I’m hoping that you will understand how I am feeling and maybe give me some tips to keep on going.
My husband of 26 years has mental health problems, which have led to a list of physical health problems. He’s just been diagnosed with a hormonal imbalance which at least might explain his bouts of rage and the endless fatigue. There might be light at the end of this tunnel though it seems like it’s very faint right now.
The question is how do you keep going without getting angry and frustrated and resentful. My husband looks fine but he can’t do much and I’m carrying so much weight right now. To the outside world everything looks perfectly okay. My kids arrive at college and school on time, well fed, with their homework done. The house is reasonably clean and tidy, we work.
But it’s me keeping it ticking. It’s me that arranges the shopping, does the dishes, cooks most of the meals, Hoovers and washes and tidies and plans and make sure that everyone is where they’re supposed to be when they’re supposed to be there. The mental load is exhausting.
It’s got to the point where everyone else is needs are so far ahead of mine that I no longer even know what I want, you can ask me what I’d like to do, what my plans are for the day and they will revolve around keeping everything turning, and not one thing about what I would like to do. I feel like a ghost of myself and I’m not sure how to keep putting 1 foot in front of the other.
In many ways I’m lucky, it could be that the hormone treatment will give me my husband back. Then maybe he’ll lose the 10 stone he’s put on and be able to stay awake past 7.30pm. Maybe he’ll stop seeing me as the enemy.
I’m scared to hope, and more scared not to. My life has become e so small, and I had such lovely dreams for myself
How do you do it? Put down the anger and fear and just keep going? I’m not sure I am strong enough
hi @Flee ,welcome to the fourm. It is a hard one to tell you the truth as I am in the same boat with mum who has mental health issues. Sometimes you got to let the anger out than keep it bottle up. I don’t know how I keep going but some how I do. If you are getting scared that your husband mental health is getting to much keep on to someone as in the end they will do something. If you need help try and ask for it but on your terms as some with take advantage. best of luck.
He has counselling, and medication. His work have been great. It just feels like it will never end, and because he can put on such a good front no one outside can really see the battle he faces or the weight the rest of us carry.
Hi @Flee
I can empathise - as many unpaid Carers can - with your exhaustion and near despair as you try to keep the family functioning.
I was full-time Carer for my husband Graham for four years after he suffered a f(fairly mild) stroke which then triggered a cascade of other medical issues. I went through long periods where I was not able to get more than a couple of hours sleep at a time and bed changing three times a night, no matter what precautions we took, became a way of life. It took a hell of a toll on me.
Following a massive decline from August last year, Graham died in December and at that point I was barely functioning. I would not have admitted that at the time, but looking back I see I was hiding it from others and fooling myself.
It is SO difficult to deal with providing for someone who is seriously ill and you have even more to deal with as you have children, and I am sure you want to try to give them a ‘normal life’ if you can.
My best advice is to ensure your GP knows your struggles and has you registered as an unpaid carer. Also contact your local Carer’s Support Centre who should be able to direct you to sources of help. Your GP Practice may/should have Carer’s Support available too.
You may find it useful to contact the Carer’s UK Helpline
They can also advise on any benefits which you may be eligible for. That can be a minefield so speaking with someone who is used to all the problems is useful.
You’ve made it to this Forum and here, you’ll find a wealth of advice and experience, so I am sure others will chip in soon with help for you. At any time feel free to vent or have a moan as we all “get it” and won’t judge.
@Flee ,I’ve been there, done that. I’m an ex-carer of 30+yrs. Mental health is a hard thing to sort out. There are people on here who will give better advice. When you do get time, doing small things such going for a walk, reading, listening to music, watching your favourite TV show is good de-stresser. Also contact your local health authorities, see if they can help with things such as respite care. Also contact you local GP. He/she maybe able to steer you in the right direction. This website is also a great place to help as well. E-mail or phone their hotline. They have people who are good at giving sound advice.
Thank you all for your replies. I am registered as a carer, and am on the way to getting the kids registered too.
As we both work the only benefit we’d be considered for is PIP, and applying is not something my husband is prepared to do. I do worry that it would have a negative effect on his mental health too, it would be very confronting to have to go through how dependent he’s become.
I’d love to find time out, sadly the depression comes with an alcohol misuse disorder and if I am away I find coming home really hard and I never know whether he’ll use the opportunity to drink. It stops being a break when walking back up the drive brings on a panic attack. Also, I feel guilty when I stop “doing” how do you get past that?
