Advice please dementia residential care

[Ian_1909123]

I WILL TRY AND CIT A LONG STORY SHORT I HAVE LOOKED AFTER !MY MUM FOR 30 YEARS SHE LIVED WITH US FOR 10 SHE IS 85 HAS ADVANCED PART PART ALTZIMERS AND DEMENTIA OSTEOARTHRITIS ALL OVER SHE IS COMPLETELY RELIANT ON ME AND MY HUSBAND BUT I HAVE HAD A BAD ILLNESS AND STROKE CARERS COME IN TO WASH AND DRESS HER BUT WE ALSO HAVE A SPECIAL NEEDS SON WHO DEMANDS ALOT OF ATTENTION AND WE ARE STRETCHED TO OUR LIMIT WITH NO OTHER FAMILY HELP AND NOW SHE IS UP ALL NIGHT
MUM WENT INTO RESPITE LAST WEEK I HAVE BEEN TOLD TO STAY AWAY AND LET HER ADJUST AS I AM HER TRIGGER TO BE UPSET AND WANT TO COME HOME
IT HAS BEEN DECIDED THAT HER RESPITE SHOULD BE MADE RESIDENTIAL ON TUES I HAVE A MEETING WITH SOCIAL SERVICES AT THE HOME WERE MY MUM IS TO BASICALLY ( THESE ARE THE SOCIAL WORKERS WORDS ) INFORM HER THAT SHE CAN NO LONGER LIVE WITH US AND HAS TO NOW STAY IN A HOME
IM DREADING THIS I DONT KNOW HOW TO APPROACH IT I M GETTING ILL WITH WORRY MY ONLY SUPPORT IS MY ROCK OF A HUSBAND. BUT THIS IS SOMETHING I HAVE TO DO AND IT WILL UPSET HER SO MICH HOW DO YOU TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THAT YOU CANT LOOK AFTER THEM ANYMORE AND THEY CANT LIVE WITH YOU ??
IM LOST AND JUST DONT KNOW HOW IM GOING TO DO IT
I KNOW IM NOT THE FIRST IN THIS SITUATION AND SADLY WONT BE THE LAST ANYONE WITH EXPERIENCE OR ADVICE I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT
MANY THANKS FOR YOUR TIME

[Trisha_1909]

MORNING ALL HOW ARE WE ALL DOING MOST OF US WILL BE CAREER FOR OUR LOVED ONES JUST NOW WELL MY MUM IN HOSPTAIL AGAIN FOR THE 4TH TIME IN 3 MONTHS ITS LIKE EVERY 2 WEEKS SHE SICK IVE BEEN TOLD DUE TO HER KIDNEY FAILURE THAT THIS WILL HAPPEN BUT THERE MUST BE SOMETHING THAT CAN BE DONE SHE GETS PALATIVE CARE ALSO I KNOW MY MUM GOING GET HER WINGS SOON SHE FOUND OUT SHE GKING BE A GREAT NANA BUT SHE PROBABLY WOUNT BE HERE TO SEE THE BABY WHEN ITS BORN THATS SAD TO SAY BUT IT TRUE THOUGH AND THIS CAREERSUK HAS HELPED ME ALOT SINCE IVE JOINED UP THANK YOU ALL

[Chris_From_The_Gulag]

Alzheimer’s Society on dementia residential care … full sp :

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/help-dementia-care/care-homes-who-decides-when

__

Care homes : When is the right time and who decides ?

Advice and practical tips for carers on when is the right time for a person to be moved to a care home.

Dementia UK … same theme :

Considering a care home for a person with dementia - Dementia UK

CHC / NHS Continuing healthcare … a factor here ?
https://www.carersuk.org/forum/support-and-advice/all-about-caring/chc-coughlan-grogan-judgements-nhs-contuing-healthcare-nhs-fnc-hospital-discharges-all-under-this-one-thread-35998

[Melly1]

Hi Ian,
If your Mum has advanced Alzheimer’s and dementia, it’s unlikely she will recall the conversation a short while later. She will probably ask each visit when she is going home, use what Pet66 calls kind lies and say something like, “Soon, Mum,” and change the topic or “later,” or “when the doctor says,” etc and then distract her.

