Getting help with personal hygiene

My stepfather who lives with me had a catheter fitted last Wednesday. As his carer, I’m dealing with emptying the bags etc, but I’d like to know who I contact to ask for help getting him a shower and making sure the catheter itself is cleaned and working effectively.
He is in a great deal of discomfort and confusion (vascular dementia and Hydrocephalus) and becoming verbally aggressive with me. I don’t want to take on this task because I don’t actually know what I’m doing and am reluctant to add more stress to our already strained relationship.
I’m also carer for my mum who has Vascular Dementia and Alzheimer’s so I feel that asking for help now will probably save my own sanity. Can anyone point me in the right direction?

1 Like

Hi Tracey,

it sounds like you have your hands full!! Caring for one person with demential is tough but two…

You need to contact social services and request a Needs Assessment for your Stepfather (though I think you would be wise having one for your Mum as well.)

There is information here:

You can also request a Carers Assessment for yourself and you can read about that here:


Thanks Melly1
I’ve just got a social worker and we have done an assessment but this has obviously now changed. I wasn’t sure who to ask for help, but I’ve now put a call out to the social worker.
Thanks for your help


Hi Tracey, that’s good that you have an allocated social worker. Definitely let them know how and why your Stepdad’s needs have increased and that he needs daily support with personal care that you cannot provide.


Tell the social worker everything. Best of luck.

Tracey, is it time for both your parents to move into residential care, together?
You sound stressed and tired. It’s OK to say “I can’t do this any more”.
You cannot be forced to care, you have every right to say they need a team of carers 24/7, not ne exhausted daughter.
I know it’s a difficult decision to make. If you want to talk through the pros and cons here, we might be able to help you decide, one way or the other. Are they both getting Attendance Allowance? Both claiming exemption from Council Tax?

1 Like

We’re not at that stage yet. My sister and brother in law take them every Wednesday so I do get a break and have agreed to have them for a few days at a time so my family and I can get to do normal family things. I take them to 4 different Dementia groups during the week, so I get to be with other carers who provide invaluable support. When I can no longer do that, that will probably be the time to call it quits.
Yes, we have just got Attendance Allowance for both of them, but we’re not entitled to council tax relief.
Thanks for taking the time to message me - we’re all unsung heroes in our own way xx

1 Like

They are both exempt on the grounds of “severe mental impairment”. You are a full time carer for them. Are you over pension age? Is your husband working?


Yes, hubby works and no I’m not at retirement age yet.
As an update, I’ve found a company called Helping Hands and they are coming tomorrow to give him a shower. Up at 4.00 a.m. this morning though as mum fell in their bedroom (thankfully no harm done) and managed to pull out the tubing for the night time catheter and giving dad’s bits a nasty shock! Bed soaked!
Having to rethink bedroom arrangements!

In that case, are you claiming Carers Allowance? Have you had a Carers Assessment from Social Services?

Hi, not entitled to Carers Allowance.