Newbie and struggling. My mom is in her 70’s and lives alone. Since dad died over 20 years ago I have done lots with and for her to help out. I am aware she has some narcissistic tendencies and that she has often guilt tripped me, and I have worked hard to maintain boundaries. Over the last year I have found she is definitely getting more frail and forgetful. She misses medical appointments, does not collect/take her meds unless I help, she isn’t cooking and often has no food in, says she bored and lonely, her house is clean but says that doing the housework causes her pain. I am doing more and more and am now cooking, arranging all medical care, taking her to all appointments, sorting out finances etc. She constantly calls about nothing really. Every solution e.g. meal delivery, household aids, going to clubs are turned down. I work full time and have my own health issues. My problem is not knowing what is real or not. I would hate for her to be ill, injured or not eating etc because I didn’t not believe her. I have no idea at what point she will need more formal help
At the moment I feel like I have no future and totally trapped. I wondered if anyone else has similar experience?
hi @KatRob ,welcome to the fourm. By the sound of it, I would suggest talking to social services or you mum doctor and request assesment done on her but I think she needs to go into a care home or social housing when some one can keep a eye on her but also help I am sorry if it sounds not what you might want to hear but by the sound of it your mum need a fair bit of help which maybe you or family can’t give and she is at a risk being on her own. All the best.
The more you do the less mum will do. A common problem!
My mum resisted carers for years, but when I had major surgery and the choice was carers or care home, she had carers. Then she found she enjoyed the female company, etc. Does mum drive? If not, maybe she would like someone to take her out, to appointments etc.?
Does mum have a pendant alarm?
Do you have Power of Attorney?
Is mum getting all the benefits she is entitled to?
@KatRob I have to say that the elderly are often in ‘denial’ and the help you give tends to increase and increase. I agree that a pendant alarm is a good idea. Also I think you have to go for tough love and say you are too busy to take her grocery shopping weekly and try to get her to agree to an online shop maybe every other week initially, and then increase what is ordered until you can cut the shopping trips down. With regard to the medication, would a dosset box help her remember.
I would say start to distance yourself. If you are worried about her health wise, write to her GP saying she is a ‘vulnerable adult’ and get it on file. The more isolated she becomes, the more she will rely on you. Would she accept a cleaner? Someone to go in twice a week and check on her? Does she claim Attendance Allowance? If so this could go towards a cleaner.
Sadly needs tend to increase rather than decrease with time so if you are struggling now, this is the time to try and put some safety nets in place. It is hard but you do have to work on disengaging. The Forum is full of members who have ‘slept walked’ into becoming full time Carers.
I so so sympathise with everything you describe. It’s almost identical to my 94 year old father who only this year finally, after I had been living with him for half a year, agreed to seek diagnosis.
He lost a great deal of weight by masking his situation for ages and not eating properly.
It was only after he had a potentially very serious fall that he allowed me to take proper care of him. I was ‚fortunate‘ in that I was made redundant around that time and given a small payout and that he has enough cash that he help (eventually after much wrangling) me financially.
Part of losing mental capacity is losing ability to weigh risks, benefits and costs up and the
intransigence and apparent selfishness is part of this.
I hope you’re able to find good support beyond this forum very soon. It’s really vital
Do you have Power of Attorney for dad?
Or are you his DWP Appointee?
Is he claiming Attendance Allowance?
If so, and you are under pension age, are you getting Carers Allowance?
She does drive though getting very limited on where she can get to so really just local shops. She also has a couple of friends who take her out once or twice a week. I have power of attorney. She gets attendance allowance and I’m just doing her pension credit claim. She doesn’t really like to spend anything though!! Currently trying to convince her to get a Doro phone though it’s “too expensive”. It’s just good to know I’m not the only one going though this. Part of me is so glad I have her and the other half looks at you all taking are of parents into their 80’s and 90’s and it’s such a cocktail of emotions.
After dad died I managed all mum’s finances, at her request. All she wanted to know was that she had enough money to pay for her JD Williams orders! All the statements were redirected to me. (I used to manage accounts for a small hospital).
It’s a hard situation to find yourself in, KatRob. I was in a similar situation myself. First, sit with your mum and talk to her. She is frightened because she knows she is becoming more dependant on you. It’s the loss of independance that is frightening and she is holding on to what she knows and loves dearly, YOU. Ask rather than tell. If she can still read, get as much info on stuff as you can. And leave this on the table for HER to read in her own time. Tell her the more help she accepts means more independance she will keep. Accepting a little help goes a long way. Unfortunately that ‘stubborness barrier’ is fear and whatever your mum is thinking ‘accepting help’ means. That’s why it is important to break it down in to manageable chunks for her to understand. If there is a lack of mental capacity then you need to get social services involved. This pdf is informative and covers the five principles. Is worth reading (when you get time). There is no telling what is real and what is not if you are not actually there to see for yourself. If your mum still has capacity do look into powers of attorney there is two parts health and welfare and property and finance. You can phone and ask utilities for your name to be placed on record. But your mum has to be in the same room as you as they will ask for your mum’s permission at which point you had her the phone or put it on speaker. I found discussing things with my mum and explaining it in a way mum understands ‘laymans terms’ she’d think about it. It’s not easy being mum’s carer. You can’t imagine the fear they feel or the anger at losing independance. You don’t see it that way because you are not ‘in her shoes’. All you can do is be BY HER SIDE and help to resolve the fear which will present itself as tears, frustration, anger. As for work it’s a hard choice only you can make. If help is put in place things can become more easier in managing the situation. I asked my mum after she had a stroke; who did she want to look after her me, or outside carers. Mum chose carers. She had maximum care package 4 visits a day. after hospital discharged her.
There is telephone friendship available from AGE UK. They have a lot of info. that can help also. Age UK Advice Line. I
0800 678 1602
Free to call 8am – 7pm 365 days a year
If you get someone to come in to do housework make sure they have passed a safeguarding check.
Hope this little helps in some way.
Care and thoughts
Friday