De-escalating angry situations

Hi Everyone,
My husband has Mixed Personality Disorder and OCD and often finds it very hard to control his anger resulting in him punching holes in doors, breaking things in the house and throwing things. This can happen on a daily basis, but seems to have got a lot worse lately. Basically I get blamed for everything and he is really verbally abusive which makes me feel horrible at times. I try my best to separate his condition from the person, but occasionally do bite back which I know isn’t the best thing to do and probably making him worse. I have tried to set boundaries in the past and they have only worked for a short time. He also has multiple phobias and doesn’t leave the house, is very lonely as he doesn’t have any friends and relatives don’t bother about him. He refuses any kind of mental health support and says nothing is wrong with him despite getting a diagnosis a year and a half ago. I try my best to validate him and do listen to him, but get accused of not understanding him.

I guess I am looking to see if anybody living with someone with a Personality Disorder has any tips on how I can support him better and try to de-escalate an angry situations before it gets any worse. Just to let you know I do have some support for myself in the form of my local carers caentre and Support In Mind and do try to get out as much as I can, but this isn’t always easy. I have a physical disability myself and my husband is my carer which I know is stressful for him and doesn’t help his mental health. I am just feeling really lost and hopeless just now and maybe just need to vent. Many thanks for reading. :slight_smile:

Perhaps caring for each other is not such a good idea. It sounds like you both need individual support. Do you have any outside help within the home. Outside the home support for you seems to be working. However, have you considered anyone coming in to the home. If your husband feels he is unable to leave the home. Maybe he needs someone with like minded interests to visit him.

Hi Sunnydisposition,

Thank you for your helpful reply. Yes, I receive support outside of the home to help me engage in local activities and for someone to talk to. However, my husband has been offered help/support in caring for me and for someone to come to our home and help with caring for me and he refuses, saying that he doesn’t want anyone coming in and messing with his routine and moving things in the house. He has OCD as well as his Personality Disorder so I think that is where this comes from as he hates people touching his things, interrupting his routine, etc. He gets quite agitated if we have to have workmen in and can’t wait until they are away. We have been told that we can get help no problem by social services, but he just won’t accept it.
With regards to getting him some help in the way of someone coming to our house, he has refused this also as he was offered a CPN a while ago. I have also contacted various mental health organisations myself to see if anyone can come to visit him such as a support worker or befriender to simply speak to him and give him some company and been told there is nothing in our area or if there is, that I can’t request this against his will, so am kind of stuck which is really frustrating. I feel quite isolated with my husband’s mental health and feel that I am taking on everything with little support, but I know there are other people in a similar situation so just have to get on with it, I guess. I have tried to get in contact with his relatives a couple of times to see if they can visit him and have been ignored. I think he has maybe alienated them along with his friends.

I appreciate you trying to help so thanks again. :slight_smile:

Have you ever spoke too or contacted …

There appears to be a lot of information. As you have mentioned Social Services. Has either of you ever had a needs assessment.

As part of a care plan to help you both. An assessment would need to consider your individual needs. Your husbands OCD would be greatly consider as with any disabling issue.

Your husband would be in charge and you would be in what take place in your home. Care plans home visits cover all sort of things. Not just physical and general everyday things. Also include emotional stresses.

Hi Sunnydisposition,

Thank you for your other post and the link. I will look into the OCD UK website and see what they have to offer.

No, neither of us have had a needs assessment as it was a young man who came out from social services and just asked my husband if he had a CPN and took down some details about housing associations lists we were on and phoned around them for us, but that was it. I will maybe give them a phone again to see if they can come out again and do a needs assessment for us. Meantime I will broach the subject with my husband.

Thanks again for your kindness in giving me this info. I really appreciate it. :slight_smile:

Can I ask your ages.

Are you getting all you are both entitled too.

If you husband doesn’t want to participate you can do it for you. It maybe a start and your husband may change his mind. As things start to happen for you.

It can’t always be about him, his mental health, and what he wants. Marriage is a partnership, he is dictating everything, you don’t seem to have a say in anything! Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life???
Could you make one room exclusively yours with French doors so you and carers could come and go without it affecting him in any way?
What is your own health problem? How much care do you need?