It’s so nice to learn that I’m not alone, or selfish to feel like I do. Thank you
Hello @Flee - your post resonated and I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I care for an elderly person with mental/physical health problems and had a close alcoholic relative. Here are things that helped me: 1) AlAnon meetings - to help bring the focus off the alcoholic and back to you, 2) regular therapy - as an unpaid carer I had 6 sessions funded by my local council then progressed to a private self funded therapist, 3) outsource what you can to reduce workload - get a cleaner, explore befrienders or private carers to spend time with husband so you get more time, use a meal delivery service to reduce cooking etc, 4) empower the children to do what is reasonable for themselves eg driving lessons, 5) involve wider family if you can, 6) explore respite care via the council - ultimately you cannot control if he drinks or not and must prioritize your own well-being, 7) PIP - optimize benefits for the good of the family not just husband. Overall it is concerning that your partner’s behaviour is causing panic attacks and I strongly advise mental health support for you and your children. You may have to examine what is a realistic and healthy living arrangement for you to effectively care for your children, first, acknowledging that your husband is an adult with choices who is responsible for himself. I wish you the best and hope for some relief for you very soon. X
I hope things improve for you, Flee. I can identify with a lot of what you have written, particularly the feeling of everything relying on you making it happen. If you forget, nothing happens. I am particularly frustrated by my husband’s son’s avoidance of discussing or acknowledging his father’s terminal illness. This means I am having to manage his father’s treatment and the decisions involved with him only. His health is steadily declining and I am having to do more and more for him. Including decisions about his health. I have Power of Attorney, do you?
His ex-wife seems concerned and wants to be involved in supporting us but both his children avoid being involved in his treatment or caring for him. They profess their love for him and want to socialise with him but nothing more. I understand they have families of their own but I find this denial and avoidance frustrating and isolating. I now no longer go to whole family events like his birthday party because I can’t sit and pretend everything is ok. In reality I am not allowed to discuss his health, they change the subject if I do and they show no interest or empathy with how I am managing to look after him. His son also does this when his father tries to talk about his illness. As someone who has always valued having some control over my life, I now feel I have almost none. I related to you saying your life feels small.
Choosing to limit my interaction with his children feels petty . I miss seeing his grandchildren as much . I feel guilty but my husband just thinks I should ‘stop moaning’ and I have, to him, because it stresses him. I know I should bite my tongue and keep channels of communication open but I can’t. I don’t have the patience or the energy . I had some counselling about my resentment of his children’s response before Christmas but a lot is still unresolved, my only option seems to be to accept the situation, control my interaction with his children, and try to build my own support systems. Online groups like this help to some extent.
I would suggest a different counsellor who can truly support you through this. The first one, male, I had wasn’t anywhere near as good as the second. She was a woman and simply understood so much more. I was newly widowed, newly disabled, with a disabled son and disabled mum. Every one wanted a piece of me. Counselling gave me someone to talk through my feelings, and how to do things for myself, which no one else considered. Counselling should be funded as part of your Carers Assessment.
@Ned i am sorry for what you are going through. Some people cannot cope with illness. Do you think his children are behaving like this because they simply cannot handle the fact that he is very poorly and cannot come to terms with it. Some people find these things hard to deal withx
Thank you Bowling Bun. I think my counsellor was quite good really because my husband’s children are unwilling to change, there is little I can do. Confronting them, especially the son, would make things worse, upset my husband and gave the son an excuse for his behaviour. My Carer’s Assessment is due, so I need to reflect on how they could support me. Ironically, it may be by helping me to accept a demanding volunteer role I have been offered, that may be the best choice for me. I choose it, I can offer my skills to help other people, I can focus more on life outside my own immediate situation and ruminate less. At the same time my husband is being cared for by other carers for a limited time a month .
Thanks Teddybear. Both children are adults in their 40s. I am sure there are a lot of issues in the family dynamic I don’t understand. Personally think they need to prioritise their father’s health over their feelings and help prepare their children for the inevitable.
I cared for mum for years, in various ways, my brothers were “too busy”. Counselling helped me feel more comfortable about my inability not to do everything for mum tat she wanted. That I should not constantly ignore my own needs to meet hers. If your husband’s sons won’t help, then you have to accept that decision. It means they cannot now tell you what to do because they won’t. Think about alternative ways to have the support instead. How much time to you get to be yourself, to swim, sew, have a facial, a hair cut? The time will come to help others later but right now you need to put yourself first for the sake of your own health, mental and physical.
@Ned it’s not an easy situation .and yes there could be lots of issues you know nothing about.would they if you had a meeting with both of them and explained that it is to much for you on your own and there dad needs there help to. I understand what your counsellor has said that if they are unwilling to change there is little you can do. You read a lot of it on this forum where one person is doing it all and the others are not doing anything ,just a visit now and again and think that’s helping and enough. Are they aware of all the work you do , and could do with there help not in a confronting away. A way of I’m worn out it’s to much for me alone. Would they listen then. I’m glad your husband is being cared for by other carers for the next month. So you have some time. And your carers assessment you will be able to ask them to support you with whatever you decide to do. Have a nice evening .take care.
Some care homes I’m my area offer day care. Our local hospice runs a Hospice at Home service. I know every hospice is different but they may offer something for your husband, and ongoing support for you?