Husband with Mixed Personality Disorder

New to Carers Connect
1

Hello Everyone,
I am new to this forum and am a member of another couple of forums, but on doing an online search, decided to join this one too. My husband has Mixed Personality Disorder, is emotionally unstable and has OCD. He was diagnosed last year, but chose not to seek treatment and quickly came off the medication after his diagnosis. He is also my carer as I am physically disabled with Spina Bifida, but my local carers centre suggested I was his carer also as I do quite a lot to support my husband. To explain further, my husband has a lot of phobias which have increased a lot over the last year and he doesn’t leave the house now at all due to being “frightened of society” and is upset by neighbours making noise such as shutting car doors/making noise inside or outside, children playing outside in case they kick a football into our garden and he wears ear plugs and headphones constantly throughout the day, he also doesn’t sleep in a bed because he is frightened that our next door neighbour makes noise so sleeps on a mattress in a sleeping bag on our living room floor. People also coming to the door agitates him if they knock loudly on the door and we don’t have a doorbell now because it was making him anxious people ringing it, we have most of our blinds and curtains shut because he can’t look out onto the street and is frightened to do so. Basically he has very complex fears which the GP and CMHT team know about, but he will not seek treatment for this, but thinks that society are the ones who are at fault. He easily gets distressed and struggles with his temper and he seems to be triggered by different things multiple times a day, resulting in him throwing things, punching holes in doors, self-harming, talking of suicide all the time, he blames me for everything and tells me he was “normal” until he met me. He now denies that he has a Personality Disorder, saying instead that he has PTSD which has been caused by the way I treat him/have treated him in the past and is very abusive verbally to me which upsets me a lot. In the past he has been violent towards me for which I phoned the police and he was arrested and charged with a fine. We have tried to put that behind us, but he brings it up all the time that I got him into trouble and he can never forgive me, I have always abused him and abandoned him and so have my family, which I have not done. I am not saying I am perfect, but I have never abused anyone in my life! His behaviour seems to be getting worse with every passing day and I am so down and upset and just feel that I can’t cope. I have been to see a Counsellor but those sessions have recently come to an end. I do have some support from a couple of organisations such as my local Carers Centre, Healthy Connections and Support in Mind and meet up with their support workers from time to time. I try to get out as much as I can and am a member of a knitting group and do Tai Chi, but occasionally have to cancel things at the last minute due to my husband’s behaviour.

We live in a semi-rural village and my parents and friends live over an hour away from us so I feel quite alone with things. When I do see them I just put on a happy face and don’t tell them about what goes on at home. I find that my physical health is failing a bit now due to stress I think and this probably adds on to my husband’s stress and doesn’t help with his mental health.

I try speaking to him to encourage him to speak to someone about the way he feels, but this is just met with an angry response. He has relatives, but they never contact him and he has no friends left. I know loneliness is a big part of his problem too. I basically go through the day walking on eggshells so as not to trigger an angry scene from him. Even our cat is stressed by him! I do try to validate and listen to him as much as I can and have totally researched Personality Disorders since he was diagnosed. He tells me of how “he is the victim in everything and how nobody cares about him”. He thinks a curse was put on him many years ago and that is why he is the way he is. I feel that I am just on a merry-go-round and feel totally overwhelmed by this. I do think about leaving, but know that he would struggle to cope without me plus if I do mention leaving he tells me that he will commit suicide. I hear the same words from him every day, “abandoned, betrayed, controlled and oppressed” and he accuses me of all of them. I know that a lot of the time it is his illness talking, but I just feel so pulled down by the situation and feel a complete failure that I can’t help him. I have tried to put boundaries in place, but he just walks all over them.

I know that probably nobody can help me, but I guess I just need to vent and wonder if anyone else is in a similar situation to me? Apologies if I have just ranted on here and thank you for reading. All the best. :slight_smile:

2

Hello and welcome!

Have you requested a needs assessment or not? This can be done by a social worker working for your local council, call to start the process today. They should also do a financial assessment at the same time to figure out a payment method and so on too.

3

I have no advice but I can relate to your post. I am a carer for a very difficult man who has been verbally and a couple of times physically abusive.

Have you considered leaving? You could hopefully get some help re care as you say you are disabled. I would suggest you confide in your family- it is a major regret that I put on a brave face for so long. Isolation is a major factor in abusive relationships as is ‘gaslighting’. I do not know how old you are but forgive me, your life sounds like sheer torture.

Hopefully there will be others who can offer suggestions and advice but your post did strike a deep chord with me.

