My caring situation - doing it all alone

All about caring Young adult carers
1

Hello everyone,

I posted most about my caring situation in “new to the forums” section and I’ve decided to extend it here and tell my story and any new developments.
So a brief history (probably will be not so brief but I’ll try my best)
I am a carer for my mum and have been her carer for a decade from age 20 to now 31 who has degenerative spine disks, spinal stenosises, sciatica, osteoarthritis, and a had a massive heart attack half way through that decade back in 2015 when I was 24.
Mum was always a great mother, was always kind, caring and provided me with any support and things that I needed and my dad left when I was 6 and has been mainly absent except for weekly visits which have only just now ceased! He now only visits for birthdays and christmas but is no help with my caring situation.
Mum’s parents which were the grandparents who were in our lives died, grandma when I was just 10 and grandad just before mum’s heart attack in 2015.
I was always a very happy child until grandma died and then I suffered with depression until I developed a fantasy life and characters which I drew. This fantasy life and characters was my only salvation. Grandad stopped bothering with us as much after Grandma died.
My second cousin who was my age started coming and staying with us alot, virtually living with us. We were close and his dad, mum’s first cousin would also visit every so often and do us favours. Since Grandma died the rest of the family abandoned us. After Grandad died, those last few cousins who visited us also abandoned us. After mum’s heart attack they abandoned us further (as in they visited way less after grandad died and now had stopped all contact altogether).
When I was 20 I was happy but that was when mum decided it would be a cool idea to rope me into being her carer seen as how I was still living at home with no job/career or family of my own. I agreed to it only because I felt obliged and that she’d be disappointed in me and mad at me if I refused. I wouldn’t have felt obliged had I lived elsewhere and had a career and family but I figured that because I didn’t, the universe or god or whatever higher power that be was giving me a job so i wouldn’t be a complete useless layabout, which I was.
My mum always did everything for me up until she no longer could. Since becoming disabled she had become grumpier and got mad at me a lot and would have ago at me for everything I did wrong or didn’t do her way. She became a lot stricter with me than before! Now, I never was a very independent kid, teenager, young adult but I figured that in my 20s I’d gain some independence. This of course didn’t happen because now I was tied to the house all day and night! Mum was always a bit protective of me and wouldn’t allow me out on my own. I had some friends growing up but not many and they’d always come to the house. we’d not go out wandering the earth like other kids/teens seem to do on their own without a grownup! I always thought the ones who wandered about far and wide on their owns were weird, well, the parents not the kids themselves! I would never have been confident enough to go out on my own as a kid. I always felt lost without a grownup or somebody else with me and had a shit sense of direction or pretty much anything! I was always scared I’d screw up and people would think I was stupid or get mad if It was obvious I was on my own. This may be due to the fact that my mum pretty much instilled fear into me of the outside world and strange adults.
I was homeschooled as well so kept even closer to mum because of that. I was happy though.
She told me I had the option to go to school if I wished and I’d always refuse!
Now 20 odd and mum’s carer I was tethered to her all the time and only allowed to go out to the local shops after grandad died because he was the one who used to get our bits for us from there including mum’s cigs and skimmed milk. He would get her 5 packs of cigs and when me and mum went out once a week for our day out she’s send me in to a shop to get 5 more packs. So she’s have 10 for the week. She only smoked a pack a day or superkings. She got that many just to have a stock so she’d not run out so we;d only go out twice a week.
(trust me this is all significant info)
since grandad died I have started going to the local shops more often, not that I wanted to. our money had dwindled so I could now only get 3 packs of cigs at a time and had to do this virtually ever other day. Because of this I started making a bit of a day out of it and I’d get a coffee and a pasty from the local co-op and would take them to the local park, sit on a bench to eat and drink and watch people pass by with their lovely dogs. I started out just going to the park without the food and drink because I didn’t even know they did food and drink for a long time! This was the only time I got to myself without being stuck in the house, cooking, cleaning or waiting on mum.
i went from hating going to the local shops to really enjoying it now I got my new routine of getting food and coffee and going to the nice park!

I will admit I never wanted to be a carer. I hate cooking and cleaning and doing all domestic duties. It’;s not as simple as just cooking and cleaning. I have to tend to a whole big house! So I have to tend to the garden and also deal with a bunch of clutter on top of that!

