i have health problems myself and i have to care for my 85 year old mother. I’m supposed to have a carer for myself. She wont have a carer herself or let me have one for myself. I don’t want to look after her any more. Shes become such a burden to me. She swears at me and calls me fat and ugly all the time as well. Emotionally blackmails me every day. She is such a bad b*tch. It makes me so depressed. I feel so guilty at feeling this way. I should love my mother i keep telling myself. I’ve done all i can think of to change the way i feel about her. It just comes back to not wanting to look after her any more with the way she treats me and how it makes me feel. When shes gone i know i will wish i hadn’t felt this way about her or shouted at her and lost my temper with her like i do do. I will miss her very much and probably cant live with her. Shes all i’ve had since my dad died when i was 5 years old. This in itself as made me fear my mum dieing every day since my dad died.
Jenifer,
No one can force you to be a carer, the only power mum has over you is the power you let her have.
We can help you, but first, a bit more information would be useful.
There is a real reason for each question, depending on your answer, we can make more appropriate suggestions.
How old are you?
What is wrong with mum?
What is wrong with you?
Does mum own or rent her home?
Do you live with mum?
Are you an only child?
Does she have over £23,000 in savings? (Yes/No)
Does mum claim Attendance Allowance?
Are you getting Carers Allowance? Any other benefits?
You said mum can have carers but she doesn’t want them, so presumably she has already had an assessment from Social Services or been in hospital? How long ago?
Hi Jenifer,
I have just joined this forum and this is my first post. I joined because I often don’t want to look after my mother, so your post leapt out at me, but my reasons are not as strong as yours. My mother is self-centred much of the time, I think that’s part of her dementia, and she might be demanding, but she’s usually grateful and polite to me, and I have practical support from my family too. My issue is just dealing with feeling emotionally drained, and trying to balance her needs with those of my young daughter.
I can’t give you the practical help that Bowlingbun is offering with those questions, but I think I recognise some of the feelings you have. I came on here to find people to talk to who might understand my situation, so I guess you did too. I used a different forum once before in my life when I was going through a really difficult experience, and it was amazingly helpful. Your situation sounds so hard. I’m so sorry. I wish I could be more helpful. Do you have any support, practical or emotional? Do you get a break sometimes? Someone with more experience than me might contradict me here, but it seems to me that this is a situation where you have to look after yourself, or you will at some point no longer be able to care for your mother. Like putting your own oxygen mask on first, on a plane. The idea being that you can’t help anyone else properly, if you’re not looking after yourself.
I have to go and get my daughter to school. But I hope you have a good day today.
Jess
You have made the first step in coming on here and you must not feel ashamed at wanting a break from it all. You will feel guilty but you also need to look after yourself. Are you registered as your mother’s carer at your GP surgery ? Keep talking on here and people will help you. You are not alone in this.
Hello Jenifer
Welcome to the forum.
This sounds a really difficult situation for you, have you thought about coming along to our weekly care for a cuppa session? We run them every Monday afternoon. Its a time when carers can come together on zoom and and chat informally. People say they’ve found it really helpful and supportive and it’s nice to be able to take a little bit of time for yourself. There’s no pressure to share any more than you’re comfortable with. Join up details are here:
https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic … ne-meetups
Please come along, we would love to see you there.
with best wishes
Ingrid
Just sending love as I feel for you my mum & I have been a team, us against the world, now I don’t know what to do either, this is a cruel thing & you’re trying your best 
Hello Jenifer. I have focused on these sentences because they say so much about your situation. Your mind is in turmoil because you think you should love your mother but find you cannot when she imposes these unreasonable restrictions on you. Hence you feel guilty. And your guilt clouds your ability to make rational decisions.
Instead, your guilt makes you feel you must do as Mum says.
You don’t need to.
You are not a child any more.
Children need strong controls from their parents, because they are too young to make responsible decisions for themselves.
Adults do not need these controls. They can make responsible decisions.
Adults can, and ideally should, love and respect their parents, but this does not mean blind obedience to their orders.
The problem is that there is no line one can draw between childhood and adulthood. It is a gradual transition. In some child-adult relationships, the transition does not fully happen.
A further problem is that in adults in advancing age, like your mother, the power to make rational judgements diminishes. In a sense they revert to childhood, expecting to be looked after, instead of looking after themselves. Look around this forum you have joined, and you will see the expression “elderly toddler” cropping up here and there.
You mum expects care herself, but from you only, and does not respect your entitlement to receiving care yourself. Because of her diminished judgement she does not realise how irrational and selfish this is.
You need to take the bull by the horns. The first step is to take up the care that you are entitled to.
How can your Mum stop you from doing this? What would happen if you were to go ahead?
She could throw a wobbly but it sound as though this happens quite regularly anyway. Walk out on her until she cools down.
I am not pretending that the first step is going to be an easy ride but it is an important step towards better times.
Keep in touch with your GP and make sure he is aware of the present difficult relationship with Mum. Do please go through Bowlingbun’s very useful check list.
JessC - thanks for coming in and sharing your concerns about your situation with similarities. I recommend that you too run through Bowlingbun’s check list and see how it can help you with decisions. The figure of £23 000 is the threshold above which people in care must self-fund.