Hi I’m new here! 28 full time carer

Hi I’m Katie. I have been a full time carer for 7 years now.
I’m 28 and I’m a carer for my mum has a chronic auto immune disease that affects her mobility. So to put it bluntly she can just about feed herself and go to the toilet but everything else is a real battle for her body. She’s 53 and since being ill she has changed a lot understandably. She’s a very straightforward person and very honest and I’m very honest with her. She can be very aggressive at times but I think it’s her medication to be completely honest. There’s good days and bad days and today has been a pretty bad day. I always feel alone even though I’m married and live with my whole family (brother and brother in law and husband and my mum) I feel like no one understands what I feel and all that kind of stuff but I’m probably one of millions who feel like that right? And the. You feel guilty for even thinking it because how can you be around so many people but it’s homeostasis only been like that through this pandemic. Feel the crushing weight of it you know? She’s immune suppressed so she is shielding as I am as I live with her. We haven’t left the house for a year now… I don’t know why I’m writing all this I feel like I need to get it off my chest and what better way than to people who don’t know who you are


Hi and welcome,

Please change your username to protect your and your family’s identity and prevent receiving unwanted emails.

I’m not surprised you are struggling if you haven’t left the house in a year and are caring too.

Most carers struggle normally and this pandemic is making it so much worse.

Are you lucky enough to have a garden?


Welcome to the forum.
Your situation sounds intolerable, torn in all directions all the time.
Are you, in fact, the family slave?!
Has everyone one else shielded for a year?
It’s no way for a young woman to live, and you must make some changes.
Don’t ever expect help or support from the rest of the family, I’m sure they’re all quite happy with the way you are doing things so they don’t have to.
Mum has absolutely no right to take her frustration out on you.
Is she verbally or physically abusive? It’s still Domestic Abuse. Medication is no excuse.

As soon as she starts, walk away, saying “I don’t have to listen to this. In fact I don’t HAVE to care for you AT ALL!” Because you don’t.
It would help others understand what you are going through if you record some of her outbursts on your phone, if safe to do so.

Now for a few important questions which will help us make a few more suggestions.

Does anyone have Power of Attorney for mum?
Does she own or rent her home?
Does she have over £23,000 in savings? Yes/No
When did she last have a Social Services Needs Assessment?
Is she claiming Personal Independence Payment?
Are you claiming Carers Allowance?

Thank you for saying about my user name I had no clue it was my email!!
I’m very lucky to have a garden yes and I have a little fat Westie that makes me happy. I suppose I have a little cabin fever is all or something like thatxx

Hi Katie,

I’m so glad it’s not as bad as I thought it might be.

Different people have different views about what is and isn’t acceptable language wise.
I studied Employment Law at college as part of my degree, and amused the family one evening about when it was and wasn’t permissable to use the F*** word, when you could use it without getting the sack.It’s classed as “industrial” language, OK in a workshop, not in an office!
I must confess to using some at times, usually when I’ve just encountered Social Services!

On the other hand, mum is clearly very seriously disabled, and is entitled to a lot more help than she is getting.
Social Services should do a Needs Assessment, and the GP should arrange for an “NHS Continuing Healthcare Checklist Assessment”. If mum qualifies for CHC, everything she needs will be provided by the NHS, free of charge. Alternatively, they can give mum a Personal Budget so that she can choose who cares for her.

Does mum need any special equipment to make nursing her easier for you? Does she have an adjustable bed, accessible bathroom, for example?

Is there a hospice in your area? Where I live, the hospice now supports people with what they call a “life limiting condition” which would certainly cover mum is she was here.
Some extra support would make life much easier, once mum had got used to the idea.