Escaping: Trying to be my own family

Hi everyone,

I’m 25 and a new mum. I’ve been a carer since I was old enough to remember, my mum was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis when I was 18 months old. I was given this duty to be a carer without ever asking to be. I have no memories of my mum playing with me or doing anything together. She expects the world of me and we have no relationship. She expects pity and has let her disease become her, she knows nothing else.

I have always had to look after her alongside my dad and it’s meant i now resent her for not bothering with me and expecting her child to be her mother in a sense. As a teenager she would have her operations in the summer so in the 6 weeks holidays I could be the one cleaning, cooking, emptying her commode etc, getting her dressed, , making her do physio. My Nan (her mum) never took responsibility for her child, but expected a child to fulfil that role. She would tell me to make sure I look after my mum, it was only as I grew older I realised how manipulative it was.

I’m now 25, still living at home as my partner and I save for a house. I’ve been expected to fulfil my caring role whilst also looking after my own baby. I resent her more than ever, I would even go so far as to say despise. We still have no relationship and never will, I wouldn’t want one even if I was ever offered it. I received a letter today from my Nan with some money for my child. After 3 lines of writing about him she switched to saying how hard my mums life is, how much pain she’s in and how I will look after her.

I am absolute d - o - n - e. My mother is not my responsibility, she never should have been. I have my own family and still can’t escape this hell. I am livid beyond words and am sick to death of this life. No one speaks about the trauma of being a young carer, being forced to grow up too young to care for someone you didn’t ask for. Not having memories with that person, just caring and attending numerous hospital appointments. When everyone at school asks how you spent your summer and you have to lie and say you too went on holiday and had so much fun with your family.

I myself have endometriosis and I will NEVER allow my child to care for me. I am his mother and we will have the relationship I never had. I will give every ounce of my being to not let him share this pain and suffering.

Why are we manipulated to the point of feeling like a cruel person for saying no? For putting ourselves first?

Hi & welcome

Congratulations on the birth of your son!

I am so sorry you were not supported when younger. Luckily, these days most young carers are identified and supported. They are usually identified my schools or family referrals. Did your school never intervene to support you or did Mum reject any help.

There seems to be unfinished business for you on how you were treated. Have you ever considered counselling.

You have done enough and there is plenty of support that your Mum can access. Has there been a needs assessment done.
You could also have a carers assessment.
If you wanted one your Mum could still refuse but you can still have one. Personally, I would make your Mum’s a priority and this would tell her and your Nan you mean business.
You have your own family now and Mum and Nan need to realise you will eventually move into you own home.

You are not a cruel person

. 100% start putting yourself first.
How old is Mum?

Welcome to the forum.

It’s time you and your partner went away for a week’s holiday. Have a look at “Last Minute Cottages” and choose somewhere to go for a week, and formulate an escape plan.
I would strongly recommend getting out immediately, clearly your status in the family is that of slave, unloved, unappreciated. On the other hand you have a beautiful child who deserves happy parents.

If you go away, then finally your parents might realise how much you have been doing. If they need help, either they pay for it, or ask Social Services to arrange it. That is up to them. For too long you have been parenting your parents.
Expect tears, tantrums, but accept that nothing is going to change unless you do something.

Congratulations on being a new mum. I am also in the same situation. I have a baby and I’m caring for both parents. My fiance (the father of my baby) doesn’t live with me and I only see him now once a week. My relationship has suffered because I have stupidly undertaken a caring role for my parents that I really don’t want. I have two other siblings who do nothing to help our parents. One calls me to give me “emotional support” which I don’t need.

I don’t get how any loving parent could guilt a child into caring for them? Like you, I will never allow my child to care for me. I wish you strength and courage. I hope you are able to move out and enjoy every moment of being a new mum.

You have to understand that your family are being cruel to you, they are the ones who should feel guilty, not you. While you are helping, they don’t have to do anything.
I’m not sure when I started being a carer. Looking back, it was probably when my brother was born, and I was eight.
You have to stop parents being so dependent on you, or you will be more and more trapped until they die.