Father, love him but it's hard

My father is so argumentative despite how much help given. He always argues and then says i do nothing to help him. despite caring for the last 25 years. My brothers help but only by visiting they do not see the behind the scenes care. Occasionally had to call my brothers after father had fallen but was told i should have coped. Now the abuse from my father is really hitting memories and i just want to walk away. The family home is in my name because i paid my parent years ago but not sure if my brothers know that fact, paid them much more then the market value because my parents were having financial issues. So the family home is mine. This alone will create issues but was done correctly through lawyers and my brothers were told at the time and did not object or just did not realize the future consequences. Now regretfully have to put my father into a home, brothers object but they do not have to deal with the caring issues. Toileting, abuse, lying, accussing, disrespecting,abusing,saying i don’t care while cleaning the toilet. saying i don’t care while cooking him dinner. saying i don’t care while organising his life and forgetting my own

This will be a somewhat lengthy reply. If he has had a care needs assessment then the next logical step is to investigate your options. If not call the council tomorrow in order to begin the whole process. Good luck. Make some brief summary notes as well. Read beyond the lines of the chosen care home or care provider in question to determine more. Hopefully you can manage to find someone. Research all your choices in addition like a live in carer. Check references.

Hi Paul,
caring for your Father sounds very difficult.

On the forum, we call people like your brothers helicopters as they zoom in (comment, criticise, make unhelpful suggestions etc and the depart) unfortunately they rarely change and add to the carer’s stress.

You must do what is right for you and in turn that will help your Father.

Has he had a care needs assessment? Also, has he been assessed regarding his mental capacity?

I’m not sure if you have heard of a group online that is called DWIL nation but they are aimed at helping people to cope with family problems and be assertive as well. Try posting on there in order to see if someone can help you. Good luck. You will need to be strong willed though as literally most of the posts are trigger alerts due to the content.

You have done nothing wrong here. You have a right to live in YOUR home, in peace, and certainly deserve respect for allowing dad to live with you for so long. Clearly, you have had enough. I met the point when I thought “I just can’t do this any more”, and so have you, from what you have written. If dad has £23,000+ left he will have to self fund residential care until he gets to that point, if not, Social Services will fund his care.
Can I ask if dad contributes at all to the care you have provided or his “hotel costs” at your house??

Call social services in order to start the process.

I’m replying to hopefully offer some support. As someone who has been through the trauma of being a carer for an unappreciative, difficult and, at times, verbally abusive parent (and having a sibling who was vocal while doing nothing of any use whatsoever), I am now a huge advocate for putting yourself first.

We get one shot at life. Hold your head up high, you’ve endured 25 years of being a carer and the resulting misery to you. Consider residential care for your father.

Now’s the time to put yourself first and to live your life. Any normal loving parent would hate to think that they’re holding their children back - let alone causing great upset. While it is your reality, the abuse you’ve been subjected to is totally unacceptable. While you say you love your father, you also need to learn to love yourself - and that starts with putting your needs first.

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emphasised textWhen i bought the home i paid off their existing mortgage plus i paid them the current market value and added 20 percent. Knew the future value would increase which is why i paid so much. Never charge my parents a penny for living expenses what theirs is theirs and never expected them to pay anything and that was what i wanted. Did not want them to worry about bills or anything just enjoy themselves and have holidays. Which we all did until this crazy few years began.

If dad has over about £23,000 and moves into residential care, he will be classed as “self funding” and will have to pay in full.