Help! Mum is rampaging

It is no use. It just feels like no one wants to do anything. I am stuck with what to do. I received another letter this morning from the Extra care team who say that they cannot do anything to speed up the process to get mum into supported accommodation, she remains on the waiting list.

Fine, however I think services really need to pull their finger out and put something in place. In the previous letter, they identified that she was on the waiting list to be assigned a new social worker who will then carry out more assessments including the financial capacity assessment. Really these things should be done now considering she is paying for the care now.

In the meantime, I can see mums mental state getting worse and worse.

As for what is going on with my aunt, mums care package starts on Monday. I hope they will see something. I suppose in this situation the carers will have more power. I know my aunt does not want my mum to have carers. If they witness it, they will be able to relay it to social services. Apparently, to social services evidence of significant abuse to two extremely disabled people and multiple animals is not enough because the cases are ‘unrelated.’

I wrote a letter to my MP, about the ridiculous amount of effort it takes to get through to the mental health crisis team in the area. I feel like situations could be avoided with my mum if they were easier to contact. Basically the whole procedure just drags out to long. Basically the whole of the mental health services in the area go through one main helpline number. When you ring you are told to enter a queue of no specified length, nor do they tell you your place in the queue.

Instead, you just have to wait for the call back. It comes back eventually, but it can take hours especially on a weekend. Even then they have to ring through to the department which then creates another queue of unspecified length. It is a nightmare. I just think it is an inappropriate response to a mental health crisis.

Mum has had to be sectioned multiple times in her life, and I swear contacting the crisis team used to be easier, they used to allow you to go direct to them. They wont allow anyone to ring them directly either, it has to go through the main helpline number.

I once contacted someone from the MIND advice line asking for advice and they gave me an alternative number, I called it and they told me off.

I am not NHS bashing really, but in a crisis situation I don’t think this system words.

This is why I hate being a carer, I have said before that I don’t feel like this should be the role of a carer. I remember when dad had cancer; though hard, it was easier. But this is the reality, caring for someone who had stage 4 cancer, not much power of movement, and no speech whatsoever was easier.

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I frankly do not know what else to suggest. I would personally consider phoning one of the Mental Health charities again- MIND or SANE? I appreciate you had a bad experience once, but both charities are staffed by individuals and volunteers so hopefully you will get someone with more experience? Worth a try? As an outsider, it appears to me that your mother is considered to have ‘mental capacity’ which means she can live her life however she chooses. I agree in her case it is certainly not ideal but unfortunately it is very hard to get SS or the NHS to accept that the person is becoming a danger to themselves and possibly others.

I am really sorry but the best advice I can give to you and your sister is please try to disengage to the point of breaking off contact with your mother, for you own sanity. I totally get how hard this is going to be but if you really feel that your sister could be in danger, surely this is the only viable option for now?

Hopefully others can maybe offer more constructive advice? But you so seem to be going round in circles. Surely your mother should have an emergency Social Worker if she is so vulnerable? I appreciate it has not made it easier with her previous one leaving.

I understand. It is a hard battle. I appreciate the advice from everyone. We have even been told by the police that social services just aren’t doing enough to support mum. I just feel like if I weren’t here to manage everything than they would quite easily walk away leaving me with a bigger mess to clean up.

When mum was denying the male care coordinator they made no steps to ask her why. I had to tell them, she didn’t want a man nor did she want a man that she couldn’t understand. The duty sw said ‘Well, he speaks good English’ I responded ‘maybe so, but mum has a hard time understanding basic English. She cant understand her name sometimes.’ I identified in the assessment that mum had communication problems, but it seems like social services have more. Once I told them that, they sent a female instead, and now she accepted the care. It starts on Monday. If I didn’t say anything they probably would have dropped her. Was it so hard? I just think that they identified her as needing care for mental health issues, they should have least corresponded when she was cancelling all the appointments all the time.

I understand the waiting list for extra care. It makes sense. we know it will happen hopefully within the year or early next year. We know it will really help her, and give her the safe environment she needs. We also know it will be an opportunity for her to make friends in a healthy way. We also know they will be watching my aunt like a hawk.

Hopefully these carers will provide her with some more stability.

We have also received more information about this abusive man which makes sense to her current mental state.

Ever since he has continued to harass mum and has threatened to petrol bomb my mums house and murder her. She has called the police several times about it, but they won’t do anything whilst she is under bail. They keep saying she has to see it through. He is continuing to give her death threats.
They are also saying that the issue is not immediate.

The man has also gone to several of our family members telling them about mums proposed actions turning them against her. Several family members have called my mum also having ago at her for apparently hitting this guy. I have also being on the receiving end of nasty messages from family members telling me I am a ‘disgrace and an unfit daughter’ from not stopping mum from hitting this guy.
The guy has also contacted my youngest sibling (20) and has said some very odd things.

