Evening to you all I was a career from mental health for 14 years left to have a family which I have raised my boys alone (absent fathers) I am new here but just wanted to see if anyone could give me some light at the end of the tunnel I’m normally a positive person very outgoing and very much a people person
I got married to the most amazing man my husband who was caring passionate considerate and took on my 3 children 15 , 8 , 5 met him in 2016 and married him 7/7/17 , everything has been fine really happy life very active gym 6 days a week body building comps took boys to out all the time and my husband use to shower 3/4 times a day due to gym swimming etc untill December 19 th just gone my husband changed and was withdrawn wouldn’t go out , was worried so took him to a&e and we have had the home treatment team in ever since he doesn’t doing anything at all just sits no conversation nothing I’m doing all his care needs ( showering bathing shaving getting him up making sure he has his meds , clean clothes etc ) plus run house and look after our 3 boys because he wants to take his own life I carnt leave the house unless I get my family to come and sit at mine to make sure he safe Iv not been out of house from December he is paranoid that people outside are wanting to hurt or kill him must be distressing for him I wouldn’t like to feel like that he been on meds but not responded very well as it’s been nearly 3 week and he no better they are looking to increase his meds etc and seeing consult this week sorry for mega essay my question is will he get better cause I’m a little worried he might not as staff looked concerned when they pulled me to one side to ask me about seeing his consultant has anyone ever experienced something similar where they got better as I feel Iv done something wrong in how I’m looking after him , just feel he might not be getting better cause of something Iv missed to do I appreciate any advice that anyone can give me as I feel disappointed In myself as didn’t see the signs working with mental health as my job before xx
Hello Wendy and welcome
It’s always a bit quite on here evenings and weekends so I thought I d say “Hi” even though I have no experience of this sudden onset episode you describe.
Whatever is happening to your husband is most definitely NOT of your making, nor of your care of him.
If you feel he is getting worse contact the home team (whoever they are,I haven’t heard of such a thing before ) or the mental health crisis team. You may find he needs to be admitted for them to assess him and find the right treatment. This would NOT be any comment on you but would simply be the quickest and best route for him to get the help he needs.
Remember too, for either of you the Samaritans are always there to listen
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Or via any of these methods if you don’t want him to overhear what you are saying
If possible stay calm and supportive, i.e… don’t press him to talk or explain but let him know you are there when he is ready to
Hope this helps a little
Kr
MrsA
Thank you Mrs average
The home crisis team is a intensive support to keep people in there homes as they feel the recover better in there own environment
But just called home treatment, they come daily and ring there fantastic the really are, they are aware of how he feels but has been no change at all which is why they booked him appointment this week to see consult I have found a lot out about his past which yeah he should have been honest but I understand why he didn’t tell me but he has been in a hosiptal with mental health before he met me so I have found out everything from him been poorly which has been a massive shock to me in such a short space of time as I would have never have known
Thank you for taking the time to reply it’s greatly appreciated and that’s the biggest thing someone can give you I’m just finding it all overwhelming with my husband and it’s my sister first anniversary of her passing lots going on but I just keep going as I really hope and pray that he gets better as I want the husband I married but at minute he just empty I just tell him I’m here if you want to talk and just make sure he is clean and shaven and having good food and plenty to drink and make sure I give him his meds , but I have got outside pressure with family but mine are very supportive xx
Hello Wendy and welcome
My circumstances are different to yours. However, may I ask did your husband have a scan of some sort, when in hospita?l. I obviously am not a medical expert ( far from it), but am thinking maybe some sort of mini stroke, or such like. All I can say is the quicker you get some answers on this change of personality the better for all concerned. The unknown is awful and imagination runs riot.
I’m so sorry to read your post and agree with Mrs A completely. It’s not your fault, your doing, and you have nothing to feel guilty about. You sound to me like you are being extremely supportive to him, and caring to the most and more of your ability. Afraid it may you being assertive with the medical profession.
Others will be along soon with practical advice rest assured. Keep posting.
Take care x
Ah, it does make more sense if he has previous mental health issues. Such a shame he didn’t feel able to be honest with you,a sign of low self esteem or lack of self confidence. But that isn’t the issue now. Best to make sure he gets to the appointment and knows he is loved and supported.
There quite a lot of carer support on the MIND website. This page is a good start in the circumstances
Sadly, with any MH issue, it tends to need professional intervention and/or medication, and a lot of self will from the sufferer. There is very little a carer/family/friend can do.
