I’m really struggling today

All about caring
1

I’m sorry I just need to offload and have no one/ nowhere to go. Am currently sitting on the wall outside my fathers house - utterly exhausted and fed up. I don’t know how life has become like this and how others cope.

It just feels like a never ending pile of pressure put on me by various people who are actually paid to care but who just want to drop it all on me. I just need to offload as I feel I can’t cope(sorry).

Carer didn’t turn up this morning, called the agency , ‘these things happen’- they haven’t got anyone to go out until this evening. Can I do it? No I’ve got work. Well then he’ll just have to stay in bed until tonight- what about his medication??? No answer. Call social services - still haven’t phoned me back… I end up going and getting him dressed, prompt medication etc. The go (late ) to work come after work and still no carer. He’s spoiled himself - I loose it. Shout at Dad and the carer when they eventually turn up. I know it’s not Dad - I need to apologise. I just feel that my whole life is crumbling. I haven’t had a day off since 15 December - all my annual leave has been spent caring and I’m utterly exhausted. Friends and family just don’t get it and don’t do anything. I feel so alone.

I’ve got a meeting with the social worker on Tuesday. We still haven’t got a care plan despite Dad being discharged on 10 June. Current proposals don’t work but I’m sure they are going to try and cut what he does have. They still say he doesn’t quality for continuing healthcare despite the hospital wanting to see me on Monday because end of life is near. I’m too exhausted to keep fighting- between working and caring I don’t have a minute. I can cope with most things but there is just something about incontinence that triggers me - it’s like a red line. I don’t mind changing pads but when it goes elsewhere (floor etc) I just can’t cope. It’s not Dad’s fault. When carers don’t turn up he tries his best but he needs help. Gosh life has been pretty grim this year and I know it will only get worse.

I know others have it much worse. I would love to know how you all stay so cheerful and keep going. I feel utterly drained. At the moment Dad is the only positive in my life and I’ve just shouted at him. How horrific am I becoming-no wonder no one wants to help! I’m sorry.

2

Hi Faye,
I was so lucky. My Mum’s care company was small but so good. I remember (rare) occasions when my Mum had had a distressing bowel accident I called them and someone was sent round to help me clear up plus laugh and joke with Mum so she didn’t feel so awful about it. Not always though and I remember gagging and cringing while cleaning everything up.
Does dad wear any kind of pad to help contain such episodes? If he has refused to do so maybe when you are holding his hand, saying sorry for shouting but explaining that you find it so hard to deal with, it might be the time to persuade him to do so?
I have read your posts but cannot remember all the details so is it time for dad to be in a Home, rather than his flat? The amount of stress you are going through must end. Always remember that you are important too.
I used to have dogs. Haven’t had for many years. While I completely agree with the laws regarding ‘pooper scooping’, think it is a great idea, I don’t think I could face it, so don’t house a dog. Human faeces are a hundred times worse for both the carer and the embarrassed caree feeling shamed, even though it’s not ‘on purpose’. You do it because you must. You make light of it because you must.
It’s absolutely horrid.
YOU have been wonderful. Never put yourself ‘down’.
Sending a cyber hug. (()).
KR

3

Faye, you’ve been going above and beyond in caring for your father. Don’t be hard on yourself. When you speak to the hospital, please consider asking them for hospice care for your father, either in a hospice or at home.

4

Faye, I have had very many “dark” moments, especially when mum was ill.

For the sake of your own mental health, you may have to give up the struggle for dad to spend the last months of his life in his own home. This is incredibly sad, certainly not what should be happening, but what more can you do? Circumstances are consipiring against you. You are no good to dad if you end up in hospital yourself.

I know it’s going to be a difficult conversation, but you need to talk to dad about spending his last months in a nursing home.