4

I’d like to give him a few other descriptions, like jailer and blackmailer.
He is not “caring” for you in the slightest, as far as I can tell, he is undermining your self esteem, he’s being constantly unpleasant and manipulative too.
The most important part of your post is his complete denial that there’s anything wrong with him, so he’s doing nothing at all to make himself better.

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.
Home is supposed to be a place of safety, of love, of peace, tranquillity, enjoying doing nothing together.
I’m now widowed, my husband and I faced some pretty grim situations, always together.
Whatever happened, there was always a hug to make things better, to get through things together.

You don’t mention any loving and cherishing at all, if he doesn’t love you, then don’t ruin your life, it’s too short, too precious to waste.

I know the marriage vows are for better or worse, but you are not facing any of these things together, are you?
If he was sorry, trying to do better, helping himself in some way, that would be different, but it sounds as if he’s constantly overwhelmed by his demons, completely and utterly self focussed.

Have you asked your GP for counselling?

I doubt very much that you have fooled your parents into thinking that all is rosy at home, you can’t fool parents like that. Maybe they are just desperate for you to reach out to them for help?

5

Hi Everyone,
Thank you to you all for taking the time to reply to me and give me much needed advice. I really do appreciate it and take on board everything you say. I find that my emotions are like a roller-coaster all the time as I was feeling low at the weekend, but have picked up a bit today and feel better for opening up to you all.

I am 50 and my husband is 53. I did contact Social Work a while back and this was particularly in relation to giving us some support at home. To be honest, the young man who came out didn’t give us any kind of assessment. He did help with finding out how we are placed on various housing associations/local authority lists as we are down to be re-housed due to both of our health needs. I did contact him again after his home visit, but he told me that there wasn’t much else social work could help with and just urged my husband to seek medical help for his mental health. So this left me feeling a bit let down. However, I will maybe pursue the needs assessment with someone else from social work. I have been sent some paperwork from our local Carers Centre for a Carers Assessment and the support worker there has been great with support and I’m meeting up with her again in a couple of weeks.

I went to speak to my GP a few months ago and she referred me to a Counsellor. I went and was offered 4 sessions and these have recently come to an end, but I was told I could be re-referred if I needed it. The lady was lovely, but I don’t feel it really helped me much. I am getting support from support workers from Healthy Connections and Support in Mind who have both been really helpful.

I know that my husband comes across as a complete monster and I do resent him at times and the way he treats me. I blame a lot on his condition and sometimes I think I use this as an excuse quite a lot, but at other times I do remember the good times we used to have and that is what keeps me going. I do still love him, despite everything and on good days, which are very few, he tells me he loves me too, although very often I find this hard to believe. I always felt that I was a strong, independent person despite my disability, but my confidence has reached an all time low in recent years and I know this has a lot to do with him. I do get angry at myself for letting him treat me this way, but again that goes back to me excusing his behaviour via his Personality Disorder. I realise that I can’t go on living my life like this and feeling this way and know I should be following my head and not my heart and leave him, but because he has nobody else in his life and his talk of suicide I end up convincing myself that I should stay. I am very torn as to what to do, but just have to pluck up the courage to do it. I know that I could go to stay with my parents temporarily until I got somewhere to live so that isn’t a problem. I guess I have always been hoping of some magic wand to fix his behaviour, but know that isn’t going to happen unless he chooses to get help himself. He is very consumed with himself and how he feels the world has treated him and is really paranoid. I do sense that my parents know there is something wrong and my mum at times asks me if I am happy and again I put on a happy face to disguise what I am going through, but I know they aren’t daft and probably don’t believe me! My husband has never got on with my mum, my family or my friends and has always struggled on social occasions. My parents are quite used to not seeing him and view him as “a bit strange!” They are both in their mid 80’s and my dad has Dementia now so I try not to worry them and with my friends I think I have always feared them thinking the worst of my husband so have never mentioned anything bad to them. I do want to say something to them when I meet them, but have always found it difficult to explain to them and find it much easier opening up to strangers. When I meet up with my support workers I completely vent as I have done a bit here.

I keep my own sanity by going to local clubs such as knitting and Tai Chi, meeting up with my own friends and seeing my parents and I also volunteer for a disabled charity where I help other disabled people, all of which I love doing. I often think that I am better at advising others than leading my own life.

I know that I have a lot of big thinking to do and thank you for helping me to think about things a little more. :slight_smile:

6

Sometimes a few lists on a piece of paper or computer page can help, if you shuffle things into what you like/dislike most, etc. strictly for your eyes only.