I feel like a slave even tho mum keeps reminding me that I’m not a slave and that a carer us different from a slave… I didn’t believe her.
The ironic thing is that I always wanted servants when I was a kid, it was a kind of dream of mine after watching period dramas with lords, ladies, big houses and their servants and thought that would be cool. I always pestered mum to get some but she said we couldn’t afford them. Then when I learned that slaves were free I said I wanted slaves instead then! I didn’t understand the whole history of slaves back then! Twas an innocent kid’s mind.
And I’ve ended up being the slave! in a way, rightly or wrongly whether you could class me as a carer or a slave or not. I still have to do all the cooking, cleaning and waiting on someone even if it is because they are disabled and not able bodied lord or lady.
I do get paid carers allowance which I feel is a huge mistake that I made by agreeing to it.
Mum told me about it and said I should apply to it. I may as well get paid for doing this!
As soon as I got it she now said “you have to work even harder now, you’re getting paid for this!” i was like “oh…my…god… what have I done?” I’ve just now given my mum leverage for making me do even more work and feeling oblige to really work hard.
At least before I got carers I could get away with just doing the absolute essentials and necessities like cooking and hoovering, now she expected me to clean the house thoroughly from top to bottom, be at her beck and call day and night whenver she needed and I felt like now I’d never have any free time for myself to do the things I love: things I love to do include playing games, drawing, painting(which was going to be my career of choice, as an artist), both digitally and with actual paints, playing with my toys, playing piano and accordion,reading, writing in a journal(which I’ve done constantly since I was 15 and on and off before then)

I feel like I made a huge mistake. honestly wish now that I’d moved out at 18 like normal kids and gotten myself set up with a career and family of my own at some point because then my mum wouldn’t have even asked me to become her carer. I feel like I’m trapped doing this until she dies.
I’ve seen a lot of people say they wish their caree would just die so they could have freedom. I feel a similar way but I’d never wish that.
I still love my mum and enjoy her company and she does help where she can and she buys me lots of wonderful things but I do feel like her dying is the only way I could finally get a life of my own and finally make some friends and meet a love interest.

back in 2020 when covid hit, we got an infestation of rats by october. Because of this mum’s health got worse and so did my eczema. Because of this she expected me to do even more work and sometimes even stay up all night in case she needed me.
She got really nasty at this point to the point where she became a bit physical.
Same happened after her heart attack she became more aggressive.
She’s grab me and shake me or stand inches away from my face and just scream at me. She even walked around me and came at me with scissors in my face, again inches away.

She refused to get in professionals to have the pests killed off because she’s also an avid animal lover. I always suspected she loves animals more than me or even herself! She was willing to keep us suffering with breathing problems and ill health to keep these damn rats alive.
Then on the other hand she blamed me for the rat infestation because I didn’t block off the holes and then get pest control in to kill them!!! You just told me NOT to kill them, now you’re mad at me because I didn’t go behind your back and kill them?

After being rushed to hospital several times due to the breathing difficulties, on the 3rd time, the paramedics took it upon themselves to call the council to get the exterminators in. surprisingly mum didn’t put up resistance like I thought she would!

Paid a fortune of £150 just for them to put poison packets about the house when I couldn’t just bought a bucket of blocks online for £10 to £20 quid!
I was so mad about this.

Now mum’s money has dwindled it’s now up to me to buy £33 to £100 worth of cigarettes and pay the pet store man for more nuts and seeds to attract more damn rats to the house. Mum loves to feed the birds and squirrels but the amount of bird food she buys is ridiculous! I told mum that she must give me some money for me to buy these things with because I don’t wanna spend my money on it. So this is now the arrangement.

After mum got physical with me a few times when she randomly started arguments over stupid things, somebody called the police.
I also threatened to move out and she’s calmed down an awful lot now. Even when she’s angry she will have a small outburst and then calm down and start being nicer to me.

Mum has OCD and my lack of ezxcessive cleanliness does her head in. I will admit I don’t clean and tidy as avidly as she did. I am a bit lazy and she gets frustrated with me because of it.
more to come.
There is way more things to be told about my situation

2

You have to stand up to mum or move out. Stop buying the cigarettes for a start, and the bird seed. You are encouraging her addiction!!! If she wants them, either she gets them herself or she does without. If she has an outburst, then call the police again.

