Help me cope with ADHD adult son! New to site

Carers' health and wellbeing
1

My son is 26. He does not work, claim benefits or study and rarely leaves the house. Me and my wife support him financially.

He has many behavioural aspects of ADHD - very emotionally reactive and quickly gets very animated in reaction to me. He is time blind - doesn’t appreciate when I have something that needs to be done at a particular time and perceives rejection if I attend to something time bound. He sleeps through most days and up through the night. He cannot motivate himself to anything that isn’t time bound, His room looks like a hoarders paradise with a “trench” between boxes and stuff between the door and his bed. He is very reactive to me and has no tolerance if I don’t communicate effectively - i.e. if my body language shows that I’m about to get up if I don’t announce it first he will take offence. He continually tries to physcho analyse me and says I repress emotions where as my view is that as a 60 year old, my emotions are less impactful certainly than his. He is very demanding of attention - he will want for example me to come through and listen to some music he has composed but it doesn’t matter if I am in the middle of something else he expects me to respond immediately. Generally I would say 2/3 of conversations involve at some point him reacting to me - his thought jumps around constantly and when he is presenting an opinion is very often side tracked and takes hours to get to a conclusion.

Its very difficult to follow his thoughts and often ends with open questions like “what do you think” - it seems like a constant trap as whether I refer to the subject of the last 5 minutes or earlier in the conversation it always seems to be the wrong thing I am responding to and that triggers him.

On one hand he wants me to express my emotional state even if its negative - “I’m in the middle of working now is not the best time to listen to something” - but will react badly to perceived rejection.

I have been encouraging him to seek assessment for years but he simply refuses to accept this as a way forward.

I feel constantly under attack from him and under siege. His mum has a far better relationship with him as a result of being very deferential to him - she avoids disagreement and is very apologetic to him when he perceives offense,

He thinks I am the problem. His mum whilst very much on the same page that he has ADHD and needs assessment also seems to think I’m the problem because she doesn’t have the same issues with him.

It s wearing me down - Im 60 have several health issues and Im just so tired of being attacked constantly..

Even hearing my experience is typical dealing with him would help - would be nice not to feel alone with this

2

Hi,

I’m sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. It may be worth reaching out to ADHD UK for some advice?

Is there a reason why he doesn’t claim benefits? or just the act of completing forms/applications too much? Depending on your area there may be a community hub that can help with form filling. It may be worth expressing the benefits of having some of his own money. I would also suggest if he does apply for benefits then to also speak to the GP about limited capability for work as this will put him in a different category that the job seekers. More information on benefits can be found on the .Gov website.

I have also just registered to this site, partially because i saw your post and want to response (hopefully with something useful). I care for my partner who has a neuromuscular condition and Autism. I myself have recently been diagnosed with ADHD and it has made a massive difference to my life. I am 25 years old. So in some ways in a similar situation to your son.

I am now on ADHD medication and it helps me cope with day to day life better. Having a diagnosis makes it easier for me to understand why i am like the way i am. I went through the right to choose pathway, which is being reduce over the country due to many people accessing the service and being diagnosed (which is crazy, they have opened a new pathway and then start closing it when people are using it) So depending what part of the UK you are in I would enquire with your GP surgery on where they stand with right to choose, shared care and also advise on how to encourage your son to get a diagnosis. The ADHD UK website has a lot of useful information as well.

It also sounds he may be a bit depressed? or be having some difficulties with his mental wellbeing (given the world we live in this wouldn’t be surprising). Some people can be depressed or experience some mental health difficulties without even realising, I whole heartily suggest your first point of contact should be your GP. Even if you speak to them in regards to the impact this caring role is having on your own health and wellbeing.

I work for carers charity which is an organisation that supports carers and carries out Carers assessments. Carers assessments are in the Care Act 2014 and anyone who identifies as a carer is entitled to an assessment, it may be worth looking to see what service is in your area and making a self referral.

I know i have suggested a lot and i imagine alongside your caring role this may be overwhelming but making a few actions/steps may greatly improve your situation.

When it comes to the difficult conversations or if he is being asked to do things e.g. applying for benefits, it may be worth your wife sitting down with him as he seems to be (from your post) more receptive to her.

Please do look after yourself and take time to do things that positively impact your wellbeing even if this is just a coffee and (hiding) in a quiet place.

I hope this has been even a little bit useful, Take care.

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Hello both and welcome to the forum, @ScotsDad and @BronT !!

It’s a bit unusual to have two newbies post before a regular says hi! We must be slipping!

