I care for my mum

Hi all,
I’m new here so thought I’d say hello.
My name is Lucy and I have been a carer for my mum for 10 years now. She does not have an official diagnosis from the doctors as they put all her issues down to excessive weight.
I want to make friends and find that support network I so desperately need as it is just us two on our own.
Feel free to say hi and hopefully I’ll get to know people soon

Hi Lucy,
Welcome to the forum.
How old is Mum and what are the issues the doctors seem to be dismissing as ‘due to weight’.
Has she had a Needs assessment and you a Carer’s Assessment?
Do you work or get out at all? Is Mum mobile or bed bound?
Do you need suggestions or are you looking for ‘conversation’? If the latter then you might find the social areas of the site helpful. If you are struggling and need help, tell us the problem so we can try to help you.

Hi Lucy,

welcome to the forum.

Interesting username.

I won’t say anymore until you answer Elaine’s questions.

There was a carer on here who cared for a brother who was bariatric and knows all the challenges this brings.


Thanks for replying.
She has a lot of muscle issues and can’t walk by herself. Her joints hurt constantly, she is out of breath easily (I know this is mostly weight) and she basically can’t do anything herself.
When we have appointments I struggle to get her out and even when out I can’t push the wheelchair well as I’m fairly overweight myself. The hospital have offered an attendant controlled power chair but apparently you can’t transport them so they can only be used locally which is pointless!!
I’m at my wit’s end as I’m only 33 and feel like my life is going absolutely nowhere!

Re my username it’s a mixture of sports teams I support

I would take up the offer of the chair. Try and give it a go. There are disabled taxi which the chair could be transported. They do cost more than the normal taxi. However, is there at a least a shopping centre near you to give it a go.

If it doesn’t work at least you and mum gave it a go.

There will be carers support group in your area. This will certainly help you!

Hi Lucy,
Yes, it was me Melly referred to. I cared for my brother for three years from 2013 to 2016 when he died - he was 82. But in that time he was more or less bedridden so I didn’t have quite your problems. He was too heavy for me to move. He used a wheelchair but he couldn’t move it himself and nor could I. He didn’t even go into the garden. He had attendance allowance - I don’t know the details of what age you get that at, but it isn’t means-tested - and in fact there is a Motability scheme which enables you to use that money to hire a power chair of some sort. But we never did this because he was getting too confused in his last years and he would not in fact have used it for much. He bought himself a big mobility scooter once but he could not sit upright in it.

My other brother, who was not overweight and who died in 2013, used to borrow a power mobility chair in shopping centres, for instance at Lakeside or Bluewater or in Romford. There are schemes there where you join for a few pounds for a year and can borrow a scooter. We couldn’t book at Lakeside after a while because they started opening the system to anyone and we would have had to book three weeks in advance (my brother was an amputee).

I have no idea if this would help your mother, but these organizations would probably be able to advise you.

I found that hospitals are not good places for invalids. To use a hospital you have to be really fit. And I had to find out things for myself. We had a ceiling hoist installed - you don’t say how old your mother is, but perhaps her mobility will get even worse and she will need some kind of hoist - but we would get hospital appointments at walk-in hospitals with no hoists and when my brother slid out of his wheelchair they could not pick him up. When he was lying on the floor the carers could not pick him up or they would have injured themselves. It doesn’t sound as if your mother is that bad.

On top of everything else, many doctors dismiss bariatric patients and regard overweight as self-imposed, just like the rest of the population, but it really isn’t as simple as that, or at least once you are grossly overweight and can’t move because of arthritis too, your chances of losing it are slim. Whether your mother’s issues are really mainly weight issues I would not trust one GP to know! Our GP was really good on this and he pointed it out to me. E.g. my brother needed a circumcision (OK that doesn’t help you) but they put it off for over two years, I think they were hoping he died first. Same with cataract surgery - we had to get it privately because it was being dragged out - he was sent under the NHS to a private hospital which refused to put the equipment to test his eyes in a room his wheelchair would fit in - and it made such a big difference when he could see again, since he was in bed all day and his main enjoyment was reading the papers and watching TV.

I hope some of this at least is helpful. It’s a really tough job, in fact it was not so bad for me because I couldn’t even try to push my brother around.