Help with elderly nan!

I am new to the site and not even sure where or how to start.
The advise I require is regarding my elderly nan. She is a diabetic with numerous other medical issues and recently has had problems with he bowels and being incontinent regularly. She is wheel chair bound with one leg and currently has carers in to the house 3 times a day. However over the past year she has become increasingly dependant on my mum and my aunt, who are now regularly being called out of work and in addition becoming depressed and unable to cope with the constant early morning phone calls and calls throughout the whole day to aid accidents and general care needs. The family have tried to talk to my nan about the care she needs, but she refuses to accept she needs extra help or willing to consider any other options or the option of a residential home. My mum and aunt are becoming ill themselves now and at a complete lost of what is best to do from here.

I am very upset to see the effect it is having on the family and also the relationships with my nan and just looking for any and help, support or advice on what to do from here.

Thank you all for your time

Hello Amy and welcome

What is you Nan’s age? Is she in receipt of attendance allowance.

Has Nan ever had a needs assessment.

I’m afraid given Nan’s medical needs. The time has come for either outside help or moving out of her home. It’s sound clear your Mum and Aunt also require/need help. Nan has to except help from other parties. Or a combination of family and outside carers.

Have either of them ever had a carers assessment

Would Nan be able to use a personal alarm. Although some alarms systems call relatives. There maybe a system were a mobile warden would visit for an emergency etc. They don’t give care.

I afraid Mum & Nan are going to have to be very strong. And make decisions for your Nan.

How old is nan?
She is probably unaware of how much everyone is doing for her. A common trait of the very elderly.
She needs a Lifeline to call for help when needed, and mum and aunt must leave their phones somewhere they cannot be used during working hours.
If she has continence issues then she needs to see the surgery Continence Nurse at the surgery.
The only power nan has overman is the power they let her have.
Yes, she needs help but she has absolutely no right to tell either of her daughters what to do.
I know it’s difficult, I had problems with my own mum.
Only when I was in hospital having life saving surgery would she accept outside carers.

My nan is 88, she currently has all the lifeline supports in place like when she is out of the bed to long and the panic alarm necklace. However when these are activiate it is my mum and aunty who are called by the company.
The continence nurse has been contacted and she has recently had a bowel operation, unfortunately this does not seemed to have been a success and is more incontinent than before, which is then left to family member to go clean and sort out which again is taking its toll on everyone :pensive:.
I am sure she has had assessments completed but refuses to answer questions truthfully and insistent she can manage however this is far from the case.
I gravely appreciate your feedback and will sit down with my mum tonight and go though all the links given.
I hope you are doing a lot better since being in hospital, again thank you so much for your time.

When did nan have the operation? She should have had 6 weeks reablement care afterwards.
Was this provided?
Did mum know the situation was worse before discharge?
I also had problems with the Lifeline call centre where my mum fell. I told them they must call the ambulance, as she would we to be checked over.
Mum and aunt must tell the call centre NOT TO CALL them during work hours.
It is their right to do this. Social Services are required to support carers to continue working. It is their problem.

Hi Amy, welcome to the forum

Sorry to hear about your Nan, that sounds like a lot for your family to be coping with. It’s clear that you all care about her and want her well looked after but it’s important that your Mum and Aunt also look out for their own wellbeing at this time.

It might be helpful to download our ‘Looking after Someone’ guide from our help and advice page here:

There are support resources here too:

Best wishes