3

I can’t stop buying the cigarettes because only i can get them. she physically cannot walk to the shop herself especially as its up hill.
For the record I am not the one who called the police. somebody else did. I had to try and convince mum that I didn’t nor did i tell anyone about the argument at all. she’d often say don’t tell people our business.

Mmoving out is easier said than done considering I have never lived alone and I don’t have any savings to even rent a place. Do you know how much rent costs? Even for the cheapest flat? It’s still way more than I have in my bank.
I have been insisting mum pay for the cigs and the bird stuff if she wants it so I’m hoping that my money will build. I’m only on benefits carers allowance and income support but it still doesn’t seem to be enough and for ages now I’ve only had the lower triple digits even with mum paying for her own shit.
I have relied on mum for 31 years now so I have no confidence I’d even know what to do regarding moving out. It seems like a huge chore.
I’d need a lot of help and advice.
I’ve never had a real go out to work job so the idea of getting one with all the horror stories of awkward shitty bosses and coworkers scares me too and the long hours geez. I am used to sleeping 9 hours or more and not being awake for that long so 12 plus hours of work (which I’ve observed a lot work from like 6 to 8 in some cases) I would never survive even if plowed with 10 coffees (i actually get even more tired after having more than one coffee).

More info on ths scissers incident: she came at me with the scissors because she was so frustrated I wasn’t doing the dinner by 7 because if she ate after 7 according to her her breathing problems get worse. I actually got it on video when she did this because I happened to be livestreaming. Only a couple of people watching seemed to be concerned though.

I tried confronting mum about this but she avoided answering me. After the 4th time asking about it she claimed she actually meant to wave her finger at me but happened to have the scissors in her hand.

lame excuse but I never called the police about that and nobody else did for that incident.

She did often say that because of all the things I did wrong or didn’t do, she was getting frustrated with me and the whole thing was building up to the point of explosion so if she did have outbursts it’s because of the build up of frustrating things I did.

She would often tell me stories of how abuse victims would put up with abuse for so long and then snap and either kill or injur their abuser.
Yes, she claimed I was being abusive to her because I won’t do everything she wants me to do such as cook for 7 pm and clean and tidy and sort out the entire house.

I will admit I don’t do everything she wants me to do or as thoroughly but I just don’t like being taken advantage of and I felt like if I did do everything and to the extent she wanted that I would feel like I’m being taken advantage of.
I do sleep alot and thankfully she does let me.

4

Sorry no one has responded. Any update OP. I believe a needs assessment is in order.

1 Like
5

Hello again, Lord Jeromiah. I saw and replied to your original post in the “new to caring” section. It would be helpful if you could give us a few details about the setup.

  • How old is your mother?
  • What is her source of income?
  • How big is the house (in terms of bedrooms and reception rooms)?
  • You say you were home schooled. Did you pass any public exams, e.g. GCE?

This is good. You are starting to create life outside the home. You need to develop this more.

Your mum is right. A carer is not a slave. So she should not treat you like one.

This feeling is understandable, but you should not put your life on hold until she dies. She could live on for years yet.

Most of us have an innate dislike to kill things. Unfortunately it is sometimes necessary. The best rat bait is the professional style wax block type, obtainable from country stores or online. The active ingredient is bromadiolene. This acts by gradually reducing the rat’s blood pressure over a day or so. After taking the bait, it returns to its nest, goes into a trance and dies in its sleep. It is about as humane as you can get. And you seldom have the problem of disposing of dead bodies.

One of my favourite latter-day proverbs is: “If you motor along with one foot on the brake and the other foot on the gas, things do not turn out well.”

This is what your mother is doing in feeding the birds. Bird seed also attracts rats. She should stop doing it. Wild birds are so-called simply because they can survive in the wild. It is pleasant to entice them into the garden and watch them, but it is not necessary for their survival. The pet shop sells loads of bird seed; let others feed the birds. One thing you can do is put down trays of water; birds will come to these to wash and drink, particularly in dry weather. They will not particularly attract rats however.

I don’t think that you are going to stop your mother smoking. Any attempt to do so forcefully will just sour your relationship and you will bring further hardship on yourself. Just make sure she pays for them, not you. Concentrate your energy on fighting a battle worth winning - plan your escape from this situation.

