or ill person shouldn’t have to chase things across teams and departments.

My son was brain damaged at birth, he’s now 42.
I agree whole heartedly with what you have said.
There used to be a policy of services being “coordinated at the point of delivery”.
So you could ring up one named person and they would sort it all out and liase with everyone.
Not any more!
What really drives me nuts is the ever changing staff, no proper records, so no one has a clue. For 15 years I’ve been saying the same things, time and time again. Over 20 different SSD staff in the last 5 years alone!!