Hi, I have just joined and would like some advice. I am a 43 year old man living with his 73 year old mother. All my life I’ve suffered mental illness (depression, social anxiety, avoidant personalty disorder), which has massively held me back. It stopped me leaving home, forming proper relationships, building a career, etc, I spend most of my time reading and have managed to do an MA at the local university. I’m very introverted, and the lack of people in my life doesn’t bother me.My dad died ten years ago, and my mother has suffered a bit with depression ever since. In a way, this situation suits us both. I don’t have the stress and misery of work (I do the odd bit here and there, but have never had a proper job and have no pension), while she gets my love and support. I know I sound pathetic, lazy and immature, but in my defence I claim nothing from the state and hurt no one. I just live a quiet life of reading, dreaming and studying.
So why am I here? Well, a little while ago my mother fell over and damaged her hip and back. I’d always taken her health for granted, but it was a nasty reminder that things aren’t going to get any better. And I’m not prepared at all. I know nothing about carer’s allowance, care costs, wills, etc. My mother owns the house and had money left to her by her own parents, so financially she’s in good shape. I have a younger sister, who is married and lives a few miles away, and my mother has left everything to the two of us. What if my mother develops Parkinson’s (like her own mother), or becomes ill or dependent in some way? What if she needs round the clock care? I’d never really thought about where I’d live if the house had to be sold to pay for it. I suppose I’d have to leave and move into a council flat, get a job stacking shelves at night, that sort of thing. I know this makes me sound ruthless and greedy. I’m really not. If my mother needed round the clock care, well, it’s her money. I guess I just need advice. Hopefully, she’ll be ok for the next ten years or so, but who knows.
It’s nice that you want to help take care of your Mum now you feel she might need this soon. While you can’t predict what’s going to happen, it’s good to be informed about your options and begin to make plans.
Have a look through our Help and Advice pages for information on what your Mum might need and what help you’re entitled to with this. Dowloading our ‘Looking after someone’ guide is a good place to start -
I think you could consider sending her to a care home. The best thing is to also look after yourself and put in place what i would call safety mechanisms. Life is uncertain and illnesses effect people in a mysterious way most of the time.Do what you have to do to secure your future too. Consider all options.