New member

Hi new member here, and struggling! Mums 94,dads 89.mums very hard to care for, angry, says awful things to me as if I’m still a little girl not 66 Yr old women myself always saying (don’t want you helping) go away. Dad’s opposite quiet, gentle man, mum bully’s him. My husband as got bladder cancer and its so hard to carry on. No one else in the family bother. Have carers 4 times a day(not that mum wants them) we do everything else for them shopping, meds, taking them everywhere they need to go. All I can do is when I e had enough walk away to calm down. Mum lives only 4 doors away so alot of the time she will be banging on our door so hard to get away. Just so stressed and tired… I know they have some dementia. But I feel I need more help social worker just says next step a home.

Hello Lynne and welcome.
Most people find us when the stress gets too much, or in a time of crisis.
Hmm. Mum does sound difficult. The nastiness can be a certain kind of dementia. Did she always haves nasty side or is this new over the past decade or so? I assume if a day centre is suggested that she will refuse, and would that actually give any respite?
Sadly all dementia deteriorate, they don’t get better or less. You might find it useful to go and look at some EMI (elderly mentally infirm ) Homes nearby, just in case, or to be ready in case she’s suddenly admitted which might happen a after a fall or a break for example, as any change in routine would probably mean big step down in ability.
I’m not saying “put her in one now” but just to go see what’s on offer so that if/when the time does come it won’t be such a surprise and you may well feel better being informed and prepared.
If Mum is no longer safe or putting Dad at risk then things may need to move faster.
You may well find it a reliefs to know there could be an option.
Homes are NOT a comment or a criticism on your care. They exist because elder care, especially with dementia, gets to the stage that it impossible to provide safe care at home and it needs a 24/7 team.
Sadly both Mum and Dad have reached such good ages they may need 24/7 care. My 96 year old Mum is in a Home,a nd we are pleased she is safe, warm, clean and fed everyday. We still get exhausted with the demands and the visiting and the laundry (Homes lose a lot) but at least we can sleep at night and have some time to yourselves.

You need regular breaks, have you had a Carers assessment?

Sorry have to go out now…

Dear Lynne,
That’s all so hard and you have already done so much. Pulled in so many directions and exhausted both physically and emotionally.
Please bear in mind that we do not know you and whatever we say we are trying to help and offer advice knowing only the bare bones of your situation.
I cared for a very old mum but she accepted whatever help was available, even when she didn’t like it much, but even so I was also exhausted and fraught. With the addition of your husband’s illness, I can only imagine how you are feeling.
You say your parents have carer visits 4 times a day. As far as I am aware that is the limit so the social worker is just telling it ‘as it is’. Unless mum and dad are in a position to pay for extra time?
I’m not asking you to answer this, apart from to yourself unless you want to share, but if you are your hubby have a loving marriage then In my personal opinion, your priority should be yourself and husband. Is he undergoing treatment and is there hope of a cure? Whether yes or no, you may feel that you need to be with him. (Which in itself is enough stress for anyone.)
Perhaps the thing to do right now is to decide what you want to happen if only it could and then find out how to make that happen. Loads of people on here will give you hints.
Mum and Dad being taken care of in a Home so that you can concentrate on hubby whilst overseeing their care?
Perhaps just Mum? Would a private talk to Dad do any good? How does he feel. He might say that he would love to be in a nice Home or he might say that to ask your Mum to go into a Home is the very last thing he wants. It would be useful to know BUT at this stage of their life –and yours- the most important aspect is NEED not want.
Please remember that in all this You are just as important as everyone else.
Hang on in there. Hang on on the forum. There will be loads of questions, loads of suggestions and you chose which to answer and which to take on board.
You are not alone.