I'm new to carers connect

New to Carers Connect
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Hi Carers Connect,

My name is Ian.

I grew up as a young carer providing support for my mum and brother who were both wheelchair users and my dad who had MS. I am now 28, and as my mum now receives daily visits from a care company, and she is fairly independent, I was able to go to university and move out from home and work full time.

My dad has now passed away and although my mum is independent, she still struggles with a lot of household tasks and I worry a lot that she isn’t taking care of herself when it comes to keeping warm and eating properly. I also assist her with finances and house maintenance, which she finds very difficult. She is dealing with debt problems and we’ve had issues with cowboy tradesman taking advantage of her in the past and charging her lots for awful work.

I have been searching for some peer support at this stage because I am feeling very isolated and overwhelmed when it comes to providing care for my mum. I always feel like I don’t know how to solve these issues and that can be very demoralising and paralysing.

When I was younger, I never accepted any help for being a young carer and it’s taken me a long time to accept that is what I am and to be proud of it.

I always wanted the world to think that there was nothing wrong with our family life, but this truth is that it is difficult and I have realised that I need all the support that I can get.

I am reaching out to find some peer support and learn more about any services/help that could be available to my family. Particularly around finances and legal issues.

I get stuck between being overwhelmed with anxiety or running away from the problems and pretending that everything is fine when it’s not. I would love to feel a bit more empowered in my caring role.

I worry that I won’t be a fit for this forum as I’m not a full time live-in carer. But I feel like for the longest time, I’ve been stood by waiting for someone to tell me that it’s okay to ask for help and I want to jump in and see if this works out.

My aim is to give my mum the support she needs to live a comfortable dignified life. I fear that this is unachievable while still living away from home and working, but I also feel like my mum would hate the idea of me giving up that part of my life for her.

…

Other things to know about me: I teach people to cook for a living, I love following football and I’m currently trying to conquer couch to 5k and I love terrible puns.

I look forward to getting to know you all.

Ian

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Hi @Ianc welcome to the forum, you made the right choice in looking for help. There are plenty of us on here who are in the same boat. It’s always hard to ask for help as you are unsure what or who you get. I would suggest speaking to social services as they might be able to point you in the right direction for help like repair, DIY job etc. Also look and see if there is any carer’s centre or group on social media in your area. You can contact the cares helpline for further information and advice. You are always welcome to ask questions and help on here either on the roll call or as a separate thread.
Helpline and other support | Carers UK.

Good luck mike

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Welcome to the forum. I have been a carer for a very long time, in total 10 carees, in various ways. I have been involved with money and accounts, so as that seems to be worrying you a lot, tell me if mum manages her own money, or are you her DWP appointee? Is mum getting all the benefits she is entitled to? Does she buy things she cannot afford?

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hi @Ianc
Warm welcome, big hug and howdy! Of course you belong and fit here, geez given everything you did, do - even if you’re not living in or full time hands on you’re still a carer!

I’m sure our lovely forum will agree, even at a distance you’d still be a carer…we don’t go by ‘system’ definitions…more the human stress, worry and love definitions :wink:

It sounds like you’ve had to grow up and got older at a young age. It must have been so tough. (understatement I’m sure!)

Does your Mum have any friends or other relatives supporting her in addition to the care company?
With everything you’ve managed to achieve trying to figure out what other support your Mum could get at home or within the community would be my advise…
As you mentioned that connecting and reaching out hasn’t been something you’ve done or your family’s done…maybe that’s the thing - to give your Mum more connections and friendly support…do neighbours drop in?

carers UK have online cuppa meet ups if that’s something you’d like to do? Care for a Cuppa | Carers UK
You could get ideas from there too

I’m glad you’re here and reaching out…maybe you can share some recipes! :wink:
If you like puns you’ll like Bumper Stickers :wink: https://forum.carersuk.org/t/bumper-stickers-for-carers/123563?u=victoria_1806
Everyday chat and banter is here: https://forum.carersuk.org/t/roll-call-july-2024/125311/580
Welcome

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Thank you for your warm welcome Mike, that’s some great advice already. I already feel like some weights been lifted off my shoulders.

To be honest, I have had mixed experiences with social services in our area. The last lady that was assigned to my mum seemed to not really offer any help but instead told her she needed to “buck up” when it came to keeping the house tidy…I think a social worker could be really good for us but it’s hard to know what to do when one just isn’t right.

I will endeavour to spend some time reading through all the information on the carers UK site. I know that the first step is to inform myself as much as possible but sometimes I just feel hesitant or it feels like a big thing.

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She manages her own money at the moment but not very well. I support her financially where I can. I didn’t know about being a DWP appointee, what does that usually entail?

