Hi. I’m new to the forum. I’ve read a few posts and you seem like a friendly, supportive lot.
I’m caring for my ex. It’s so very hard for me mentally at the moment. I also have fibromyalgia. I’m 49, he’s almost 60. He has numerous health conditions. He’s controlling and quite abusive at times. Other times appreciative and affable. Mostly he is just so horribly negative and is ranting all the time. I love my job but can’t work as much as I’d like, he makes me feel guilty for working. I worry about money a lot. He says he’ll help more financially but I don’t want to rely on him and see that as another means of control. I feel isolated from my family and friends. I should have gotten away years ago but now it’s too late and I’m just having to live day by day in a constant state of anxiety as I don’t know what his mental or physical health will bring. I think many of his issues are a result of his lifestyle but he has a lot of demons. I think he may need more investigations but I find it hard to get gps to listen. He wants the medical profession to fix his problems with meds but the meds only help so much. He refuses to face the fact that he needs to help himself or he’ll ask me to help him with diet, going for a walk etc then shout at me when I try. He’s so heavily reliant on me, he has no family or friends to help and is now reclusive. He makes me question myself - am I being selfish wanting to live, go out now and again, read, go on my phone when I want, speak to friends and family on WhatsApp, nip to the shops?? He thinks all attention should be on him at all times that I’m being ignorant or unreasonable for not wanting to sit with him as he’s bored, lonely, depressed, has no one else to talk to etc. I barely speak to him because when I do he doesn’t like what I have to say so I spend my time trying to offer platitudes. I feel like he’s draining me of all my energy and spirit. I don’t feel comfortable in my own home.
He gives me glimpses of hope but they soon evaporate. I want to be more compassionate and caring, that is my nature, but I find it so hard to do with him and I’m frustrated with myself.
A new thing is he’s talking about suicide. He said the other day that I’ll come home from work one day to find him hanging. I’m unsure if it’s something real or it’s manipulation…
Sorry for the long post. I just needEd to get stuff off my chest.
@anon64123993 Heavens personality wise you could be describing my husband. I guess you are ‘walking on eggshells’ all the times too? Have you considered counselling? It sounds as if things will get worse given his age and lack of self care? Do you really want to carry on like this? Is leaving a viable option especially since he is your ex?
I do NOT think you are selfish wanting some kind of life of your own. You do NOT have to continue to care for a selfish mentally abusive man. The suicide thing to me sounds like manipulation BUT if you are seriously worried you could write to his GP Surgery and tell them what he has said? I guess he would not accept professional help such as counselling.
You touched a cord re your ex being isolated and no one wanting to socialise with him. My friends say that they only see my husband as it is the price they pay for being able to see me. At the Book Club no one wanted to sit next to my husband - he is 85 and deaf but omg he is a difficult man. I am afraid I call him ‘the senile toddler’ because that is what his behaviour mimics.
Sending cyber hugs. Do stay in contact and please consider Roll Call. It is where we post how our days are going and there is a lot of support given. There IS a way out for you - it wont be easy or even straightforward but by posting you have taken the first baby steps. Please try and work out what YOU want. Counselling would give you a safe place to work through various options . You could try your GP Surgery or if funds allow Relate how some very good counsellors.
It’s difficult to do, but you need to seriously consider getting out of this situation. He’s your ex. You owe him nothing, and he’s using his health as a way of controlling you even after he became your ex.
You’re obviously a kind person, but you’re not being kind to yourself, and he’s taking advantage of that.
At work, he can’t control you. That’s why he wants you at home and is offering to pay you - not that I expect he will. Control. That’s all he’s interested in, and once you are fully under his financial control there is no escape.
Seriously, seek help (domestic violence helplines are a good start) and make a plan - and get out of this. You’ve every right.
Hi @selinakylie thank you for your reply. I actually read some of your posts before posting myself. You’re going through it too aren’t you - sending love and hugs to you.
I have tried counselling a few times and CBT, it didn’t help much to be honest. I do have some life coaching coming up so hoping that maybe that will be a better fit for me.
Leaving isn’t an option right now, but maybe in the future.
I’ll have a look for Roll Call, thank you. And thank you so much for replying and sending me some validation
@anon64123993…welcome to the forum, sending you a big hug . It sounds like you’re going through so much. Don’t give up work, it’s so important to keep your independence. It’s not too late to change how you want to live your life, you’re still young. I agree with @Charlesh47, you need to seek help and plan ahead if you can. You shouldn’t have to put up with living like you are.
Hi @anon64123993 and welcome! I too am 49 and caring for my mum rather than an ex. Mum’s behaviour is scarily similar. Do not give up work, I toyed with the idea but you need to think logically and not emotionally. Sending you a big
Hi @anon64123993, a big welcome from me also. I can only echo @selinakylie here, in that you could also be describing my husband too!
Totally get the work being an escape but also essential financially.
You are right in that he has to want to help himself. No amount of support, cajoling or pleading from anybody else will work unless he makes that choice for himself.
You are not being selfish for wanting to live your own life, not at all. It’s his negativity destroying your self-esteem which is making you feel this way.
Re the suicide question: yes it may be another way of manipulating you into staying with him and doing what he wants, but if you are seriously concerned, do let his GP know. They have a Duty of Care towards the welfare of their patients and at least if you make them aware of what he has said, should (heaven forbid), anything awful happen, you will have made someone else aware of the situation. There is also the fact that should his GP make contact with him about it, and he denies it, you can rightly just say that you were worried and felt professional support was needed, effectively calling him out on it. That will help to let him know that you will not accept this kind of emotional manipulation from him.
You’ve said you were never married but are still living together because it isn’t financially viable to split up, this might be a strange question, but does your ex accept that he is ‘your ex’, or does he still see you as a couple in his head? You don’t have to answer this here of course, but may be something to ponder on.
Have a rant, offload here anytime… you will be in good company!
Hi @EEG oh so you have one of those men too, sending hugs your way.
Many thanks for your advice and support. It does mean a lot. I’ve realised I’ve been playing the victim for far too long and I need to work on my boundary setting and assertiveness.
I think I do his head in lol but he’s reliant on me at the moment. He speaks about getting a flat once he has saved up so I’ll see what the future holds.
Just try and work on your friendships and social life and try to get some kind of ‘safety net’. With older partners it does tend to get worse especially if they will not help themselves. If he is your ex then really you do not have to care for him and have no obligation to let him control you? Would YOU be happier in a flat? You could always write to his GP and tell them that he is a vulnerable adult if you did feel able to move out? I agree finding somewhere to rent may take a while. Please take care of yourself and please stay in contact. You are not alone living with a mega difficult medically non compliant man!
Do you each have your own part of the house?
You say he has a lot of medical issues. Maybe he is the one who could move out as he is presumably on disability benefits?
@anon64123993, to add to what everyone else has already said your situation sounds horrific. I would also recommend counselling, it may help you to deal with his controlling/narcistic behavior. Not the same sort of situation, but I get suicide threats from my Mum when I don’t do what she wants and when, but thankfully I don’t live with her. I saw a therapist and it really did help, you do not have to answer to anyone if you don’t want to and you have the right to live your life in your own way. Don’t forget that and stay strong.
I understand that it’s not easy or financially possible to walk away, but having a plan to get out of this situation as soon as you can is a really good idea.
Google Domestic Abuse Hotline and give them a call. They have experienced staff who can speak to you and will keep in touch. They will try and help you think of an exit plan.
You said you are in a Council house, who is the tenant, sole or joint? Speak to your Housing Team and explain what is going on. If it is your property, he will be asked to move out. If it’s joint, it will be complicated.
You will need to be firm though, you will either carry on being his door mat and take the abuse or you will make plans to move out or he moves out. The DA hotline will be able to help you work out a long term plan. Sorry if I sound harsh but I’m just being honest.
@ontheverge advice is good. However could you survive financially and pay the rent on your present home? You mention that you have health issues? I agree that talking to an Domestic Abuse Helpline is very good step forward. Also if the tenancy is joint is it worth phoning and speaking to someone to see what the options are? Would you be happier in a smaller place - a flat for example which may be less expensive to run if you live alone? I realise finding rented properly is not an easy option for anyone. Can only wish you all the very best and hope you can negotiate a way through this. No one deserves to be unhappy or walking on eggshells in their own home. I sadly do it because cannot leave my cats or risk losing my home but I wish I had taken a different decision back in 2013 when I had husband back home after his heamatoma.
. It sounds like you’re going through so much. Don’t give up work, it’s so important to keep your independence. It’s not too late to change how you want to live your life, you’re still young. I agree with 