I’ve just joined and began reading posts from Joan.
My Dad is 92 with severe mobility issues and moved in with us in February. Mentally he’s all there. Physically he shouldn’t be weight bearing but somehow manages to get from chair to toilet to bed, even to mobility scooter to go in garden. He was maybe 15+ stone when he moved in and eats like a horse so can’t guess how much now. He has always been a bully and coercively controlled me and mum. Now he’s just a vulnerable elderly person who needs help. I’m an only child who has husband and two teenage children.
My friends have experience of caring, including one who cared for her mother in law with dementia for nearly three decades including 11 years bedridden, so I have people with sage words around me but no one who knows what went before . . My husband knows a little but hasn’t pushed to open the wounds.
Basically, when you’ve been controlled to such an extreme degree it becomes even harder to say no to the demands that are made I’ve never typed a thing on a forum before and I don’t feel comfortable doing this now, but it helped to read what others had said. Please keep this one open. I don’t know what my reason for typing all this was. I’m going to see if anyone replies and see what they say, maybe it will all become clear.
Please know you are not alone and that there is help out there. It’s really important that you look after your own overall well-being too. Caring can be very lonely. But Carers UK are trying to combat that by holding online meetups. Its just a lovely time where you can talk to fellow carers in an informal way over a nice cuppa in the comfort of your own home. You can sign up via the following links:
Care for a Cuppa: Online meetups | Carers UK
Share and Learn: Share and Learn | Carers UK
Our Telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email advice@carersuk.org.
The advice Carers UK range from:
Benefits and financial support Your rights as a carer in the workplace
Carers’ assessments and how to get support in your caring role Services available to carers and the people you care for
How to complain effectively and challenge decisions
Hello Emma …… it’s a pity you ever allowed him to move in with you really. however, as others have said, nobody can make you continue.
I know a woman who is an only child and her Dad was horrible to her and also her Mum when she was growing up. He bullied them both and used to hit them and intimidate them. She was glad to leave home as soon as she could but he still bullied and threatened her from a distance. Her Mum stayed with him but died several years ago. Then he deteriorated and expected her to do all the caring for him. She did odd bits and pieces but he was still awful to her. He ended up in care and obviously she was his next of kin so visited him now and again. he still tried to manipulate her and make her feel bad. He died around Christmas time and the care home rang her to say he was very poorly and not expected to live long but she decided it was best not to see him because she felt nothing for him at all.
I’m glad you joined this forum and decided to contribute your first post.
You need to put your well being and that of your family first. If that means telling your father to leave then that needs to be done. Get him to look after himself and get him to use Social Services for help.
I had a great relationship with my late mother and lived with her for 14 long months. It was extraordinarily difficult and I’m still fighting on her behalf regarding her poor care. Don’t let your father destroy your family situation. It sounds very harsh but you both need your own space, your independence. The sooner you can sort this out the better.
You’ll get a lot of support and advice here so please ask more questions, consider our oftentimes varied opinions and go from there!
Hello, Emma. Your father needs to be elsewhere, but now that you have let him into your home it is going to be difficult to get rid of him. Possibly he could have an accident and go into hospital, which would be a step towards his going into new accommodation, but you should not wait for that to happen; it could take years. Meanwhile his physical condition could worsen and you would have more problems on your hand
If he wants live with you, you have a right to assert your terms. The relationship of parent-child should not apply. Again this is more easily said than done.
Could you give us a few examples of his bullying or unacceptable behaviour? Will your husband support you in standing up to him?
It would also help if you could give a little more information about your father’s background.
Where was he living before he moved in with you?
Do you know much about his finances? If he has more than £23 250 to his name, that is significant.
Emma, did he bully you into taking him into your home? Or?
He may be elderly, but it could be that his attitude towards you amounts to domestic abuse.
Please consider recording what he says to you, with your phone, as long as it’s safe.
Dementia and mental decay takes many forms.
Sometimes nasty people soften in old age, sometimes lovely people develop upsetting or inappropriate behaviour.
Are you getting any support from your own GP?
Have you asked Social Services for a Carers Assessment?
Is he paying you a contribution towards the expenses of the house, his food etc. ?
Is he claiming Attendance Allowance?
Hello Emma, 4 years ago I posted a comment regarding my Mum on this forum, the only time I have ever posted anything on any platform (until this today). I received lots of good advice but I couldn’t or didn’t act on it because I felt it was my duty to care. I grew up in a difficult home with an alcoholic abusive father who left when I was 8 promptly replaced with my disabled grandmother and my early childhood memories were bathing and ‘cleaning up’ my Nan . My Mum was completely absent as a parent but cutting a long story short I ended up as the main/sole carer for my Mum who is also disabled and despite the advice given to me 4 years ago on this forum I am still in the same position except that my children have now left home and have their own lives and my husband and I have moved to France and my Mum came with us, My children have since told me how difficult it was for them but my brothers and sisters are even more removed they actually think it is their right to come over to our house in France to visit my Mum and have a holiday which just places additional pressure as my Mum is now completely dependent for personal care. She refuses to go to stay with anyone else so we never have a break and to be honest we are exhausted. I have just recently (yesterday) told my brothers and sisters it’s not acceptable anymore and have received lots of ‘we really appreciate what you do’ but no practical advice, guess it will never change - I wish I could give you advice but from personal experience I know how difficult it is on an emotional level to act on advice even when you know it is right, I think the caree (is that actually a word) knows how to manipulate your emotions to make you feel responsible, I really hope you manage to balance your responsibility as carer with your own life and needs as it is something I am not sure I have ever managed. X