6

You certainly need help on how to get a job, don’t you! Where did you get these silly ideas from? I had many bosses during my working life, and most of them have been charming people. Work colleagues are there to be part of a team, you all help one another, and occasionally have a bit of fun. As for 12 hours of work a day, that is nonsense. The standard hours for a full-time job are around 7½ hours per day… Some people may work up to 12 hours per day, but that is overtime - not compulsory. I suggest you go along to the local Job Centre. There are helpful people there who can give you lots of useful advice on job hunting as well has giving you leads on jobs available. They can put you on courses where you are trained on how to write a CV, how to present yourself in interview, etc.

What you should be concerned about is how to get out of the unsatisfactory life situation you are currently in.

What I am about to say may sound slightly critical, but I am trying to help you to get your points over so that we can respond best.

I think that you exaggerate a bit sometimes. In your original topic in the New Carers section, you said that you had self-harmed. This rang alarm bells with us. Later, when questioned on this, you said that you had banged your head with your fists in response to Mum’s anger.

Blimey - I bang my head sometimes, when I am angry or exasperated. It is a normal reaction. People here were thinking you had slashed your wrists or something.

Reading between the lines, I think the scissors incident is something similar. Mum later said that she meant to wave a finger a you but had the scissors in hand. I think that is all there was to it. Others did not seem concerned and the police decided not to act further.

Please don’t exaggerate - or else people may over-react and give wrong advice.

I suggest also that you follow Thara’s advice and arrange a needs assessment. If you get more people looking at your case you may gain a better idea of how to steer your life in a more satisfactory situation.

2 Likes
7

I agree with this about work.

I too have an extremely difficult mum, and I am even younger than you are. My caring role started just days after my 24th birthday. I’m now 26.

I know how hard it is. However I can’t help with everything but I can share my experience on the world of work as a carer.

This group is an exception to the rule, but I find support and understanding so hard to come by. younger carers are often washed over in terms of what is out there. I find the stigma about carers is so hard to overcome expecially when support seams to be geared towards certain groups.

However, my job does help me and it gives me a purpose. I am fortunate to be in a position which I love. I work 9-5 and get home around 6:30pm that’s if I don’t take my sister shopping. A great job can go along way to help you. I work by the sea, and it’s so refreshing to drive to work along rural roads from my home city. You said you like drawing, are there any independent companies near you hiring? I find the easiest jobs to get are from independent places. Sometimes jobs can get too bogged down in applications and algorithms, there is nothing better than having a human read your cv.

As daunting as the world of work seems, I find there is no greater feeling than knowing you have done something to help someone. Though I know I can’t help my mum, it can have its impact and it can make me feel awful. However, even just the odd thank you at work really makes my day. I know at that point I have helped someone and I have made their time abit easier.

2 Likes
8

Hello, thanks for your response Thara!
Yes there is update
I have taken everybody’s advice and I am now thinking of moving out. I’m not sure if I told you guys this as I’ve not read up yet to remind myself of all I’ve said but me and mum had the same discussion we have every now and again whereby I complain about something to do with the house or situation being her carer or the area I live in being full of shitheads that are just bullies and she would say “well if you don’t like it then move out then” which I know she doesn’t really mean because I know she needs me as a carer. so I would normally just say nothing as I didn’t believe I was able to move out. I knew she wouldn’t be happy about it and guilt trip me and give me a hard time.
Anyway I decided that the next she said “well move out then” I would call her bluff and agree to do so.
This conversation happened in september last year: We discussed something that led to me reminding her once again that I am transgender female to male and identify as male and she said she doesn’t want a weirdo living with her. She said "if you’re going to be doing all that weird stuff then you can do it elsewhere and move out " and this time I said “Ok then” as in “I will move out” and of course she wasn’t happy about it and started going on about how I didn’t have any money, n o job, no place to go and asking me what I’d do.
I told her that my friend Becky #1 offered to let me live with her and her family as I mentioned to you guys in an above post/reply or the one on my “I’m new here” thread.
She said ok you’re sorted for a place to stay.
Then I told her what I would do for money. after she said "if you stop being my carer it means you have to give up carer’s allowance so I’d have no more money coming in as it was my only source of income besides income support. I told her that if I stop carers allowance I would be either entitled to more money in income support or entitled to another benefit to replace carers. I would use this until I was able to get a job and save up which I’d do if I went to live at Becky #1 's house.