On here we can support you by encouraging you to look after yourself and not to get too dragged into his struggles, but again that is for when he is safe and being treated. It does sound like he needs more than the current team can supply.
Xx
MrsA
It’s very common for those with mental health issues to be ‘coy’ about them - and very understandably on multiple grounds. Society is ‘not kind’ to those with MH and there is still a ‘stigma’ like it or not, and also the person themselves is probably only too eager to ‘not think about it’…especially if the attacks are ‘periodic’.
He might well have thought that the bad stuff was ‘over’, or indeed believed it would ‘scare you off’.
Please don’t give up on him…MH is one of the ‘comeback kings’…some forms are inherently ‘cyclical’ and some can be triggered by current events but hark back to trauma etc in earlier life. sometimes folk ‘deal’ with their problems by burying them, or denying them, but like a wound beneath the skin, it may be invisible, but the ‘infection’ is still there. Most therapists urge folk to ’ come out’ about their problems which may be very deep inside them and hard for them to face.
Another factor is that someone with MH may ‘hide’ their illness while they feel ‘threatened by life’…the converse is though that if they feel in a SAFE environment, they can finally ‘release’ the problems they have been suppressing. So, in that sense, if your partner now feels safe, loved and appreciated with you in his life, he can finally ‘let go’ of all that he has been ‘forcing back’…so it is a compliment to you AND a sign of how emotionally stable he feels with you that he CAN ‘express’ the problems he has…in that sense it is a GOOD sign that he is now showing you his frailty. It shows a high degree of trust…and that has to be good in a relationship
From here, you need to get good treatment for him that is as effective as can be, to ensure he ‘heals’ as much as he can, or at the least, learns how to manage his condition so it has the least negative impact on him and you and your family. Do be aware of the crucial difference, however, when dealing with someone with MH issues of whether you are SUPPORTING them (which is focussed on moving them forward to a ‘better place’ inside their head) and merely ENABLING them to stay as they are. sadly, many with MH just want a ‘crutch’ to lean on, and are fearful of ‘healing’…true ‘support’ may mean you have to challenge his behaviour, and set boundaries and conditions…or it can lapse into ‘indulgence’ of problems which he should and needs to tackle and confront and sort out inside his head, however troubled, and with your help.
Wishing you all the best, and I hope that you can get through this with him, as if you have a good relationship, then it is surely worth seeing what can be done to make him…and you…happier.
Hi Wendy, I’m very sad about the change in your husband.
I’m no expert about MH but the fact that he drastically changed just before Christmas makes me wonder if Christmas brought back unhappy memories from his past?
Also, have some comfort from the fact that it is still relatively early days since he changed so hopefully he will make progress soon.
I assume it was your husband who told you about his previous MH illness. The fact that he told you this is a good sign. He got better before so hopefully he will recover again.
I agree with with the other posts- you have done nothing wrong at all. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to help him and you are a loving, caring, supportive wife.
please keep in touch xx
Tha k you to everyone for your words of support means everything more than you know not been on cause we had nurses doctors coming in daily and with a family of boys been hard to get some time , I do see all aspects of what you have all said Only thing I don’t understand fully is like emotional support I still kiss him and tell him I love him all the time and I just talk to him as in normal day to day stuff like what kids have been doing at school etc he doesn’t say anything back but thought that’s what he needed do you think I should be talking to him differently or talking about different topics etc I feel hopeless at the moment just in case I say wrong thing to him or a topic he might not want me to say , his mental health team have said they thinking I’m doing a good job and you all say I’m doing ok just don’t feel like it at minute cause Iv never had to deal with mental health only on work base and feel it’s Different when it’s closer to home , Iv been trying to encourage him to do some free weights as he loves keeping fit but he just not interested and also does the medication he is on cause craving cause he always wanting choclate at the minute and he wouldn’t eat choclate before also crisps but he has lost 2 stone 4 pound
Xxxx
Hope your all doing well xx
Reading about your early days of marriage, he was clearly doing way to much trying to be perfect, gym, playing with the boys, etc. etc.
It was very deceitful not to come clean about his MH issues before you married. I would be VERY annoyed at that, as it shows a lack of trust. I’d be wondering if there was anything else he hadn’t told me?! He needs to apologise.
In the past, I’ve often said that we carers often try to be Superwoman, carry on as before, do the work of both, rather than asking for help. In his case, it sounds like he was trying to be some sort of Superdad, especially gym and four showers a day, really rather frenzied.
