Feeling desperate now

I am so exhausted and drained today. I just have no “go” in me at all. My 96 yr old Mum has dementia and is in a very good care home but her dementia is worsening and she is anxious, agitated, very low mood, cries a lot, has various obsessions and she is just slipping further and further away.

I visit every other day and do all I can to cheer her up but nothing works and it usually ends up with both of us crying and then I drive home crying which is far from safe!

I have looked after Mum for 13 years since my Dad died and she spent every weekend here and we went on holidays away together until she went into care 3 years ago.

I worry about her so much and I worry about what happens when her money runs out (she is self funding following the sale of her modest house).

I also have my adult daughter with LD and who is on the autistic spectrum and I just don’t seem to get a single minute to myself. 13 years of this is now taking it’s toll. I come home from the care home and am absolutely shattered and just flop on the sofa.

Penny, you must protect yourself now, as well as the others.
I know how tough that is, but you need to look after yourself.
Two visits to mum a week, and one day a week when you are “off duty” to mum and daughter.
in reality that means you go OUT for the day, and turn the phone off.
If you don’t look after yourself, no one else is going to do it for you.


My friend’s Nan has been in a care home with dementia for some time now- she sold her house to pay for her care fees and, from what my friend told me, there is a cap on when the resident stops paying for their care and social services/CHC take over the fees (I’m not sure what this cap is, but I do believe it’s still in the thousands of pounds, if I remember correctly).

Please get in touch with the home manager and also the local authority to obtain the information you need. Once you have this, I know it won’t help with the emotional impact of your Mum’s condition, but it will provide peace of mind for the financial situation.