The guy has also made several fake accounts and added my younger sister. He told her her “I hope you realise what she is doing. if you were all for your mother, you would want to kill me right now.” It’s a very gaslighty comment to make. The guy has also told my sister that she better be there to stop him when he comes around to hurt her. The fake account is pretending to be his girlfriend, but the profile pic is of Chloe kasardian. During the messages, the person ‘him’ claimed that my sister better be there to watch when he hurts her. By then my sister had stopped responding. The next messages which followed were along the lines of “I hope you can protect her from me.” Those words have been actually said.

We have also noticed that another account has been made under my mums name and using my mums profile picture on her main account. We know this guy has been claiming mum has been harassing him. The account was made in December. We believe that he has been messaging on this account to create the illusion that mum is doing all this and she has got into trouble.

It is clear that mum has not made the account herself. I know that because if she has an issue with something techy she always comes to me. The woman can only just handle Facebook. She has asked me a million times in the past how to turn the volume up and how to turn it off and on. She’s asked a million times how to charge it. She did not create this account.

As for blocking this guy is constantly making new accounts.
Mum has also really cooperated with the police she has told them her exact whereabouts at all times. her friend lives in supported accommodation and they have cctv, the police have refused to check it.

Mum is very scared and jumpy. She is lashing out at people because she is so scared including her own children. She is so scared she is sleeping next to a weapon. She has self harmed and is threatening suicide. The doctor has shown some concern. The police have been made aware, but they are not doing anything. Social services know but aren’t doing anything. However I do know she is working with DAP.

Safeguarding just arent bothered. We also think the man is using the police system against my mum.

Mum has just messaged me, saying about this account. She believed it was real. I had to do a reverse image search on the profile pic and show her.
This just shows her vulnerabilities really.

Coolcar, Ideally you’d all stay off Facebook for a bit and let friends and family know you are doing this and why. However, I suspect your Mum won’t do this and it may make her anxious. If this is the case you all need to lock down your Facebook pages so that only real friends and close family can see your profile, timeline etc You all need neutral pictures not of yourselves for your profile pics and somehow you need to get across to your Mum to not accept any new ‘friends’ at the moment.

Facebook has a system for dealing with fake/impersonating accounts - though I don’t know how effective it is.

Regardless of whether the police will do anything in regards to the man making abusive threats - all threats need recording - screen shots or whatever and reporting to the police so that there is a record of them.

When is your Mum’s case to be heard/her bail finish?

I agree. I have had enough of family members aside from siblings really. I didn’t interact with mums side much before only a few members I was forced to have contact with. My eldest aunt is not so bad though. She is just getting on now, and can’t deal with it. Obviously I am not blaming my disabled aunt either, she couldn’t harm a fly. The best thing ss ever did for her was taking her out of the mental aunts care. She is doing so well. My cousins are weird too, but there is a massive age gap between us.

I’m so sorry for putting this on everyone. I am just fed up of dealing with social services who cant seem to provide adequate care. Well most of them can’t. I am getting extremely annoyed with begging them to help with the most basic things. I do think they are neglecting mum and hoping she goes away.

So as things stand now, mum is waiting to be assigned with a new social worker. The last one was great, without her mum would not be on the waiting list for extra care housing, nor would she have a care package either. Only the previous sw was a short term one part of another team.

However now that things have happened with her ex, and even then the police have failed to investigate properly. The question “how does a woman with mobility issues and a fractured shoulder, strangle a man twice her height ?” Secondly, how can this woman be stalking him right now when she is inside our cells?” Both are claims which she was arrested for. However they were quick to dismiss the case when he fractured her arm. The police also made no attempt to contact her social workers.

As things stand, mum is just waiting on her package of care which should start Monday. However there are a few issues but hopefully we can sort those. Mainly they are only giving her three days of care whilst the social worker before said 6. So I don’t know what has happened there.

Other than that it is her supported housing, but even that is leaving me worried. If this guy keeps adding more and more to the list of lies and mum ends up with a criminal charge it could impact her place, and then well it’s a life sentence for me. I have spoken to the team and they say it really depends what the charge is for. I spoke to a police officer last night and even she said cases like this are often dropped because of a lack of evidence. I only hope that is the case. I have told mum to be on her best behaviour. However I can’t help but wonder? Why does he get away with it when he is making serious threats, she likely told him to go away, or more bluntly F off, and she gets arrested for harrassment. The police may as well be on his side.

Apparently mum is in talks with DAP and even she said the investigation officer is not dealing with the matter appropriately. The case is really just a disabled woman with a history of crippling ptsd, depression and anxiety, compared to a man that was kicked out of the army for violence, spent multiple convictions in jail for domestic abuse. I mean it doesn’t compare, mum is not innocent I know, but still.

The bottom line is mums capacity here. I think there is a lot of assumed capacity because she is walking and talking. I don’t believe they take mental health seriously either.

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