Now that that stuff was all sorted and out of the way, then come all of the guilt trips, many different ones
“well I’ll have to start acting like I already live alone and start doing everything myself and pretend you’re not here”. “I don’t know what I’ll do about the bins and how I shall manage to put them out”.
“my mother died after only 2 years of having to do everything herself when she had breathing problems like I have now”.
“oh god I should’ve died that day when I had the heart attack”.
“everybody has abandoned me and now you are doing the same, you’re just like your father and abandon me when I’m no longer of use to them/him” and then she started crying which was bloody heart breaking and I couldn’t stand the horrble, hard lump of clay like feeling I got in my gut when she said all these horrendous things.
I eventually gave in and said “I won’t go then, I’ll stay”
Then I told her when I really want is not to move out completely but just have a bit of a holiday at Becky’s.
Of course she now blames Becky and my other 2 friends for trying to influence me and talk me into moving out or leaving even for a holiday she wasn’t happy about.
She calls my friends the sh*tters “beth and those shitters” because she never remembered Becky’s name.That made us laugh so now that’s our group name!

Anyway more time past and after talking with multiple different people about my situation and them all telling me that my mum is emotionally manipulating and abusing me and that I need to get out and I can leave if I want I started to warm to the idea of leaving home more and more.
I got to a point where every time I thought of it I felt so happy, my heart sored and for the first time in a long time I began to picture how my life would be and how I’d live the life I’ve always dreamed of! I’d be able to have my own place, get a girlfriend and possible future wife and adopt some kids, be able to focus all my energy on my art and music and my books that I’m writing, one including my autobiography, I’d be able to save up and travel as well which I’ve not done since I was a kid because of money or mum not wanting to do it.
As a result of all these “terrible people brainwashing you and influencing you” as mum would put it, i feel the most confident and positive I have in years!
I feel like I really could make a go of it and I say screw the hard parts, this feeling I get of how good my life could be overrides the fear!
But yet I still have to be realistic. The lowest rent I’ve seen for even this shitty area has been 500. I have enough money in my account for only 2 months rent.
I was very happy when I thought I had the option to move into Becky’s but unfortunately that offer seems to be off the table now. I’m not sure why but I have a feeling it’s to do with the fact that she has now got back together with her very posessive, jealous and anti-social boyfriend who seems to hate me and think of me as a threat. They don’t live together but I guess she feels it might cause problems if he knows I’m living at her home. I’d be no bother tho, I’d only live there temporary whilst I build up my money to get a place of my own and find a roommate. right now I can’t get a job because mum won’t let me.
I guess I have to wait for somebody else to take me in or wait ages for my blooming money to build up more

9

Ok cool, hello again Denis, I shall try and answer you as well as possible. Please read my reply to Thara as well as the info is important for everybody to read and give me advice about.
My mindset has changed drastically since I’ve been getting help and advice from you guys plus others whom I have told my situation to! They all tell me the same as you and that I don’t owe mum anything. I don’t have to be her carer if I don’t want to. I’m not responsible for my mother, she is responsible for herself. It’s her choice whether she struggles by herself or gets a carer in after I leave.
All of this advice has made me realise I don’t have to feel responsible for my mum or guilty if I want to leave and stop being her carer.
All this advice makes me realise that I CAN have a life of my own guilt free! I feel already like my mind is set at ease and I already have more freedom.
I have pushed boundaries too as some nice people such as bowlingbun and breezy told me. They said I don’t have to do what I don’t want to and I should start acting like a rebellious teenager! at 31 I thought this was too late for me to do but it’s worked.
My mum has stopped moaning at me for things she used to moan at me for. Now she knows I could move out at any time because I keep saying that I want to and will, mum seems to have backed off me. She no longer says “then leave” or threatens to kick me out anymore. This proves that what you guys say is true and that mum needs me now more than I need her and she said all the stuff she said to keep me here. She thinks I was too scared to leave so I always would believe I needed her for safety and security. She probably still thinks I’m bluffing but doesn’t wanna take the risk.
She’s actively acted/talked about how it’s bad that since having these outside influences such as my friends the sh*itters I’ve become more confident. She says it like that’s a bad thing! I tried to say "well isn’t that a good thing? most parents WANT their children to gain confidence "
It proves to me she just wants me timid, scared and submissive and reliant on her like I always used to be. But now no more. I always wanted to be more dominant and the leader type. Now I feel closer to achieving that.

