Yesterday we ended up having a big talk about everything. A lot was said, some of it really painful. Im fairly certain I broke his heart.
He actually initiated the whole thing based on the fact he caught my cold and was depressed about catching another virus. The whole conversation was ao traumatic I can’t really remember the detail of what we spoke about, just the gist and feelings.
He was horrified i paused when he asked if id leave. The thing is, im at literal breaking point. Im one more petty comment or bad thing happening away from taking my passport and a bag and just leaving and not telling anyone where ive gone. I told him this. I told him my job and work and the people there are the one happy thing in my life and he hated that i didnt include him in that happiness. He told me he could never blame me for my decision either way then got so upset when i paused because he couldn’t believe id actually consider it. To walk out on him after 13 years and leave him to rot, completely unable to do anything for himself and just leave him to die.
We also talked about moving back home and i said i just couldnt. He tried to argue every way in saying it would be better at home and me not wanting to do it wasnt caring for him. We spoke about how if hed not got covid again 8 weeks ago, or this cold, he might not be as ill as he is now abd wed have more quality time, be able to do more, but this isnt the case the infections made his disability worse. We spoke about if i am to keep my job and keep him here, then i have to compromise. I was so tired by this point that i just agreed to what he said. But what he wants from me feels really restrictive.
I get he is worried about infections because they directly make him worse, but now i have to get a fully fitted mask, wear it 100% of the time im in contact with someone or in public. I already have an air purifier at my desk at work, limit contact. Its now too risky for me to go out with friends, to their house for a catch up, out for a meal, to a pub, bar, to the cinema, concert. I can do outdoor activities as long as i socially distance, like sitting in someones garden, or going on a walk (but we live in north scotland so its slightly impractical right now) and if i want to go on holiday i must isolate for 1 week after returning (who is looking after him?). I get his point, and i want to do everything to protect him, but my life has now just gotten a hell of a lot smaller. I know his life is only 4 walls of our bedroom and really i shouldnt complain but im not sure i can actually do this. My only options are to see people through my masked hell at work, and to go on a walk with someone or when im in the supermarket.
He also agreed he 100% wants to support me and be a better husband, be less depressing and take care of me, but then immediately said he didnt have the capacity to be there right there right now as he was too ill, when i was speaking about how severely depressed i think i must be and how i need to go to the doctors for antidepressants. I had a genuine breakdown, panic attack, and just ceased to cope. He held me but also said it was so hard from everything else id said to him and how id chosen to keep him here and put work first that he was too distraught. He did support that i go to the doctors and was ok about the therapy. I didnt mention he needed the same, because its obvious he wont do that.
The one thing i managed to get him to compromise on from his end was to stop with the suicidal talk with me every single day of my life. Stop with the constant complaints of his illness. Because its the number one thing that wears me down. I live in constant worry of how ill he is and if he is going to kill himself and its not fair. We agreed if he truly is struggling in that moment that he needs to tell me because i am there for him.
He thinks i love him less now for sure, and that he is completely worthless as he cant even look after me. That there is no point as he isnt a husband. He just sobbed all evening and told me he couldnt believe ive done this to him, that ive considered deserting him when he needs me the most. We have made up today, cuddled and just been together as he is so ill but i feel like in the new year when i have to go back to work and all the protocol gets put in place its just going to come crashing down again. I just feel so lost and scared and helpless and no matter what i do ill break his heart, live a life of misery and possibly guilt if he does kill himself.