Good Morning. Think the title might be a bit dramatic but really I’m looking for advise. I’ve not been around for a while but hope everyone is coping well. Will put a bit of background information below and what is happening now.
I’m 48 and my husband is 50. We have 3 adult children and 4 grandchildren. I’m a carer for my 77 year old Mum who has stage 3 heart failure. My husband is a carer for his 99 year old Grandad, who lives in London and we are in Cardiff. My Mum isn’t too bad right now, she cannot walk far without getting breathless but she can look after herself but I prepare her meals and do her cleaning, shopping etc, take her to her sisters, and do not get stressed over looking after her at all, we get on well, she will always take on board what I’m suggesting for her care etc to make life easier for her.
Now my husbands Grandad is a different kettle of fish altogether. He is 99 (100 in June) he lost both his sons in 2022 so my husband is now his next of kin and sole carer (husbands brother will not help with his care). Grandad still lives in his 4 bedroom house, does not use a cooker for his food only the microwave which he uses to cook everything including frozen items like sausages, fish fingers. He also has not used his shower for at least 5 years and only has a sink wash.
He has recently started to lose weight but insists he eats. It took 2 years and a call to adult social services from myself to get him to have an emergency bracelet which he has had for 5 weeks but has not worn once, we know this as they call centre call my husband daily to inform us he is not wearing his bracelet.
We have noticed that he is getting more confused and also he is lying to nurses etc saying he showers and uses his foot cream which the nurse pulled us aside and said his legs are so bad now he is at risk of ulcers. He cannot walk much at all but tells the doctor his legs are fine.
Last Sunday he went to church the first time in 2 months and then Tuesday we had a call from his social worker saying a lady from the church had called them as she’s concerned with how dirty he was and shocked at the fact he still lives alone. The social worker visited Grandad and told him this and she suggested carers and he said no my grandson and his wife will give up work and look after me it doesn’t matter how far they have to come!!! And he also said he can cook a meal using the cooker and oven. He is constantly lying which is making it worse for himself in my opinion as he needs care from outside as we can only visit every 2 weeks due to work. He has a lady who does his shopping once a week. He wears the same clothes daily and they are dirty, and if you mention anything to him he gets angry. Worse thing is he’s got a lot of money but chooses to live very poorly and alone.
Hopefully someone else will come along with better advice but here are my thoughts. I had a similar situation with my late father…
If he has a Social Worker, then I would write to her and to his GP stressing that they have a ‘duty of care’ towards him and stating that you and your husband will NOT be providing any extra care and you and your husband will NOT be giving up work. I guess it all comes down to if he is deemed as having ‘mental capacity’? If he does have this, and I understand it is fluid, then he has the right not to have Carers. I would also keep notes about your concerns with regard to his cooking habits as it does sound as if he becoming a danger to himself. It is interesting that someone at Church was worried enough to intervene.
Sadly, it seems that a crisis has to happen, before he will get or accept help.
I am sorry that you are going through this. It sounds hard to say ‘disengage’ . But when my father wanted to come out of hospital he told the nurses that his daughter lived over the road and WANTED to look after him. At the time my husband who is the same age as my father had been discharged from hospital and NO WAY was I going to sleepwalk into trying to care for two old men who hated each other.
Hopefully others will have ideas but it is a horrible situation when it comes to an elderly person having the means to get paid help, but refusing it.
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This is now a matter for the GP and Social Services to sort out. First, there needs to be a Mental Capacity Assessment and if he is deemed to lack capacity, a Best Interests meeting. If the house is in a terrible state, then under some circumstances action can be taken. You have to say now that you CANNOT help any more.
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Hey Tracy1012,welcome to the forum. As @bowlingbun said it is up to someone to do a mental capacity test. If he is bad as you are saying and health professionals have seen him and a social worker why have they not done anything? I am surprised that they can’t tell he is lieing to them. Only thing you can do is either get a live in carer or a care home, as you got enough on your plate with your mum who needs to see a doctor about the breathing issues as it could be a number of things. Driving from Cardiff to London takes about 3hours maybe longer depending on how you get up there. Your husband has got to be firm with him and sort out something before it too late otherwise he could be taken advantage of con artist if he not got someone looking after.
Take care
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As he is clearly a vulnerable adult, with plenty of money, please alert his bank, to make sure he’s not being taken advantage of. Banks are getting very wary about customers not being taken advantage of. I was on the phone for ages yesterday just trying to arrange a transfer of £66 for a special sewing machine I’d found on facebook. The person I was speaking to was so annoying repeating endlessly about their need to check the transaction was genuine, I wasn’t being pressured etc. etc. all for just £66!!!
I agree with what others have said. It’s up to SS now and they could deem him as lacking capacity and basically he can be sectioned and taken in a ambulance and then into a care home. It sounds like he really can’t look after himself. And you can’t do this. I would speak firmly to the social worker and say no you won’t be giving up work and you feel he needs to be in a care home and they need to assess him urgently
It drives me crazy that the statutory services will NOT take the lead on this and leave it up to relatives to feel like the bad guys!
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@mscoachbeth You are so right. I remember feeling so guilty having to threaten the GP Surgery with a solicitors letter to get them to take action with regard to my late father. But his neighbour was calling me constantly saying how worried he was, and he was not eating or getting out of bed. We had not got a dementia diagnosis at the time, but the death certificate listed it as number 3 on the death certificate…So I do feel for you @Tracey1012