Anyway as for your questions, mum is 68 or 69 I can’t remember now.
She gets PIP or something like that. some disability allowance. She encouraged me to get carers allowance for more money and made me spend it on her groceries, bird feed and cigarettes so i went from having built up almost 10,000 to nothing. I’ve built up a grand now, just 2 months of rent.
I had absolutely no formal education what-so-ever. I was left to my own devices by age 9.
By age 11 some idiots decided to gain a vendetta toward my mum and reported her to the LEA and they hounded us for a few years causing so much stress and pressure that I ended up hated even the word “education” that I refused to do anything at all so mum stopped trying. I taught myself, read books, read articles on the computer and documentaries. I taught myself art and how to play musical instruments.
I am now obsessed with education and would love to go to college to study further.
I have never passed any exams, GCSEs A levls, O levels, no degrees, never won awards or trophies, achievements, nothing.
I will most possibly pass tests on having autism and ADHD however, probably also BPD.

I also go out to the local towns too.

She says she doesn;t treat me like a slave because I get paid and I go out and she lets me sleep alot but still looking after someone like this is more a servitude position which is the opposite kind of vocation that I wanted.

I hope she does live along time but I hope she will make the decision to get in professional carers if I left home instead of trying to struggle on doing everything herself like she threatens she would do, or die prematurely because she’s going to just give up as she also threatens.

Then the next minute says she will probably live longer because she won’t have me here stressing her out with these conversations.

I convinced mum to stop putting food out for the wildlife but that made the infestation worse. The rats went from being docile and just living outside and only sheltering in the walls and garage and not coming into the main house to running rampant all over the house and actively attacking me every time I came out of my room, the only room they left alone, or if I crossed their path in their assigned room that they took over, the cloakroom/downstairs toilet/servants quarters.
It was scary as hell so I, the person who convinced mum to stop feeding the birds, started putting food outside again to lore the rats back outside. It didn’t work but the ambulance men said they’d call the council and set up a pest control visit for us so that worked. Now new rats keep coming back even though lockdowns are over. they don’t seem to come in the main house anymore.
I borrowed wax block poison from my neighbour and they let me keep it so I put that out when I hear/see the rats. we have rats again currently.

The rat man did not come back like he said he would. cost us a hefty 150 for a few poison packets and no follow up.

I have never tried to stop mum smoking

10

Oh dear oh dear, i will admit I don’t like what you just said about my exaggerating. I didn’t know thumping your head with her hands wasn’t considered self harm. i use the wrong terms but I don’t exaggerate. I have never felt the need to bang myself over the head or do anything to hurt myself so as far as I was concerned it’s still a form of self harm even if mild.
I’ve never been driven so crazy that I would do that. This was an extreme form of stress and upset I was feeling when I did that. I’m sorry that my form of self harm was too mild for people to consider it self harm. For me any self harm no matter how mild is self harm. Sorry but I don’t exaggerate, I just think differently to other people so it seems. What seems logical to me seems barmy to everyone else. I see that now.

Anyway, the scissors incident is real, I’m not making it up nor lying. I have several videos to prove it and if permitted I’d be happy to show you the videos. everything starts out very quiet and you see mum creeping up behind me and around me then suddenly comes at me with the scissors. screaming at me. By every word she says after you can tell she knew exactly what she was doing. She even raises the scissors to say “and this is not far off”, and this is the only way to make you do as I want then so be it " gesturing to the scissors as if to say stabbing me is not far off. It’s all there as proof in the video.
The police incident was over another argument we had. The police dismissed it because I worked very hard to convince them it was a tiff because I didn’t want mum to be taken away despite all the scary stuff she subjected me to at that time ( now last year may ish). I just wanted them to go away tbh because I was already worried I’d be in trouble for the fact that the police came in the first place. She knew I must’ve told somebody and she always said not to tell anybody what goes on in this house.

