Good for you, Lesley. Let us know how you get on.
Melly1
I actually don’t know where to start in order to start changing my life. I’ve been doing this for so long that I’ve gotten used to the way of my life. All my life has revolved around been a carer and putting myself first is a unfamiliar feeling.
id love to post about my life from what i remember of it but I don’t want to seem pathetic or ungrateful.
1 Like
Caring is hard whatever form it takes even though on the surface it may seem as though your Mum’s blindness is something simpler to deal with than a physical or mental disability. (If you want an insight into my last week, my wife has peed the bed twice [blocked catheter] peed whilst in her wheelchair twice, [reasons unknown], pooed from the hoist onto both the bed and the floor on the way to the commode).
No-one here will imply that you are either pathetic or ungrateful, but you do have to start to take charge a little more. Think of the circumstances as being reversed, you’re now the acting parent and your Mum is the one who has to defer to you.
I’d suggest, (and feel free to ignore my suggestion) that you choose three things that you’d like to do, pick the least important and just tell your Mum a date and time when your going to do that and work from there - I say choose the least important first as it will give you a clue as to how things are going to pan out, no point in having a big disappointment with something more dear to your heart.
Hi Lesley. Recently I suddenly realised that mum had taken over too much of my time and energy. It was really due to the Lockdown - because I had stopped going to social activities and dance classes. Anyway I just suddenly told her that I was entitled to time off caring and I needed time off to sort out my house and garden (which is true!) I told her that I was having 2 days off each week throughout July but I would still cook her dinner for her in the evening on those days. Also she could phone me if there was an emergency. When I told her this I didn’t wait for a reply and left the room. Mum didn’t like it but surprisingly she accepted it and fortunately her adult grandson is with her a lot if she needs help. Mum is 89 but manages her own personal care etc. She can also do light chores in her bungalow. She has mobility problems.
I guess your mum may be frightened of being in the house on her own, which is understandable. But there are blind people who live alone.
Have you thought about finding a support group in your area for blind and partially sighted people? If there is a group nearby they may even offer transport for your mum. It would give your mum a chance to meet other people who understand what she is going through.
Hi there, my boyfriend also lives with us so it isn’t like she’ll be left home alone.
Don’t be silly, your mum isn’t your boyfriend’s responsibility, you need to be going out together as a carefree couple!!
Wow!v3 years since this post and nothing much has changed. I’m 3 years older but I’m getting my confidence everyday even with anxiety and depression. I’m finally enrolled in college although it’s only once a week.
I’ve been having a bad few days recently.
1 Like
That’s really good news about college, Lesley. What are you studying?
It sounds to me - and don’t take this the wrong way - that you might need some sort of therapy. The perspective of someone who isn’t involved is be really valuable for many people.
If you ask at your GP, you will find at least one way of being referred for talking therapy. College may be another route, and I understand that it’s sometimes quicker.
Just remember there is no shame in ashing for help with a problem you can’t deal with on your own.
I juggled studying with caring, just one day a week I was me, not someone’s wife, daughter, or mum.
At the moment I’m in an English workshop before I go into a proper class
If I’m honest I think I need it too, I’ve had therapy before CBT to be exact for my anxiety and depression. I’ve no idea where to go of carer’s therapy or where to even start.
I like that day too when I can just be Lesley.
1 Like
I asked my G P if he could recommend a private counsellor to me, and it was funded rough my Carers Assessment. Prior to that I had some free counselling arranged by the local carers worker, but no one told me there was a limited number of sessions. Just as I was beginning to trust him, my sessions ended and I had to start all over again with someone else!! The second counsellor was a woman, much easier to relate to.
Sometimes I feel I can do nothing right in the eyes of my mum. She’ll ALWAYS find something to moan about and bring me down.
I’ve got no where else to post so I’m posting here as a little diary/journal.
1 Like
Hello Welcome
It took me about a year to get the courage to post. So glad you’re with us now. Warm wishes Ula
Lesley, when mum is rude to you, put on your coat, down tools, say “I don’t have to listen to this. If you can’t be civil to me, I’m going home”.
Unfortunately, I am at home as I live with her. X
Sorry, I thought you lived elsewhere. Having reread your thread, I’m very sad for all concerned that nothing much has changed. A disability plus increasing old age is tough. I’m almost afraid to ask
Is mum having any outside help now?
“Allowing” you and your partner time off?
Showing signs of mental frailty?
Have you done anything about your housing issue after mum dies or goes into residential care?
Nope, mum won’t accept outside help, so it’s all down to me and my other half to do the best we can. Me and my other half haven’t been on date for 6 years as mums said "doesn’t want to be left stuck in the house whilst we’re having us time.
Housing no but I do have some money coming my way and I’m putting half away for our future without mum and this house.
Dear Lesleydawn
It feels like your posting here and putting aside some money are good signs.
In your own way you are finding steps to confidence to live more life for you.
Keep going with these steps to bits of freedom.
You may just start popping out and with out your Mum realising you’re getting a bit more time to yourself.
I hope so
Warmly Ula
Long ago I used to take people to a club for the blind as a voluntary driver, they were a wonderful bunch of people. When I worked in Switzerland one of the guests on my dinner table was blind. I am so sad mum has apparently never had the support she needed to become more independent and socialise more. It’s incredibly selfish and unreasonable to deny you and your partner a happy life of your own, Does she ever leave home alone or see someone from the blind community? Have you ever had a Carers Assessment?