She often wastes money on unnecessary purchases yes

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I’m afraid most social workers find parents like me very “difficult” because I know the law and often they don’t. All I ask is that they do their jobs properly. Their basic pay starts at £40,000+. As a pensioner carer I don’t get a bean!

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Thanks for the welcome Victoria, this was definitely something I needed to hear today so thank you. :smile:

Mum has a small support network, my brother lives with her and can do some tasks for her but he wouldn’t be able to manage finances or the like. She is a member of a disability group in our town and she has a small collection friends but nobody that would offer additional care. Mum, like me, is also bad at asking for help.

Ian

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That’s interesting you say that, when I started pushing back and asking what support she could actually offer she became very defensive. She even went to visit my mum and ask why I was upset with her, which I felt at the time was odd and inappropriate.

I hate the thought of being rude or confrontational but I also feel the need to stand up for my mum.

Where’s the best place to start learning more about mine and my mum’s legal rights would you say?

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You could call the Carers UK helpline

or try the chat-bot app… there is a telephone assist at the bottom of the page:
Carers UK and Access to Social care just teamed up to do this: https://carersuk.accesscharity.org.uk/

Here is the Care Act info
Your guide to the Care Act (England) | Carers UK.

Best to call the helpline about benefits

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You are welcome @Ianc. With social services and social workers you got to stand up to them as they are bullies drunk on a small bit of power. If this social worker is causing more harm than good then don’t be afraid to ask for a different one or put a complaint in. I have done it myself and got apologies from social service and new social worker but I always keep a open mind when dealing with them as they will say one thing and it means something different that you would not think of or about because of the way it is put over to you.

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Carers UK’s main website has lots of information.

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@Ianc Welcome to the forum! Others have already offer the welcome, but we are a warm and friendly group so another ‘hello’ doesn’t hurt.

First - don’t be concerned about ‘not fitting in’ just cos you aren’t a live in carer. We all have our own responsibilities and Care however we can - some full time and others not so much - we are all (just as you) are all CARERS. We don’t judge on any count.

As for loving bad puns - you’ll find that @Charlesh47 will jump on that one - he and I are a double act on here and spark off one another (in a nice way, mostly…although I am sure he’d disagree). If we’re a double act I keep asking which is the straight man, and my husband says it had BETTER be Charles… I am sure someone else will come back at me about that pun…

Others have given pointers to some help and I hope you’ll find it useful.

Just organising getting Graham up and about to face the day and expecting two phone calls in the next 45 minutes, so I will probably post more a bit later, but wanted to say “Hi”.

Chris

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Ianc, you mentioned that the SW went to see mum to ask why you were upset with her.
That is totally out of order. Anything you say to her should be in strictest confidence!

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Hi Ian and welcome

I’m currently caring for an elderly relative but a couple of things you said resonated with me so I wanted to just say hello, and like others say you aren’t alone. As a child I was a carer for my mother who had severe mental health problems. ‘Young carers’ wasn’t a term that we ever heard back then. My sister and I were always pressured into showing the world we were a normal family and were repeatedly told that if we told anyone what was going on then social services would take us aware and put us into care. On the two occasions I did tell people what home was like (once at school and once at an after school activity) I was told I was lying and must be making it up. I think there is still quite a lot of fear in our parents generation about social services and definitely a reluctance to ask for help. Add to that how stretched social services are these days and it can seem like they aren’t there to help at all!

One of the places that really helped me with my elderly relative more recently has been their current care company. They came in for just half and hour a day to help him wash and dress in the morning but when I had problems getting support from social services they stepped in and helped fight my corner - making phone calls etc. They could obviously see that what was being offered wasn’t enough and were able to make the case professional to professional. They also had dads trust which helped. Anyway, just a thought.

Take care x

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Thanks for your welcome Chris. Hahaha I look forward to seeing more of your work on the pun front!

I’d say one of my all time favourite jokes is…it wasn’t easy getting over addiction to the hokey cokey… but I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

I’ve been really touched by the welcome to this forum and it’s comforting to feel a little less alone. I hope your day went well Chris :+1:

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I felt this was highly inappropriate at the time. The SW moved on not long after, no great loss to the profession.

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Hi Alice Underground and thank you for the welcome. It seems we have shared similar experiences. There’s a double whammy of the reluctance to ask for help/fear of social services with also feeling unworthy of help and guilty about receiving government help/benefits. Part of joining this forum has been about embracing my role as a carer and accepting it as part of my life.

That’s a really great suggestion about the care company. The care that mum receives is great and the carers are really important from a social perspective for my mum as well. I will try speaking to them.

I must admit learning more about what help is available is still a bit overwhelming but my aim is to do it a bit at a time.

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Just make a list of everything you are not sure about, put it in order of priority then ask us one question at a time. Our replies will help not just you but others too, who are “silent members” reading but not yet ready to join in.

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