11

Hugs. I am also moving out of the current house later this year. I have already contacted the right companies in order to start the entire process. Wish me luck. I am looking at all my house options.

1 Like
12

Heya. A few things come to mind here when looking at new houses. Firstly use a estate agent in order to streamline the entire process. View each preferred house objectively and make brief summary notes too. Best wishes. Take some colourful photos whenever possible and also then request a condition report. It will tell you a lot more about the house in question.
List the merits and demerits of each house on a notepad in order to decide fully. Decide what type of house that you ultimately like. Interview each estate agent to find the best option. Consider all your sources of information. Read beyond the lines to discover clues about the complete history of that house. Ask a few other people in town. Be alert. Your best bet is to actually go and visit the house in addition to ferret out the information. Play detective in other words.

13

Thanks for your reply, Lord Jeromiah. Since your mum is older than normal retirement age, it is possible that she gets attendance allowance. You need to keep her money and your money quite separate. She should not be making you spend your own income on her luxuries. If she want you to get her cigarettes, she should pay you her own money with which to buy them.

Your mother did you no favour by withholding you from school education. Who reported her to the LEA? Was it the NSPCC? Whoever it was, they did the right thing. It is a pity that they did not sort out this problem properly, and I suspect it was your mum that was responsible for all the stress.

But anyway, this is where you are now. And it’s not too late. It is good that you now have positive ideas on education. And you appear to have the potential to succeed. Your standard of English in your posts is very good, even though they are a bit lengthy. You could do worse than go along to your Job Centre and have a chat about potential work and associated qualifications, which you could gain at college.

It is time to stop bandying words about slavery and start to talk about concrete matters. If she forces you to spend your money on herself, that is a form of slavery; she is effectively taking money from you, not paying you. Caring does not need to be slavery. However you are entitled to have a career.

Don’t respond to threats. She probably would not carry out these threats. Even if she did, that would be her decision, not your fault.

I have difficulty in understanding what is going on here. Briefly, if you put food out for birds it will attract rats, so don’t do it. Wax block bait is the best. If used outside, it should be used in the bait boxes that are available for the purpose, to prevent the bait from being taken by birds and other wildlife.

I am busy now, but I have given you quite a bit of my time. I’ll reply to your later post in a day or two.

1 Like
14

Stop leaving out food for birds. We did when I was a child and we had rats three or four times over the past ten years. So now mom has stopped because I refused to listen to her.

15

Thanks for your reply, Lord Jeromiah. I accept that you were not exaggerating - just using wrong terms. “Self harm” means serious harm, like cutting your wrists. Yes, you were under stress and upset, and banging your head is a normal reaction by many people in these circumstances. You have not really harmed yourself.

This is not acceptable behaviour. If something like this happens, you need to back away. Go to another room. Leave the house, even. Could your friend Becky put you up for a night or two? You mum, left to cope on her own, would soon come to realise how much she needs you. This is not being cowardly. It is asserting that you will not put up with bad behaviour, and protecting your own welfare. No, I don’t want to see the video, thank you. Your account of what happened is sufficient.

I hope that you did not put this incident on social media. Don’t. If you did, remove it. It is unlikely to help you and could come back and disaffect you. The only people you should show this sort of thing to are the police or a counsellor.

Who called Police? You? A Neighbour? A friend? Someone else? If the police get involved again, this time, let them complete their enquiries with you. Too many people, like you did, fail to get the assistance they need because they decline to give the police the information and permission needed. Don’t run scared of your mother. I’ve told you above what to do if things get rough. You were worried about mum being taken away. Arrest and imprisonment are for two main purposes - to protect the public and to prevent criminals from evading justice. It is highly unlikely that the police would have a disabled woman in her late sixties put behind bars. If they thought a crime might have been committed, she would have been left “under investigation pending further enquiries”.

Finally, don’t take it personally if people sometimes seem a bit critical. I can think of several times in my life when people I knew have told me home truths I did not like to hear at the time, but I have seen them as an opportunity to improve the course of my life.

