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hi im Paul im 41. im a live in carer for my ageing mum. shes had two strokes got arthritis thats very bad her movement is 1 out of 10. shes not a well lady. been doing this for almost ten years now. dont have any friends family dosent help i dont have anyone. as for free time well i get to go to asda once a week for food shopping so i have that. apart from that im in the house 24 hours a day. ill be honest im just lonely i want some one to talk to. silly i no but there it is. im on here to find some people who understand and want to chat.

Paul do you have a local Carers Group? If you do they often have meetings and you could meet others in a simialr position.

I do realise it is hard for you to get out, but I have a telephone befriender. Also you can phone the main number and they will listen and sometimes give advice. 10 years is a long time to have been caring and you do need more help as YOU matter too and you deserve some quality of life.

This is a very friendly group and has been a lifeline for me as I have been caring for my much older husband since Jan 2013 officially. It is very isolating and lonely. Have you asked your family to help more? Do they realise how unhappy you are?

I guess others more experienced will come along soon and you may well be entitled to more help and they will hopefully be able to point you in the right direction. I sometimes feel we have to fight for everything as we do get taken for granted by just about everyone including the NHS.

hi helena thanks for the reply, family has no intrest in helping i have a brother that lives 15 mins down the road havent seen him in a long time now. its just me and mum. i live in dagenham essex, getting any help is like finding big foot. lol .sort of got used to it, just lately ive become very lonely, silly really, no can help me with this so i just get on with it. just want someone to talk to you no. thnak u.

im on here to find some people who understand and want to chat.

Hi Paul

Carers UK runs regular online Zoom chats for Carers - “Care for a Cuppa” - information is here:

Carers UK also has a “Listening Support” team - information is here

i dont think i could do that. ners and all that. this is hard for me to except that i need someone to talk to. but i no i do.

i think its been to long now i dont really no how to talk to people anymore. dont really think i should be hear. does everyone get these feelings that there not worth anything cause they dont have any friends. sorry to ask these things.

Paul, of course you should be here, you are doing a brilliant job looking after mum, but 10 years without any help is far too long for any human being to be so alone.

I’m dismayed that you have been left to get on with it, but that has to change now, because you are clearly burned out now, having done too much for too long.

What would you like most of all, for mum to have extra help in the home, or for mum to move into residential care?

Arthritis + strokes + old age means that mum is going to need far more than the average ageing parent, there is no shame in saying “I can’t do this any more”.

How are things financially? Is mum receiving Attendance Allowance?

wow no one has ever said or asked me anything like that before thanks. mum has a whole list of problems, i promised my father on his death bed that would never put her in a home and i promised to always look after her. i never broken a promise in my life. so doesnt matter what i want or how burned out im i will always do this for her. yes we both get help. i get ESA and mum is oap now and she gets that pip thing. im just lonely wanted someone to talk to. ill be honest i think im be a silly old fool trying to make friends at my age and all that. just been so long i dont think i fit it any where any more do you no what i mean.
as for putting mum in a care home there are none were we live and i call them oap death camps. but thats just me.
just lonely i think. lol silly.

Hello again, honestly, you are doing a brilliant job.
Sadly my own mum was so frail, that she spent her final year in a nursing home.
Mum had been in and out of hospital for years, while I’d been having cancer surgery, then two knee replacements after a head on smash nearly killed me. My youngest son has severe learning difficulties as well, so I couldn’t move in with her to help.

Fortunately mum agreed with me that residential care was the only option left, so I found her a lovely place, just down the road from me.

You can still have carers come to the house to help you, so that you can have some time off.
Ask Social Services to do a Needs Assessment for mum, and a Carers Assessment for you.
They will know what is available in your area.

Does mum have a hospital bed to make nursing her easier? Social Services can arrange for you to have an Occupational Therapist visit you, to see if they can help with aids and adaptations.

well i do agree that mum needs more hlep we live in dagenham, getting a nurse or a doctor out is not easy. ive asked for aids and they bought round a frame for her. tried to get help with a down stairs lou try to give her a better life so shes not stuck up stairs and they said no.
its not been easy, ive had a stroke myself, but it wasnt that bad just poor memory and weak left side.
getting any help in dagenham is very hard. thanks for chatting with me. been a while lol

Paul Carers UK “Care for a Cuppa” online chats could be good for you - if you feel able to talk you could just sit and listen to what the others have to say - there is no need to share any more than feel comfortable with. The Listening Support scheme is just a chat with someone (another Carer) on a one to one basis.

and Yes everyone gets those feelings from time to time - it’s the first step to communicating with others that is the hardest, it gets easier each time you do it :slight_smile:

ok thanks very much. ill try it maybe.


Please do try the care for a cuppa etc you are not obliged to join in, just listen for the first few and then baby steps to get your confidence back.

I am not qualified at all but I just wonder if your self esteem has eroded, by joining in with something like this and perhaps the telephone befriender, you will regain some self esteem and your confidence will grow again.

Have you heard about the Man Shed type projects if you are able to get out to join one say once a week with someone from a charity sitter service who can sit with your mum for a few hours a week?

I understand your fathers wishes, but this is about your mothers health, life, wellbeing and her wishes and I am sure that if your father were here now, he might concede that your mother needs to be where she has 24/7 care from the professionals.

He maybe meant don’t place her in a home when she’s able to live independently, not keep her home when she needs the professional care. Think about it, would he want your mum at home like this and muddling through with you and suffering the lack of professional care? No, he wouldn’t. If he is around watching he’s probably willing you to place your mum in residential care.

Your father acted out of best interests for your mother through his love for her and wanting to ensure she would retain her independence after he was gone.

Your mother is beyond that now.

You have honoured your fathers wishes by keeping your mother at home and retaining her independence but now it is beyond your capabilities to give her the care that she needs.

Placing your mum in a home is not going against your fathers wishes now, you have given her many years of independence.

Now you need to do what is right for her needs which your father would approve of.
You still love your mum and care for her and you have provided the professional setting that she needs.