I’m a carer myself: among others I care for now and have cared for over the years, I have a 40 year old son (41 next week - where does the time go?) with autism, and have also worked with families with autism and ADHD present. Some of what you’re saying, ScotsDad, is very familiar - I have a 44 year old son who is undiagnosed but has a similar bedroom layout and attitude towards it!

Much of what you describe is very common in both ADHD and in autism spectrum disorders - especially among the more verbally able - and I think there is considerable crossover between the two, to be honest. I’ve heard parents describe their offspring as “the ultimate teenager”, whatever age they’re at. The problem with your son, of course, is that he’s not been a teenager for a while now, but he seems to have remained a teenager in attitude. That must be really frustrating, but it’s also a possible way in.

So far, he’s the one pushing your buttons and you’re responding in a way that’s predictable. The other problem is that he probably has so little sense of time that, for him, time has no real meaning. It passes quickly when he’s engaged in something, and very slowly when he’s waiting for something he wants to happen now. I don’t really have a suggestion for that, other than to give him a time point to focus on. “I have to finish writing this sentence. It will take two minutes.” - working on the assumption that it will take one minute or less. If he objects, tell him it will only take longer. When the two minutes is up, give him your attention. Youv’e taken enough control to make your point, but you’ve given him the time he needs. Remember: he values YOUR opinion of his music. That’s really important. Other things may not need such a quick response, but that one I think is vital: he’s seeking your approval.

A lot of people with ADHD and on the spectrum can struggle with interpreting body language: what others might anticipate from body language may come as a shock to them. So it may be that your moving “suddenly” (as far he’s concerned) shocks, or even frightens, him. I remember a young woman with autism who was bullied at school was found laughing with her bullies who had set fire to her hair. She was laughing because she wanted to fit in - which made them laugh all the more. She’d no idea what they were laughing at. Fortunately she suffered only very minor burns.

Being easily sidetracked is a feature of ADHD. I should think it’s very difficult to keep him on track. Is it possible to remind him of the topic at hand without getting a reaction?

Otherwise I think BronT’s suggestion about benefits and an assessment are sensible. The hard part will always be getting your son to agree to the assessment. Maybe it’s worth getting hold of some leaflets to leave in strategic places around the house where he might notice them and take a look for himself?

4

Welcome to the forum.

Why isn’t he claiming any benefits?
If he won’t, then have you thought about becoming his DWP Appointee?

Has anyone discussed future plans with you, ready for when you can no longer care for him?

My son had to leave home at 16 as I was very ill. He’s now almost 47, lives in his own flat with carer support. I’m not saying this is right for him, just that you need to plan now for his future.

You deserve a peaceful retirement.

1 Like
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Hello and welcome to the forum.

I am a carer to my 24 year old son who is very similar to @ScotsDad ‘s son. My son does not have a formal diagnosis. He has been referred for assessment, but it could be years before assessment takes place. His brother and father are neurodivergent. His father is resident in a care home, and his brother lives in supported accommodation (both have complex mental health issues). My son also has huge problems with uncontrolled anxiety and an eating disorder. He does receive a little (irregular) help from the ED team, but this is largely because I contact them when things get too dire.

I am 65 years old and work from home. However, one of my concerns is that if I become unable to look after my son, and if my son does not gain some sort of independence or support, he will be in a very difficult position.

One break through that we had recently was that my son claimed Universal Credit. He had a work capability assessment which showed he was not yet ready to look for work,. and I am now considering helping him claim for PIP.

Thank you for the tip about ADHD UK, Bron. My son does recognise his neurodivergence and any reliable source of information and support is welcome.

Communication is difficult. My son presents his opinions as facts (he has a very concrete way of perceiving the world), he also has no real filter. When we are in a shop together, I do remind him about his language and he has a terrible ‘habit’ of misinterpreting other people’s body language.

I am aware that i am rambling now. However, because I really do have to make my communication clear, try to prevent RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) and negotiate situations for my son, and to the same extent with his brother and father (who have additional problems with schizophrenia), it is really important that I have the chance to have a little life outside the home. For me, joining a local gym and a lively church has been very helpful.

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Is your son able to go out independently?

As I can’t write with a pen due to arthritis, I asked DWP to arrange a Visiting Officer to come and see me and complete the PIP renewal forms for my adult son with LD. I suggest that you do the same. The VO was a very experienced person who understood the complexities of my son’s LD. He asked if M could dress himself. Yes. But he wants to wear shorts when the sun comes out even in March, and forgets his coat etc. In that case, the answer to the question Can he dress himself (appropriately) is No! After his visit the claim was granted within about 2 weeks, without any hassle!