Hello! Another newbie with elderly parents to look after

Hello. Nice to meet you all. I appreciate this forum. Looks like I can get good advice, or tips, for helping my elderly parents.

We do not live together or even near each other (4hrs away) so I will make a more in-depth post asking for advice, elsewhere on this board…

Just saying hello, for now!

Hi Sarah, welcome to the forum.
Do you parents accept any outside help?
How old are they? What are their biggest needs/challenges?

Hi Sarah and welcome.


Hello! Thanks!
My stepdad is 85 and my mum is 75.
They don’t currently have any outside help, but it’s getting to that time for me to step up a lot more. My partner and I live about 4 hours away from them. We were visiting average x1 a month but after the last “holiday” we spent with them at their place (3 nights, 4 days) we noticed some things which weren’t that good (i.e. I had to make two appointments for my mum this time - she was overwhelmed to do it herself - just as one example)
SO I asked my work if I could change my shifts around (I am a night time HCA) but my work said no, not possible. So now, I can only try to ask 2 different night staffers if we can swap shifts. If they say no - I will have to go work in another care home where I can ask for shifts to accomodate being able to visit my parents - guaranteed - x2 a month.

Hello Melly, thanks kindly!

Before you do anything, just pause for a week or two.
Are they claiming Attendance Allowance?
Have they both arranged Power of Attorney?
If not, this needs to be top of the “to do” list. Do not delay!
Do they own or rent their home?
Have over £46,000 in savings?
Are you an only child?
Talk to ACAS about your employment rights regarding your right as you are “disabled by association” and they could be open to a claim for “constructive dismissal”.
Have you considered them moving nearer you?

Hi Sarah and welcome to the Forum.

You might find our flexible working resources useful as you are balancing work, and care.


Hope that helps,


Hi there Sarah88

I just wanted to extend a warm welcome to our forum. I know other members have responded to your thread already but I just wanted to draw your attention to some other activities we are running at the moment you might be interested in. Please find attached a link to our Care for a Cuppa which is a weekly online meetup for carers to get together and chat informally.
Alongside this we are also running a weekly Share and Learn sessions, a series of relaxed online sessions, please have a look at the link and see if one grabs your attention. Share and Learn | Carers UK

with best wishes

Hello again. Thanks for the questions and ideas. To answer about POA: No, not yet. But we will be printing off the forms and informing my parents of their choices when we next see them at the end of January.
They rent their home from the council and definitely do not have over 46k in savings. I think they do get Attendance Allowance. My mum also has been getting Carers Allowance for my stepdad - but it’s at the point now that she needs caring for herself!

I am the only only child of my mum. My stepdad has children but only one of them is in semi-regular contact - and he also has a nephew, who is helpful to him and my mum now and then (which my partner and I appreciate.)

I have offered to pay for my parents to come live 20 mins walk away from our house - in an assisted living facility (NOT a care home!) This would take up basically 95% of my monthly earnings and we would have to survive on my partner’s wages (which we worked out - it would be very tight but doable.)

My mum seemed some-what open to the idea but my stepdad is firmly not. I have tried convincing him/them many times but now have given up. This is why I will most likely be changing my job (because it seems like although they are trying, they really can’t promise me my request for rota change.) So my partner (who can work remotely, every now and then) and I can at least visit my parents x2 a month - starting in January hopefully but possibly might have to be Feb…

I’m going to bed in a minute in preparation of my night shift - but tomorrow morning I will make an indepth post about my situation and hopefully can get some advice/insight. Sorry to be so wordy - but hank you for asking :slight_smile:

Thank you Aaron. I have formally requested a change of rota from my workplace. They have been honest and said they will really try and help me but can’t promise exactly what I wanted. I’ve told them, in a respectful way (I hope) that I need the changes I asked for, so I will be asking fellow colleagues to help me out but if they can’t (and I am not expecting them to, either way, just hopeful) then again - respectfully - I will be looking for another job asap. But thank you for the info, I will read it before going to work in another care home - to know what I can ask or rather how to ask it.

Hi Ingrid. Thanks very much for the links. I work night shifts in a private care home and X-Mas time and New Years I work extra but foir sure, when I have time, I will check them out. Thanks!

If they don’t own their house or have over £46,000 in savings then they are entitled to support from Social Services, who would pay some or all of their care needs.

Do NOT give them all your money, that’s a recipe for disaster because what would happen to them if you could not keep up the payments?! OK, so you are fit and well now, my husband and I thought we were when we were 50. By the time I was 54 I’d had major surgery for cancer, and at 58 my husband died in his sleep from a massive heart attack.
What would happen if your husband was ill too?

Whatever happens to your parents must be funded by them alone. Given their limited savings, check to see if they get Housing Benefit now.

The next step is for them both to have a Needs Assessment from the council. If they both got Attendance Allowance then they could have lots of support in their own home.

Hi, agree with your thought on payments. This is the same situation I had with my own parents. So this is why I came to this forum, to learn fixing it.

Ragbir, would you like to explain a bit more about your parents current situation, and how you would like them to change?