Hi Sunnydisposition and Bowlingbun for your replies and sorry for the delay in replying to you.

I have contacted social work this morning regarding getting someone out to do a needs assessment and someone is going to call me back about this. I have also emailed OCD UK re getting some more information and support for my husband, if possible. So many thanks for these suggestions. As far as I am aware, we are getting the benefits we are entitled to as I get PIP and my husband gets Carers Allowance and Income Support, but I can certainly look at the benefits calculator to see if we are entitled to anything else. I have just turned 51 and my husband is 53. I am meeting up with my support worker from the local Carers Centre in a couple of weeks with regards to completing some paperwork as I care for my husband also.

I have Spina Bifida and walk with crutches indoors, but have to use my wheelchair outdoors. I had an hip replacement operation 4 years ago and unfortunately it didn’t go as planned so has left me with more pain and less mobility, as I can’t drive now and am unable to work. I can suffer from a lot of pain at times and it can leave me bed-bound at times so leaving my husband to look after me more. However, when my pain isn’t too bad I can get out to local clubs, shops, visiting my family/friends, etc and I have mobility scooter which gets me out locally other than that I rely on taxis to get me about. My husband has to help me out of the house if I am going anywhere and back in again as we have a couple of steps at both the front and back door. So yes, in recent years I have had to rely on him more for help as before my surgery I was more independent and could do a lot more for myself.

I do realise that marriage is a shared partnership and I am currently looking into all my options for the not too distant future, but I do want to support my husband as much as I can, but realise he can be selfish at times and everything is about him, but sadly that is the way Personality Disorder affects a lot of people. They get very wrapped up in themselves and often don’t realise how their behaviour/actions are affecting their loved ones. I’m not making excuses for him, but that is just the way it is, hard as though it may seem.

Unfortunately there is no option for having French doors to the bedroom where I sleep and spend a lot of my time as we live in a housing association rented property and it is quite a small room. I appreciate the suggestion though as it is a good one and once again, thank you both for your help and advice. :slight_smile:

Eileen although your husband gets carers allowance. He should be getting PIP in his own right.

Hi Sunnydisposition,

Thank you for your latest reply. My husband applied for PIP last year with regards to his mental health and he suffers from a bad back too, but was unfortunately turned down for this. Since then I have been unable to persuade him to re-apply, but will broach this subject again with him. Thanks again. :slight_smile:

Did your husband not go for a …

from the web site

If you’ve missed the 1 month deadline
It’s still worth asking for a mandatory reconsideration, as long as it’s within 13 months of the decision.

You’ll need to explain your reasons for being late - for example if being ill or dealing with difficult personal circumstances meant you couldn’t apply in time. Use your form or letter to explain why your application is late, as well as why you disagree with their decision.

The DWP can refuse your application if it’s late, but as long as you applied within 13 months of the date on your decision letter you can still appeal their decision at a tribunal.

What you need to say
You need to give specific reasons why you disagree with the decision. Use your decision letter, statement of reasons and medical assessment report to make a note of each of the statements you disagree with and why. Give facts, examples and medical evidence (if available) to support what you’re saying.

Ii seem to remember reading fairly recently that the way people with mental health issues are assessed for PIP has been changed. Can anyone else find the details?

Hi Sunnydisposition and Bowlingbun,

Thank you so much for providing those links and info. It was only last Summer that my husband applied to PIP and unfortunately the assessor wasn’t the best as she wrote that my husband didn’t appear to have anything wrong with him, looked fine without any nervousness or depression and had refused to walk when she asked him as he suffers from Sciatica in his back too. She never asked him to walk anywhere as I was there the whole time during the assessment. Anyway, I will look into these links more and have a good read and I will urge my husband to reapply for PIP.

Just to let you know that social services phoned me this afternoon and someone is coming out to see us on Tuesday to do a needs assessment. So thank you for all your help. It is really appreciated. :slight_smile:

Good news com back and let us know how things develop.

Hi Sunnydisposition,

I will do. Thank you so much again for your help. I really appreciate it. :slight_smile: