Before you start, I’ve just finished writing this and needed to pop back to the start to say sorry for how long it’ll be, I find writing helps block the thoughts.
I feel like I have the devil on my shoulder, it’s like I can’t move or do anything without him telling me I’m worthless. I’ve only ever sought help once before from my GP and it didn’t really go to well. I guess it’s because I thought no matter what I told him, I felt like he was judging me, I always feel like everyone is judging me, event total strangers I pass in the street.
I had my first suicidal thought when I was 11/12, I was in my 2nd year of high school & I just couldn’t take it anymore. My school at the time was those big green industrial fences around it with the 3 green spikes on the top. I was out of school, playing football with some friends up against the gate of the school when someone kicked the ball over the fence and me being the young smart-ass I thought I was decided to climb over and get it. I’d never really planned it but when I got to the top of the fence and I was looking down at the spikes, it’s like something in me just snapped. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve suffered with depression for most of my life, when I was 7 my Mum attempted suicide herself, a number a times, she even locked my sister and myself in her bedroom with her while she attempted to set the bed on fire. Luckily my sister was smart enough to scream out the window and a neighbour came running to help. Then again when I was 8 & home alone with her she took a full bottle of pain killers infront of me & I was forced to phone an ambulance. I remember her laying in the hospital bed after having her stomache pumped, I still remember the first thing she said to be as she lay in the hospital, she didn’t thank me or hug me, give gave me the most evil look and told me how much she hated me. The face she made still haunts me to this day. But anyway, I was crouched on top of the school fence and I couldn’t help but think how easy it would be to fall, I thought how it would be a quick way out, I tried to plan it so the spike would go under my chin, quick and painless I thought, luckily…or sadily, I stil don’t know how I feel about it, I missed and one of the spikes went through my wrist. I acted like I fell, like I slipped, to this day not another living soul knows that that was the first time I tried to end my life.
I’m now 29 and one year closer to the grave. As harsh as it sounds, I can’t help but blame my Mum for the way I feel, it should never be a persons fault, never, it’s not fair for me to blame someone. She’s just never been there for me, I mean, she was there, just not emotionally like you’d expect a mother to be. She was an alcoholic, still is I guess but she’s managed to control it a lot better now, all my childhood she was either in the pub or passed out of the sofa having just been in the pub. I have no good memories of her from my childhood, when I try to think back my mind has a mist about it, like I want to remember but somethings stopping me, like there’s wall’s in my head I can’t break through. She never worked and never did manage to end her life & although it might sound harsh, she could die tomorrow and I probably wouldn’t shed a tear, which I know sounds aweful but it’s not just her, I feel like if anyone I know died I wouldn’t cry, I just feel emotionally closed off, which is annoying because I’ve never been able to share my emotions with someone. I’m 29 and I’ve never been in a relationship. Which is sad, I know, I always watch TV shows and see people talking about how there’s one perfect person for everyone out there and I can’t help but think what crap it is, I find myself getting emotionally attached to objects just to feel some kind of meaning. Which again, is stupid, but I find alot of the things in my life is stupid so I guess that fits in perfectly. The single most annoying thing though is I know I could make someone happy given the chance, I always put other peoples thoughts or feelings above my own and it annoys me to my very core that I seem guys being abusing to women and the women just take them back, time after time, I know it’s not there fault, they love him and can’t help it but still, why should these douche bags get a second change and I don’t get a first chance?
It’s not that I don’t know how to meet someone, go to a bar, club, anywhere really and I’m sure I’d find someone, but there in lies the issue, I don’t smoke or drink, I find them both repulsive, mainly due to my mother again but I don’t want to open that can of worms again. My biggest fear is rejection, which is stupid because I’ve been rejected my whole life, you’d think I’d be used to it by now but the fear is still there.
Not a day goes by where I don’t think about just ending it all, it would be the solution to all my problems right? how could it not be. The issue is though, since my first attempt on the fence, I seem to have developed a fear of pain, which I’m sure we all have but it’s gotten to a point where I fear to leave the house.
