So I’ve been a young carer since the age of 12 - I never actually realised this until someone pointed it out to me, it was just my ‘normal’. I’m now in my mid 20s. I’m a carer for my mum. She is classed as fully blind (progressively gotten worse over the years). It’s only recently that I’ve started to feel the pressure of caring for her, and I feel as if I don’t have my own life. She can do some things independently but I’m finding that she’s asking for help when she doesn’t actually need it (as she has done these certain things in the past when I have been out). If I mention this to her, she shouts and gets angry. I have other family members, but no one who would take the responsibility. Everyone has just expected that this would be my job. I work full time. I also feel guilt and shame for feeling this way as I love my mum and I’d hate her to think that she was a burden to me. I’m just starting to feel like I can’t cope anymore and I don’t know what to do.
My disabled mum “saved” jobs for me, even when I was newly widowed, newly disabled, with a brain damaged son and my only source of income was selling my husbands stock of vintage lorry spares, so I really understand your situation. You have an absolute right to live your own life without any caring. I would suggest you start by asking Social Services for a Carers Assessment. Make a list of all the things you are doing currently - the more you do the more you are expected to do, unfortunately. Then put it in order of things you don’t want to do any more. Do not end up as the family’s Sacrificial Lamb. Promise yourself that this time next year things will be different. If possible, record mum shouting at you on your mobile phone. As soon as she starts, go into your room or out for a walk, and tell her that she should be happy with what you can do for her, not cross about what you can’t. We will all support you here.
Welcome to the forum.
It must be hard after a full day at work being asked to do things for your Mum that you know she can do for herself.
Do you live with her?
Can she go out by herself?
@Melly1 Yes, I live with her. No, she cannot go out on her own. We were talking about getting a guide dog, but she doesn’t think she will use it enough. I was hoping that the guide dog would give her some independence but also give me some freedom
@bowlingbun Thank you so much. I love my mum, I really do but sometimes it feels so isolating. Whenever I try to say that I’m going out, she wants a reason why and she always needs to know where I’m going - it feels like I’m trapped. I know that she definitely doesn’t want anyone else caring for her - which I also understand. I just don’t seem to have much of a life outside of work
@caringcarer989 if you haven’t already, it might be worth contacting the RNIB and/or Sense to see what support they can offer. As she is coping with deteriorating sight - she needs support on how to cope with that.
She could also have a Needs assessment so that she has a paid support worker to accompany her on outings.
Currently you are her world - no wonder she is getting more clingy and you are feeling overwhelmed.
You do NOT have to tell her where you are going! On the verge of a breakdown counselling was arranged for me and we worked through a number of things. My mum wanted me to do all sorts of things and refused outside help until I had major cancer surgery and she was ill. Faced with residential care or carers at home, she chose carers. She WANTED me, but she didn’t NEED me, she needed someone to do various jobs but it didn’t have to be me! Does mum have a pendant alarm?
@bowlingbun she doesn’t have an alarm because she is abled bodied. I think because we are so close, that she wants to know my whole life.
@Melly1 it’s been across 20 years that her slight has been deteriorating and she has received some form of counselling for it. She’s has been in contact with RNIB and has done touch typing. I know that she won’t allow a carer or a support worker as she’s stubborn and doesn’t like getting help. It’s like she’s embarrassed to need help - which I get
Over the next week, make a list of what you have done and the time it took. Mum might be able to do things but she is DISabled by her sight loss. Without this she would not need help.
@caringcarer989 unless you intend to live with & provide all the support for your Mum until the end of her life - she will need support from others or to become more self sufficient.
A sighted guide/ travel training/ assessment for aids are all options to enable her to be more independent and ensure her whole life doesn’t rely and resolve around you.