Hi @LesleyDawn83 and welcome. You’re in the same age group as my “children.” And it seems to me that for most of your life you’ve been caring for your mum and although you are unhappy, you’ve probably not experienced much else of life. Your mum has held onto you because she can’t imagine anyone else doing it for her (and I think for another reason, which I’ll get to in a minute), and the thought of strangers in the house quite likely induces a hint of panic. Part of the reason your mum doesn’t want people involved is because this started during your childhood, and most likely early on. This would be at a time when there were lots of bad news stories about children being taken away by social services, so your mum very likely got into the habit of not asking for help out of fear.
And got used to you doing it all.
It can’t go on. For all sorts of reasons, but not least for your own future.
You need to accept that, actually, you’re the one with the power. You can say “no.” You can say “I’m not doing this any more.” And where would your mum be then? She’d have to accept help from outside. She’d kick, scream and fuss about it, but eventually she’d have to accept it.
The hard part is overcoming the sense of guilt. But you need to take the decision for your own welfare. The upside is that getting others involved might actually open doors for your mum that she’s been leaning against to keep shut all these years.
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Hi there, the help and support is available for her but she’s not taking it. There is a blind person association nearby and she’s not bothered to ask if there are groups for blind people there.
Unless mum knows the person she won’t go anywhere. So it’s either me, my other half and maybe sometimes my aunt and my sister.
No I’ve never had a carers assessment as mum and my other half don’t want people in our house with 6 cats.
It’s very tiring been a carer and I’ve contemplated SH before today
It would be really helpful for you to talk through your thoughts and feelings, face to face. I am generally regarded as a very “strong” person, but we all have a breaking point, I’ve met mine. Constantly torn between the wants of my brain damaged son and housebound mum when I was newly widowed and newly disabled. My counsellor did not tell me what to do, but we talked through a number of issues and she helped me decide things for myself. Most of all that I couldn’t please everyone all of the time, and I had an absolute right to put myself first some times and not feeling guilty about it. I found a book called Starting Again by Sarah Litvinoff helpful when I was newly widowed, struggling to work out what I wanted for my future. It was an easy to read book, and cheap on eBay. Your role as daughter is not to be mum’s slave until she dies, if she chooses not to join any groups, then she is entitled to make that choice for herself, but she is NOT entitled to tell you as an adult what you can and cannot do! You cannot change mum, she is too stuck in her ways, but you can change how you feel and respond to her commands.
A Carers Assessment can be done wherever you like, it doesn’t have to be at home. I would always suggest it being away from home if a caree is there. It’s OK to be emotional, but not OK for the caree to know.
You mentioned 6 cats. Are they yours, or mum’s?
Presumably you have to do the housework and most of the cooking?
It doesn’t have to be like that. Having resisted help for years, my mum realised when she was in hospital for months, as I was recovering from major cancer surgery, that it was “crunch time”. If she didn’t accept carers she had to move into residential care. So she accepted carers, something I’d wanted her to do for at least 25 years. My life could have been so different. Having accepted the carers, she enjoyed having more female company in the house, hearing about their children and activities. The carers did all the things mum couldn’t do when using a walking frame, cleaning, vacuuming etc., preparing meals. Sometimes the best way to introduce someone new is to have them there when you are there to start with, so you can explain where everything is. Wouldn’t it be great to come home and not have jobs to do immediately?!
What would happen to mum if you were suddenly taken ill?
Relying solely on one person is very risky when you rely solely on them.
Does mum have a Lifeline pendant so she can call for help if you are not available, if, for example, she tripped and fell?
The cats are don’t have a specific owner we look after them as a family.
My other half and sister are down as my emergency in case I do have an accident or incident.
I do everything, clean, cook, pay the bills, looking after the cats and tryingto keep the house clean and to stop mum having a go at us for “not doing anything.”
No mum doesn’t have a lifeline pendant as she’s never left long enough alone and there’s always someone with her.
If you want things to change, you will need to be persistent.
If mum has under £23,000 in savings it’s likely that she would be able to get Social Services to arrange cleaning for her.
Of course she wants you or your sister to do it, but you do NOT have to do what she wants.
You are not her skivvy!
Assuming someone else will always be around to help her is wrong. She needs a lifeline pendant for her own well being.
Is mum claiming any disability benefits???
Yeah, she gets PIP.
Theres no worry about the savings because mum doesn’t have any
In that case, she would be entitled to a lot of help if she applied. Of course, she stubbornly refuses to do that at the moment. So ask Social Services to do your Carers Assessment face to face, away from home. Make a list.of what you want, or don’t want, then sort it into order of priority.
Ok thank you, I’ll give them a ring in the new year.
Hopefully they’re still doing them as our council is struggling with £££
Im hesitant in ringing the council, is that I’m afraid they’ll take my cats of me, like before, 23 years ago.
Hi everyone, I don’t know what’s wrong with me these past few weeks but Im so overwhelmed with everything that I don’t feel any emotion except worthlessness, loneliness, and the “why do I even bother trying”. People say “do something to take your mind off it”, if only it was that easy.