Which brings me onto my next issue, anxiety. I’ve had it for as long as I can remember, probably before I was suicidal, it started off as just little ticks, little thoughts I had and nothing more. Going into my adult years thought things started to escalate, the older I got the more pathetic I started to feel simply because I was alone, from the age of 18 I said to myself on a daily basis, before Christmas I was to have a girlfriend. At the age of 25 though I soon realised how stupid that was and stopped. Now another 4 years down the line and I’m still single. I had my first major anxiety attack a few years back, my dad has always been into mobile phones, selling and swapping then. A few years back ( 3-4 years ), I went with him to swap his phone, long story short, the guy just grabbed my dads phone and ran, I chased after the guy but, well, let’s just say I’m not in the fittest condition. Seeing the guy run, getting further and further from me was a massive wake up call for me on two fronts, the first being how out of shape I was and the 2nd being my real realization of how cruel the world can be. I started working out, nothing major, couple of trips to the gym each week, still ate my crap food though that didn’t help I guess. Then, a year later, it happened again, I told him to stop swapping his phone, just be happy with what you have I’d tell him, he never listened, so again I found myself chasing some guy that stole his phone and even with going to the gym and working out, I still found him pulling away, he was already down the 2nd street by the time I’d gotten to the end of the first. That was the moment for me, the biggest moment I’ve had in years that threw me over the edge. For months after that I didn’t leave the house, I was afraid to, I didn’t know what waited for me outside the door. Eventually I managed to move on a little and I’m not able to go of the house again, but everytime I do the car doors have to be locked, no acceptions, my dad always asked me why I’m locking them and I just make up some story as to why, to afraid to tell him the truth, to self conscious to ask for help.
I’ve read a few storys, both on here and around the net & the answer always seems to be the same, talk to someone, ask for help, but help or talking isn’t always the answer. I’ve tried talking to my dad about it before, years ago but he’s always just shrug it off. I always went to my GP a few years back and although I felt like he was judging me, he did try to help. He gave me a number for a psychiatrist which I actually did call in the hopes of talking to someone one-on-one, somone who knew what I was going through but when I phoned they could only see me in a group session, I said that wouldn’t be possible for me due to my anxiety and the simply said he could only do a group session and when I said I couldn’t do that he pretty much just said he couldn’t help me, that was the first and last time I asked for profressional help.
I used to have a lot of friends growing up but over the years we lost touch, I found myself left with 1 friend, Scott, he was awesome, he was always the ‘leader’ if you will of our little group and growing up I really admired him, he was the guy I wanted to be, full of confidence and a real ladied man. When we was in high school he was a big of a trouble maker, where as I was ( and still am ) a little bit of a nerd and I wouldn’t say he ‘pulled me down’, but, I did find myself getting in trouble a lot and I even started drinking which I hated but I wanted to fit in. Then, out of nowhere the most shocking thing happened, something I never thought possible. He grew up, he got a job, a wife and even had 2 wonderful kids, one of which I am proudly the god father of. He started working at the age of 21 and he’s been in the same job since, he’s currently in the process of becoming a manager, or, he is a manager, at this point I really don’t know. You see, about 4 years ago he got promoted to Duty manager and things was going great for him, me on the other hand, I was in and out of jobs on a weekly basis, I could never find something that stuck. I was at the bottom and he knew it, he knew I needed help and out of nowwhere he did something I never thought he’d do, he offered me a job. You see, I’ve always been the loyal but untrustworthy type, not untrustworthy as in I’d tell everyone your secrets, I take secrets to the grave, no, more untrustworthy in the sense that you couldn’t trust me to get the job done, I’ve always been seen as ‘lazy’ when in fact it was just my crippling depression, but of course, he didn’t know that. I spent almost 3 years working at that job and I truely loved it, I’m not sure if it was the job I loved or simply working with my friend but it was awesome, however, one year into the job he got promoted to assistant manager, which was awesome, but sad because it meant he had to move stores. Which left me alone in the job I loved, but, being in work I made new friends so I managed to stay happy in the job. Then, during my 3rd year of work we got a new manager, Phil, he was the worst kind of person, didn’t give a crap about anyone but himself & it wasn’t long before I felt like he was seeing me as being lazy to, I was on a zero hour contract and I found myself going from working 38+ hours a week to just 4 which forced me out of my place and back in with my dad, where I still am now because I can’t afford to move out. Eventually I decided that it would be best for me to leave that job, I’d always been a freelance game developer in my spare time and I decided it was time to put more of my time into that, so I quit my job. Something I soon found to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Soon after quitting I notice the calls stopped, so did the texts and any form of contant. Scott simply stopped talking to me, I messaged him over and over but got no response. then it hit me, was he mad at me? I mean, he got me that job just for me to turn around and quit. I mean, what did he expect me to do, keep working 4 hours a week in a dead end job? it’s now been almost 2 years and I’ve not heard a word from School, I still see his Mum & wife from time to time, heck, I even see him sometimes, but he just blanks me, it’s gotten to the point where I was go to the places I know he goes.
I just don’t know what to do anymore, I want it all to end but at the same time I know I’d never be able to actually do it. I want to but to afraid to ask. I’m cotent with my life, I really am, I know I’ll never find someone or have any friends which is fine, I have my cats to keep me company…and my dad I guess. The only thing I want in life is for the voices to stop, I don’t want the devil on my shoulder telling me I’m worthless.