Please bear with me bit of a long one. I’m 48 and my husband is 51. We are both carer, myself for my 77 year old Mum who has stage 3 heart failure and bad arthritis, and my husband cares for his 100 year old Grandad. We share the caring for both between us.
We are both extremely tired as Grandad lives in London which is a 300 mile round trip 3/4 times a month. He has fallen a few times but won’t have any help, is housebound and we are his only family, both his sons passed in 2022 and he’s never got on with his daughter in laws so doesn’t see them. We have got adult social services involved a few times, he had an alarm for his wrist but won’t wear it. He has no one there if he falls, he is nearly blind and very deaf. A lady does his shopping once a week but he can only use the microwave. He spends everyday sat in his chair. When we go up we do anymore shopping he needs then feed him, do housework then he basically tells us to go home. Some one from his church told adult social services a few months ago that he shouldn’t be living on his own, they told Grandad there had been a report and grandad was furious and told Adult social services never to come there again. It’s so frustrating. He seems to only think of his feelings and not ours. My husbands brother has no job (redundant) and no children and won’t help but is straight there once money is involved and takes over (grandad is very rich).
My mum is a pleasure to look after but I’ve not long had a stroke due to a hole in heart and she still thinks I can do everything as before but my fatigue is so bad that sometimes I have to ask my daughter to do things instead of me and my mum accuses me of not wanting to do anything for her anymore.
Ive now found a breast lump and just feel the world has it in for me. Right now I feel like giving up, I feel like I’m losing my life. Me and my husband have been married 25 years this year and never once have we had a holiday together. I’m missing out on my grandchildren. I know I sound selfish and I’m sorry I know people have it worse.
Welcome @Taffy, Believe me, with all you’ve got going on, the last thing you sound is selfish…!
Caring for two people (and one at a huge distance) when not in the best of health yourself is an enormous undertaking. Please do not feel guilty in any way. It sounds as though you and your husband are both doing all you absolutely can under very difficult circumstances. The stress alone from what you are doing is bound to be taking it’s toll on your health. Maybe time for some tough love and step back a bit. Grandad will have to accept outside help if he wants to remain in his own home, whether that be from adult social services or your brother in law. The more you do, the more they will let you do.
With regards to your Mum, would it be possible to have a conversation with her to try and explain why you aren’t able to do as much for her as you used to? If she has previously been a pleasure to care for, it’s possible she doesn’t realise the extent of the health problems you are now facing, and may be more sympathetic if she did.
Please do see about getting needs assessments and carers assessments if you haven’t already done so. It sounds very much like you and your husband could do with the help and support. It is out there, but you have to go looking and sometimes fight for it. Social services only provide support when backed into a corner, they will never offer and like with Grandad and brother in law, the more you and your husband appear to be coping, the more they will let you.
I wish you all the best in getting the support you clearly need.
Taffy, I hear you and I feel for you. I care for my 72 year old husband who has multiple health issues as well as depression and OCD. I also travel to care for my 90 year old mum. I worry about my husband when I go to look after mum and my mum when I am at home with my husband. You sound kind, caring and exhausted. Your own health is suffering and that has to be your priority because if you get sick then you can’t help your mum or your grandad-in-law. I have no suggestions to ease things except to say you are in my prayers and I totally resonate with how you are feeling. I hope that you find support and rest and healing. Take care. God bless you Taffy.
@Taffy…welcome to the forum. You don’t sound selfish, quite the opposite. I agree with what @EEG has said and can’t really add anymore other than to say we are all here for you anytime you need some support.
Your grandad sounds just like my uncle (he’s 74) and he can’t or won’t do anything for himself! I have to do it all (well I used to until I got carer in) He used to come to town and to my workplace with me but in the last 2 months he’s staying at home on his own, sat in his chair (much like your grandad). It’s been a tough few months. My auntie (his wife) passed Away suddenly in April and I’ve been his carer ever since. I told feel like I’m losing my life too- can’t go anywhere, can’t go on holiday. He too has no other family other than me.
I really feel for you I understand what you are going through. It’s bad enough having to look after one person never mind two! It might be a good idea to do what i did and ask for a Carers assessment for yourself. Contact your local council. They can put things in place to help you.