Have a look at Pet66’s thread re her hubby needing to go into a nursing home https://www.carersuk.org/forum/support-and-advice/new-to-the-forum/new-to-dementia-journey-25407?hilit=Pet66 It’s the same with your Mum, she needs fulltime care now.

Personally, I wouldn’t make a big deal of telling her she needs residential care now and I would just tell she is going to stay a few more days etc … However, if this social worker is insisting you tell her, before she can be funded for a permanent place, then I would say something like, “Mum you know I love you very much, well you need fulltime care now, but we’ll all be popping in to see you very soon.” Some Carer’s on here have often timed their visits before a meal/ snack is due then it’s easier to just slip away whilst their relative is occupied.

Another piece of advice on here, from those who have had to cope wth a relative with dementia and placing them in a home, is don’t feel guilty, feel sad. It’s sad they have this horrid condition and sad they need fulltime care. Remember you are doing it BECAUSE you love your Mum and want her to have the care she NEEDS.

Melly1

[Pet66]

Hi Ian
I feel your pain.
You do not have to tell your mum that you are not able to care anymore. You will still be caring, but in a different way. Overseeing her care, making sure her needs are being met. Difficult as it is, you learn how to answer the questions, ie, can I come with you, when are you coming back etc. My husband actually forgot our home, so I did learn that going home meant something different.
You both need time to adjust, so a break from visiting is a must. Trust me on that, even if it’s only one day a week to start with. Remember, non of this is your fault, ( no one’s fault) and you now will be doing your best to help your mum. Her needs out weigh any wants, and it’s extremely sad.
Ask any thing you want to, the forum is a comfort and a help. Do not let the social worker tell you what to say, you know best. I forbade staff telling hubby the nursing home was his home. He thought it was a hotel sometimes, or a hospital, all sorts. As long as they have hope, even though the hope is not possible.

[Albert_1604]

Hi Ian,
If your Mum has advanced Alzheimer’s and dementia, it’s unlikely she will recall the conversation a short while later. She will probably ask each visit when she is going home, use what Pet66 calls kind lies and say something like, “Soon, Mum,” and change the topic or “later,” or “when the doctor says,” etc and then distract her.

Melly1

Memory gets to minutes or less with dementia. You can recall it all
but not the caree so don 't worry about remembering.

[Anne001]

Welcome to the Forum, Ian. A dreadful time for you and your family.

In my case, I described it to my mum as a “convalescent home” until she felt better. Many people with dementia say they want to go “home” but they are referring to their childhood home. I too hated the idea but sometimes our loved ones need more care than we are physically and mentally able to give.

Please remember that you will still be caring for mum but just in a different location. People who have regular breaks and holidays will do the day-to-day care but leave you free to love her like a son, rather than her permanent carer.

Wishing you well and strength for the coming days. As you and mum get used to a new routine, life will get better. just hang on in there

Anne

[MrsAverage]

My Mum (with dementia) keeps asking when she’s going home, but it turns out she doesn’t know where home is, sometimes it’s her childhood home. Now we just say “when you are well enough” or “when you are better” and she seems to accept this as she knows something is wrong.
It is sad their NEEDS mean they need more care and attention than we can give them at home, no matter how much we’d want to. NEEDs have to take precedence over wants and wishes.

[Ian_1909123]

Hi Ian,
If your Mum has advanced Alzheimer’s and dementia, it’s unlikely she will recall the conversation a short while later. She will probably ask each visit when she is going home, use what Pet66 calls kind lies and say something like, “Soon, Mum,” and change the topic or “later,” or “when the doctor says,” etc and then distract her.

Have a look at Pet66’s thread re her hubby needing to go into a nursing home https://www.carersuk.org/forum/support-and-advice/new-to-the-forum/new-to-dementia-journey-25407?hilit=Pet66 It’s the same with your Mum, she needs fulltime care now.

