I’ve been caring for my gran for years she’s nearly 97.
She has dementia.
She can’t walk now without holding her hand.
Her dementia is worse,it’s telling her not to eat.
She won’t eat
I can’t take another day.
Her son and daughter won’t do anyrhing.
Do I ring social services and say I’m finished.
I’m going to end up hurting myself
My mental health is gone now.
Sarah, I am so very sorry that it has got to this point. Please do speak to social services and say you need some urgent help/that you can’t do it any more and have reached breaking point. It might also be worth speaking to your GP?- even if just to have someone to speak to in confidence? They might also be able to speak to social services in your behalf?
Do you have any friends or family that you can speak to about how you are feeling/to get support from yourself? Could you go out to meet with them or is that just not possible? If not the Samaritans are quite nice when you call and i find it’s helpful to have an ‘indpendent’ ear to turn to when it all gets too much. I speak to a counsellor but it’s very expensive and am thinking I may have to give it up. I have alsofound this forum to be a very good source of support when things have become too much and I feel alone. I find it helps to offload/rant to others who have had similar experiences. I do hope you get the help you need and that things improve. Thinking of you at this very hard time.
Hi Sarah,
It does sound as if you have come to the end of your tether! Yes, you need to instigate a big change.
There is no reason why you can be forced to look after your Gran, you are a very special person to have done so for so long. However there comes a time when even the most dedicated of carers just cannot do any more and should not when the caree needs a team of people to look after them for their safety and well being.
You would be quite within your rights to just close the door and run BUT you would probably feel terribly guilty about that as you are a caring person, so some planning and action required.
Right now, take a deep breath and tell yourself that you have made the decision and will be free again soon. That decision alone will give you some relief.
Are Social Services aware of your Gran at all? Do you have any help in the form of a care package? Does Gran receive Attendance Allowance? Has she got more than £23.000.00 in savings and assets?
What about your own circumstances? Have you got your own home? Do you work? Have you a family of your own?
These aren’t questions to be nosy but the answers will help all the experienced and ‘clued up’ members here to help you plan for both Gran and you and help you look after your own best interests as well as hers.
I’m sure more members will be along with suggestions but the first call should be to Social Services. Use words like ‘vulnerable adult’ (your Gran), say that you are in a crisis situation as you cannot care any longer. There’s your health to start with and you may have more reasons. Be firm and tell it as it is. They will try to talk you into carrying on. Tell them ‘NO’. By all means cry at them, make it clear that is not an option.
You might want to call those adult (if useless) children and lay down the law to them as well.
I do not advise you to just walk away. You’d probably feel terrible and end up back at square 1. Plan your escape. People on here will help as soon as we have some information to work with.
In the meantime, deep breaths and perhaps a cuppa?
Sending a hug ((()))
Elaine
I have my own place yes but no family and nobody to talk to really except for my dad.
She receives attendance allowance but has no savings
My aunt has said she can’t come over (hasn’t been for 4 years) and to give s/s her email address.
She has said that if she goes into a home that I will have to clean the house out too
My anxiety is really bad.
I’m not sleeping,I’m exhausted and I’m having heart palpitations all day every day.
I cry every day and feel like there’s no way my life is getting better.
There’s been times I’ve just wanted out with my life and for it to be over.
There’s just nothing left in me anymore and I’m only 33.
Hi again,
At 33 you have loads of good and happy life left to you, you just have to get through this. Afterwards you can rebuild your life, find new friends, new activities and will feel so much better.
Does Gran own her house? If so, when Gran passes away those adult children might get everything or the house may have to be sold to pay for care but that is NOT your problem.
If not, then Social Services will have to take on all responsibility for her care fees.
As for Auntie, just tell her that you won’t clear out the house. (Unless Granny has written a will and left you the contents? Or if there’s anything you want for your own flat.) She can’t make you. Selfish springs to mind. (Don’t want to be banned for using worse words!)
Have you called Social Services yet?
I understand that you are in a state of collapse (tell SS that too). You need to get to your own GP and tell him/her what’s happening. Don’t despair. You will get through this. Small steps at a time.
- Social Services
- GP.
Deep breath and make that call. You might have to give them a deadline. ‘I am leaving Gran’s house at 6 o’clock and I will not be back.’ You could check later but don’t tell them that.
Dig your heels in and tell everyone ‘No more’.
KR
Elaine
Sarah, I suggest you dial 999 and call for an ambulance. Explain that you CANNOT do this any longer.
I supported my mum for over 30 years. One day I was driving from her home to see her in hospital, when a little voice came into my head “I cannot do this any more”. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, but I was ill myself, had a business to run to earn an income, and a son with severe learning difficulties. I’d done too much for too long and reached what I called the “Clapped Out Carer stage”. There was nothing left in me to give. Fortunately, I have a very level headed son, now 40, and he’d practically ordered me to give up to, worried about me.
Whilst they might not take nan to hospital, they should be able to arrange an emergency admission to hospital, or a care home.
Your time is up.
I am dismayed that you have been left to care for her alone, when her children have done nothing to help.
Hi Sarah,
you have been given some great advice.
Posting on this forum is your first, brave step to sorting out care for your Gran and looking after yourself.
Please remember you can telephone the Samaritans at any time, free of charge, for emotional support:
Whatever you’re going through, call us free any time, from any phone on 116 123.
Melly1
Hi Sarah
I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a tough time at the moment.
It is common for people with dementia to lose interest in food and drink. The Alzheimer’s Association has some really helpful information on this at https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/daily-living/eating-drinking. As common as this is, it must still be very stressful for you, and it is important that you get support for yourself.
If you feel able to speak to someone about how you’re feeling or how to cope, please contact The Samaritans 24/7 for free on 116 123. They also have an email address jo@samaritans.org as it can sometimes be difficult to verbalise what you are feeling or make a call in privacy. Their contact information can be found at Contact Us | Samaritans
Also, have you been in touch with any mental health organisations? Mind (https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/) and Rethink Mental Illness (About Services and Groups) provide a wealth of information and support to anyone affected by mental illness.
You should contact social services. Under the Care Act in England (and other legislation in Scotland/NI/Wales) you are entitled to annual carer’s assessments through which you could be entitled to support (see link to Carers UK website below).
https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-support/getting-care-and-support/carers-assessment
Your gran should also have had a needs assessment to understand her needs for care and support (see link below).
Once again, I am really sorry to hear about what you are going through. I hope you find the support you need both on this forum and elsewhere. Forum members have made some helpful suggestions and others may also have some tips for you.
Wishing you well
Michael
Sarah, Social Services do have crisis care teams. They aren’t going to offer, but you’ve managed to tell us, so you now need to find the strength to talk to your GP to get help for yourself and to Social Services to make it clear you cannot carry on.
Please ask for an emergency app with your GP Sarah and tell them what you have told us - that you are at breaking point.
I agree SS have crisis teams and hopefully your GP will contact them on your behalf. At 33 you have so much time ahead of you. I have nothing to add to the advice given here but there comes a point when even the most loving and compassionate person reaches breaking point and you are now there.