How to find the right care for my partners nan

My partners nan is 77 now. I have only known her a couple of years but this is what I know

About 10 years ago her husband died. Ever since she has been living on her own a 3 hour drive away from all of her family.

We visit her about 4 times a year and she comes to see us about the same aswell. We noticed about a year ago she started to repeating her self and asking questions repeatedly. This has got worse very fast.
She stayed with is this weekend. 2 nights at our house and two nights at my mother in laws. She slept fine at the night at ours, however at my mother in laws she was pulling the wardrobes out during the night, saying the lions where coming for her, asking where she was. The list goes on.
She had a drink in the evening at ours and not at my mother in laws so I’m wondering if she is using alcohol to help her sleep.
She sleeps most of the day.

She went home today and on the train back the police had to be called as she was getting angry thinking someone had stolen her suitcase.
We contacted her doctors to be told she needs to make an appointment herself.

We dont know what the next option is. She wont move back down here to be with us as she doesn’t want to leave the place she made a life with her husband.

Hi Beth,
Welcome. A dilemma indeed. It shouldn’t be your partner’s problem but obviously they are concerned about Nan. Is MIL Nan’s daughter or is Nan her own mother in law?
Did someone actually speak to the GP or not get further than the receptionist?
The GP won’t be able to discuss Nan with anyone who hasn’t got POA but one suggestion would be that a letter is written, addressed to the GP by name, a copy kept and signed for on delivery. If Nan has living children it would be better coming from one of them maybe, or indeed your MIL.
The letter should explain Nan’s circumstances, the deterioration family members have noticed and concern for her well being. Others here will probably give you some appropriate phrases to include but one will no doubt be ‘safe guarding’.
It sounds as if Nan needs to have an assessment from SS with the aim of having some care provided. Would she agree to that?
Does she have friends in her area or even good neighbours? If so do they have MIL’s phone number in case of emergency?
Nan’s recent symptoms could be the start of some kind of dementia but could equally be due to something as simple as a urine infection, or indeed alcohol but exactly what needs to be determined by a health professional.
Once the family know what is wrong and how well Nan is looking after herself then the next step can be taken. Nan is only a few years older than I am so I can quite understand her desire to remain in her own home for as long as possible. However if she is not well, for whatever reason, then she needs help or medication, whether she wants it or not.
Ideally Nan might manage for years yet with a bit of help and perhaps some equipment in her home. I do advise against any ‘Knee jerk’ reaction such as having Nan come live with you. You have only to read around the posts here to understand what a ‘can of worms’ that is which can lead to the detriment of your own health and relationship.
One step at a time.

This is all very worrying, it’s good of you to be concerned. How to find the right care depends on a variety of things. Bear with us whilst we collect a bit more information. Then we can point you in the right direction.

It is to be expected that with increasing age, comes increasing need for support.
With good support, she can stay at her place as long as possible.

The time may come, however, when she needs more support than she can have living at home, especially if she is becoming a danger to herself and others. It’s what she NEEDS that matters, not what she WANTS.

Does Nan have a good friend her own age, or anyone else close to her?
She may be worried about herself?

Does anyone have Power of Attorney set up?
Does she own her home, or rent it? Is it tidy, or chaotic?
Have over £23,000 in savings? (Yes/No)

Do not make any promises you won’t be able to keep i.e. “we’ll never put you in a home”, but use words like “as long as possible”.

Tack on … on the radar of the local branch of AGE UK ?