Hi everyone. I’m new to this site. I confess I’m not a newbie carer but I’ve been doing this (been a carer) for 30+ years (since I was a kid). Been a carer is lonely, even worse when you can’t find support. Apart from this site, try CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) and Samaritans.org. I fact, I think I’ll try them out too. Hope this is useful.
Hi JohnnyBoy, welcome to the forum.
Would you like to tell us more about your situation?
Are you sure you are both claiming all the benefits which you are entitled to?
@JohnnyBoy ….welcome to the forum from me too.
Hi Sue24. Appreciate your kindness. Like many current and former carers, I too am going through a tough time mentally and physically. It’s even worse when the social services, social workers and the care home don’t want to know. Your kind messages and support is welcoming.
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Hi bowlingbun. My situation is that up on till just over 6 months ago I was a carer for my mother. Not just her, but my grandmother and father before that. In other words, I’ve been a carer since I was 11yrs old, from 1993 to 2026. Recently I’ve been trying to apply to have my mother out of the care home and back to the family home. But over the previous few months, I’ve been opposed by the system (Social Services, Social Workers etc…) on everything I’ve tried to do. During her time in the care home (in Salford, I live in Wythenshawe) her care was neglected and she fractured a couple of her fingers in her right hand. It was investigated but as I predicted, no action was taken. It’s bad enough having my rights stripped away by various departments but, now I’m afraid she’ll die in the care home and I’m too helpless to do anything. Mentally it’s tearing me apart. I’m currently filling papers regarding “deputyship” because it seems to be my only option. As for benefit claims, none were made. Mainly because the DWP don’t want to know. As for family support, my friends live in the EU countries and family on my mum’s side live in the Rep. Ireland. So like I said in my first intro, been a carer is a hard job. But, in some ways rewarding because of the knowledge you are helping a loved one. Anyway, that’s my life in a nutshell.
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I’m not sure when I became a carer. Probably after my younger brother was born when I was 8 years old. Looking back, I think mum had post natal depression. In total I’ve cared in various ways for 10 different members of the extended family, but when I needed help, none of them helped me. I never hear from my brothers families, although some of them must drive past my gate almost every day. s*d the lot of them. Now it’s just me and my two sons, the eldest lives here, the youngest was brain damaged, he’s half an hour away.
Have you thought about taking mum out for the day, from the home?
What were the circumstances of her admission?
Have you ever done anything for yourself?
It took me years to learn to live again after being widowed and disabled.
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Thanks for your kind words. I’m trying to get myself on my feet but I too have ill health at the moment. As I said, she had to admitted to a care home because of her stroke. But since she’s been there, I’ve had a hard time trying to help mum. But I’m not giving up on having my mother back in the family home. If it wasn’t for this situation, I’d have left the UK by now. As for my current situation, my down time is mainly watching TV of DVDs, playing video games or listening to music. Other than that, I have on support network. PS. sorry to hear about your brain damaged son. I hope he’s OK.
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M’s brain damage is only partial. He can’t read, write, or do any maths, and has speech problems, so needs support to go out and about, especially as he can’t manage his own money. On the good side, he has a photographic memory going back into early childhood. I was trying to explain where Oxford was, after he asked. Then I remembered the concrete section of ring road which was always so noisy to drive along it sounded to me as if there were jet fighters somewhere near. I reminded M of this, and he remembered being in the cab of our vintage lorry (he always rode “shotgun”) pulling our steam engine on a low loader to a show. He knew exactly where I meant, he said dad was always afraid it would shake the cab to bits! He is the letting agent’s best tenant, his place is immaculate, not a thing out of place. He has been involved with steam engines all his life, first drove a miniature on his own when just 4 years old and can look after and drive our 10 ton steam engine by himself, as long as it’s a private road!
I would suggest you read a book called “Starting Again” by Sarah Litvinoff. It’s all about making a fresh start in life. I found it very helpful after I was widowed.
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Fair enough. Glad to hear he’s doing fine. As for the book, I’ll check it out when I get chance.
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@JohnnyBoy apologies if this has already been mentioned- have you not got a power of attorney for your mum? It may give you a bit more sway and I would say there is a safeguarding issue, if she has ended up hurting herself.
It is all so soul destroying being a carer and like so many, trying to find some time to yourself or to not have to think about it all is never easy
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@Kazzy65 , I’m currently going down this route via Court of Protection. Because there are days my mum can barely feed herself, so how is she going to put her signature on a form? I have spoken to these people and they said to fill in both health + welfare & financial. That way I can deal with mum’s bills etc. and her wellbeing. It will take longer to do but (fingers crossed), it’ll be worth it.
PS, when you’ve been a carer as long as me, it’s not easy to move on. Especially when I know I can still help her.
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