Personally, I wouldn’t make a big deal of telling her she needs residential care now and I would just tell she is going to stay a few more days etc … However, if this social worker is insisting you tell her, before she can be funded for a permanent place, then I would say something like, “Mum you know I love you very much, well you need fulltime care now, but we’ll all be popping in to see you very soon.” Some Carer’s on here have often timed their visits before a meal/ snack is due then it’s easier to just slip away whilst their relative is occupied.

Another piece of advice on here, from those who have had to cope wth a relative with dementia and placing them in a home, is don’t feel guilty, feel sad. It’s sad they have this horrid condition and sad they need fulltime care. Remember you are doing it BECAUSE you love your Mum and want her to have the care she NEEDS.

Melly1

Thank you so much all the posts I have read have opened my mind to different ways of dealing with this as nothing was registering with me at the moment so thank you very much for that

[Ian_1909123]

My Mum (with dementia) keeps asking when she’s going home, but it turns out she doesn’t know where home is, sometimes it’s her childhood home. Now we just say “when you are well enough” or “when you are better” and she seems to accept this as she knows something is wrong.
It is sad their NEEDS mean they need more care and attention than we can give them at home, no matter how much we’d want to. NEEDs have to take precedence over wants and wishes.

Thank you so much all the posts I have read have opened my mind to different ways of dealing with this as nothing was registering with me at the moment so thank you very much for that

[Ian_1909123]

My Mum (with dementia) keeps asking when she’s going home, but it turns out she doesn’t know where home is, sometimes it’s her childhood home. Now we just say “when you are well enough” or “when you are better” and she seems to accept this as she knows something is wrong.
It is sad their NEEDS mean they need more care and attention than we can give them at home, no matter how much we’d want to. NEEDs have to take precedence over wants and wishes.

Thank you so much all the posts I have read have opened my mind to different ways of dealing with this as nothing was registering with me at the moment so thank you very much for that

[Ian_1909123]

Hi Ian,
If your Mum has advanced Alzheimer’s and dementia, it’s unlikely she will recall the conversation a short while later. She will probably ask each visit when she is going home, use what Pet66 calls kind lies and say something like, “Soon, Mum,” and change the topic or “later,” or “when the doctor says,” etc and then distract her.

Have a look at Pet66’s thread re her hubby needing to go into a nursing home https://www.carersuk.org/forum/support-and-advice/new-to-the-forum/new-to-dementia-journey-25407?hilit=Pet66 It’s the same with your Mum, she needs fulltime care now.

Personally, I wouldn’t make a big deal of telling her she needs residential care now and I would just tell she is going to stay a few more days etc … However, if this social worker is insisting you tell her, before she can be funded for a permanent place, then I would say something like, “Mum you know I love you very much, well you need fulltime care now, but we’ll all be popping in to see you very soon.” Some Carer’s on here have often timed their visits before a meal/ snack is due then it’s easier to just slip away whilst their relative is occupied.

Another piece of advice on here, from those who have had to cope wth a relative with dementia and placing them in a home, is don’t feel guilty, feel sad. It’s sad they have this horrid condition and sad they need fulltime care. Remember you are doing it BECAUSE you love your Mum and want her to have the care she NEEDS.

Melly1

Thank you so much all the posts I have read have opened my mind to different ways of dealing with this as nothing was registering with me at the moment so thank you very much for that
It’s very hard to also care for someone else at the same time you cannot split yourself and you never feel like you are doing enough for one person that helps me focus that my son needs me he has downsyndrome epilepsy and autism ec he is 28 and the constant guilt of not doing enough can be overwhelming
I’m glad I joined as it builds confidence to read people’s experiences help advice and other stories thank you

[Ian_1909123]

Thank you for replies it has helped me view this situation in a different perspective and opened my mind to different ways of approaching the situation and as I said it builds confidence. Reading others experiences and getting advice and help from people kind enough to respond thank you.