I'm new here...

Hello everyone,

I’m new here. I care for my mum who has various conditions… sero-negative arthritis in her back and hips, polyarthritis in all her joints, a disc herniation that’s pressing on her sciatic nerve, no reflexes on her left side so her balance is terrible and she falls over a lot, depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, diabetes… I think that’s everything… she takes about 45 tablets a day, one is a morphine based painkiller. Shes suffered with the arthritis since she was 19. Theres nothing the doctor can do for it.

I dont mind helping her with stiff round the house and that, but often I feel like I’m doing everything and she and my sister do nothing. I know she cant do much but she can do things like make a cup of tea or turn the heating and lighting off on our reptiles, and she used to… but now shes stopped. Shes in bed from about 1.30 to 6pm every day, and when she gets up, I feel like she expects me to make her tea, then do the shutdown (sort our various animals) as well as sorting myself out as I’m currently back at college (I’m 22 but doing an apprenticeship). I’m up 5.20 every weekday and she does the same thing that she does with the tea in the evening in the morning when she gets up at 6 with coffee. I feel like I’m just expected to everything, not just tea and coffee, but everything. The washing, going to the shop, sorting the animals, tidying up the house, emptying the bins, putting the rubbish out etc. And it gets too much at times. I dont really have any friends I can talk to, I dont really get out much, and cant seem to find anyone who understands, or that I can just rant to. I only have the weekend to chill and one of those days is for cleaning the animals. I normally have saturday as my chill day but I dont really get to chill because I’m having to help mum with her few jobs and doing the things I feel like she cant be bothered to… to some this might sound really pathetic, and it probably is, but I’m really struggling to go to college full time and do everything at home and actually have any time for myself. I’m not sleeping properly so I’m always tired. I keep drinking energy drinks in the morning because I’m so tired. I just feel so drained and exhausted and I need to find someone to chat to and rant to before my head explodes…

Hello and welcome!

How old is your mom? Can she manage to do things alone or not? I think it is time to request a needs assessment for her to see about getting in paid for carers for her now as well. The council should also do a financial assessment too at the same time to determine how you will pay for her care.

Call your local council on Monday to start the process. The only other option is a good care home. Try telling her that. Watch her reaction carefully. This is really quite unfair on you bluntly speaking here. Why suffer anymore? You seriously need to take a proper break from caring for her. Otherwise you will deeply resent it.

You are not her maid/slave. Make her help herself from now on. Something is going to have to be different.

She is 49, 50 next may.

She can and does do things alone. She manages without me when I’m at college to do her few jobs she does like washing up, loading the dishwasher, and feeding the animals their salad in the morning. Once shes done this, she makes her lunch, sits for a bit after and goes upstairs. Comes down again about 6pm and goes back up about 7, so I end up having to do the shutdown… she used to help me with it all… it just seems that she becomes lazy or something when I’m at home but she will put it down to being in pain so then I feel like I have to help her because I dont know if shes just being lazy or is genuinely in pain, and I dont want her to aggravate the pain anymore than it already is.

Shes had an assessment, she gets 1 hour of care a week, which is to do some light housework. She gets PIP as well, the middle rate I think as she is still mobile. We are looking to get her reassessed in the new year but, after working in a caring environment and learning about the processes etc, i dont think we will get any more help than the hour.

She wont go in a home, I know that for sure. It took her ages to accept aids in the house, or to use a wheelchair or mobility scooter. She now has the aids which she uses but refuses to use the chair or scooter unless she absolutely has to. She will happily push herself to do things when I’m not around but when im home, she does so much less. I just dont know what to do. If I ask her to do things, she gets huffy with me which then makes me feel bad for asking in the first place. I’m at a loss. I suffer with depression too so I get stressed and then end up down because I feel like I’m doing everything.

Find ways to leave. Say “I need to go shopping or to see a friend” whilst the carers are here. Or go out to the library, etc alone without her. Ask the carers to support you in this as you are at your wits end here.

The carer literally comes for an hour on a wednesday so I’m normally at college. That’s a good idea though for half terms…

I just dont understand why suddenly shes stopped everything she used to help with… bearing in mind that she was helping with it all in the summer… it seems to have all started when autumn started and I started college…

While you do things for her - your mum will happily sit back and let you do everything!
Good idea from thara - go out as much as you can. Do your studying at college or in your local library.
Do things that you enjoy doing - swimming, dancing, hanging out with friends, eating out etc.
This way she’ll appreciate you more and she’ll have to do more housework herself.

Can you afford more carers or not?

I gently insist my cared for person (my little brother) helps me do his chores. What about giving the current carer a short list of chores which she has to do? Every week type up a short list and print out for the carer only. Or email the carer.