Being a REAL parent isn’t like that. It’s about reading bedtime stories, letting children play quietly, things like Lego; taking to them, explaining the world, building up a relationship. What are the kids saying about the current situation?
My son and his partner split up when grandson was about three years old, he’s now 6. He spends Wednesday afternoons and weekends at my place.After playing on his go kart in the garden to burn off some energy, and lunch, grandson often spends the afternoon cuddled up to his dad on the recliner watching Fireman Sam together, and chatting about all sorts of things.
The less your partner does now, the more difficult it is going to be to get him to start doing things again.
So I would suggest asking him to do a simple task to help you. If he is talking to the MH Team what is he now saying to you?
Hi bowlingbun
I understand where your coming from I wasn’t annoyed that he hadn’t told me but more upset that if I was aware of it before we got married I would have had more insight to his life think he thought I’d run for the hills but all said and done we all have a past whether it’s good or bad but yeah I do agree he should have disclosed his past issues it was a total shock for me when he has had this decline in his mental health so rapid , he loves spending time with the boys the rough and tumble stuff and football or going climbing and ice skating I don’t really get to do as I have health issues that stop me been as active , so he did all the physical stuff I’m more reading Stories baking painting etc I’m more hands on with them things with my boys and just looking after there General well-being making sure they have there homework done etc we used to go on walks all of us and just enjoy the air ( not been since he has been poorly) and we tend to watch films with the boys at night once we’re settled .
He always been into the gym due to him having multi competitions for body building and power lifting from a very young age that’s his passion , we’re all the same with showers but he likes a good work out he used to wake up shower same as myself both go to gym after boys were in school work out shower at gym then we would go swimming then shower after and before bed
Yes that thought has crossed my mind about he hasn’t told me but he isn’t talking much so very hard to find that out but I love my husband dearly and he has been a brilliant role model for our boys and a great husband
My oldest is very aware of what is happening and I have sat down and been open and honest we have a very strong bond as his dad isn’t around and very mature for his age he just wants better he is only known him as a real dad
Younger 2 just know he is poorly and has medicine to try and help him get better
Yeah he not doing much at all sleeping and just sat so you think by asking him to help such as tea or just helping with cleaning or with the children is better way forward
Hopefully in time I might get that apology but at minute I just want the man back I knew he doesn’t even know what day of week or time or anything x
Sorry forgot about the mental health team they come out 5 times a week and phone on the days they don’t come out , my husband doesn’t say very much at all we are going to see a consultant tomorrow which mental health team have arranged going to be a struggle getting him there but we might get answers to where we go from here and what needs to be done to help him improve x
Yes, I think it would help him to do simple jobs to help you, whatever he finds non challenging to start with. Maybe anything that involves him being stronger than you, so you can say something like “Can you give me a hand with this, as I really can’t manage it like you can”, or asking him to do something with the kids while you are preparing the evening meal. Perhaps emphasising that it’s to help you, not to help him get better?
I do hope it all works out for you, finding someone you love with all your heart is a lovely feeling.
Firm love is my personal watchword! You can’t just let him ‘do nothing’ all day, however wretched he feels. I assume he still expects food to be provided for him, etc etc? Well, he has to earn it like the rest of us!
I agree that at the very least he has to take on household chores etc, no matter how bad he’s feeling. self-discipline is key. Otherwise the MH will reduce him to a ‘vegetable’…
I’m a bit softer than BB on him not telling you up front, but now that you know he has MH, he has to do what he can - which is more than he thinks he can! - to help all round.
MH of any kind is not a ‘get out of all responsibility for myself and anyone else and expect to be given free food and lodging for the rest of my life as I am so unhappy’…card! NO ONE has that kind of card. no one.
Yeah I agree with you both bowlingbun and Jenny
I was very clear yesterday with him I said lads prefer you to bath them as they like it when you play with the boats and water crayons maybe you would like to bath them tonight he didn’t say anything I run the bath and he came in bathroom once I put boys in bath and washed them and washed there hair he got them toys out but didn’t really talk was speaking to mental health team yesterday and he is still scared to go outside as he still feeling that people are following him and wanting to hurt him even people are just walking past house or he remembered a car that has been past twice I said if them thoughts would alter maybe he would get better they agreed the thoughts are stopping him in his tracks , were off to see consultant today so hopefully they have answers to help him recover
I’ll continue to get him to help and try and make him feel like he is doing a really good sort of praising him xx
Set expectations, praise them when fulfilled. Seems a sensible plan. And a little ‘more and more each day’. Wishign you all the best.