16

in actual fact it is self harm… even small insignificant harmful things are self harm. I talked to my friend about this and she absolutely agrees that bashing myself over the head, which hurts, and that I’ve never felt the need to do before, is self harm.
Heck, any deliberate attempt to hurt youself is self harm: example. I bought a new posture pillow. The advert says normal pillows actually cause damage to your spine. Knowing this I have decided to continue to sleep on the spine damaging pillow and I have cast the proper skeleton posture friendly pillows aside. Knowing this means I am actively self harming. Even if it’s mild, I have been warned that using a regular pillow causes my skeleton harm, yet I still choose to sleep on the harmful pillow. This is extremely subtle and mild yet it’s still logically considered self harm. I am deliberately sleeping on a pillow that I know is actively damaging my spine.
Obviously I’m not going to come on this forums and say “I’ve been self harming, I’m sleeping on the wrong pillow” coz that really would be exaggurating but I’d definitely say thumping my head which felt awful, painful, self destructive was self harm.
I didn’t use the wrong turn, I was being a bit of a chandler there.
They say sarcasm is the lowest form of whit but it works wonders to make a point in a sassy way and I love it :wink:
Self harm:can be anything that is self destructive, no matter how small, subtle or insignificant…
Thanks to you this will be my new catchphrase now that you’ve made me realise people only consider cutting yourself to be self harm. That is not correct.

17

I was the one to tell mum to stop feeding the birds, she listened, We stopped putting the bird ffoood out. now the rats have just taken to coming inside the house and no matter what supposed “rat proof containers” we put our own food in, they simply gnaw threw them with constant determination and get to the food, I took it back and gave mum the go ahead to continue putting out the bird food. Now the rats just stick to outdoors.

I put out wax blocks which I got from a neighbour and that eventually attracts the rats and they die off. Then a new lot come along. It’s been like this since covid. Never have I ever seen a wild rat pre-covid. Very strange. You’d think all the rats would have gone back into hiding and sticking to living behind take-away places and restaurants but no. The entire rat population comes here now. They never did before and mum has always fed the birds and squirrels.
Not sure where all these rats have come from

18

Thank you Denis for your compliments and stuff.

My friend Becky number 1 lives too far away so she can’t really put me up for a night. It would be an ordeal of a lengthy trip of 4 and a half hours just for her to put me up for one or 2 nights. I’m not used to travelling at all let alone long distances. I will admit I’m quite stuck in my ways now but you guys have helped me to change my mindset a great deal.
It might take a while to help me out of my set ways now. I tend to get into a certain way of life or a certain routine and it’s hard to break me out of it.
Travelling without parents would be a huge big thing for me when to others it’s probably a piece of cake .
Heck my other friend Brad would just up and leave his house to travel the 5 hours to come and visit me whenever he was off work and he wanted even though he lives with his parents! I thought it mind blowing that he could just leave at short notice and didn’t need his parent’s permission.
Before I knew my way of life with mum and the way she treated me was not normal, I remember thinking it was so mind blowing whenever other lived with parents yet had so much freedom! That’s when I first realised that my situation was not normal! And that was before talking to you guys on this forum plus other people about my said situation.

I knew it wasn’t normal, yet when people told me mum was abusive, I didn’t think that was quite right. I just figured my situation was just abnormal because of circumstances: mum becoming disabled and everyone, neighbours, friends, family abandoning us and not having anything to do with us. And of course the fact that mum was stubborn about getting in help for me in the form of professional carers. I figured she had good reason not to want carers because according to her she’d heard stories of carers being abusive or stealing from their carees.
so in other words I thought mum was stubborn but harmless

19

OK, Lord Jeromiah, have it your way. What you call self-harm is just a matter of degree. Really, though, I would recommend less effort in bandying words and more effort in sorting your life out. You need to set up an escape strategy to gradually disengage yourself from your mother’s clutches and establish a life of your own.

20

Who is the boss in your household? You told a tale of Mum almost enslaving you, and fighting off the LEA to deprive you of an education - yet now you are telling Mum when she should or should not put out bird feed.

Rats can migrate for various reasons. During the COVID-19 lockdown, the lack of human occupancy of public areas resulted in the curtailment of discarded food scraps that rats fed on so they sought new food sources. A new building development went up near us, resulting in nesting places being disturbed so again rats sought new dwellings.

Why should the rats go back to their former places when you are providing cordon bleu service at home? You should realise that rats can breed and muliply very quickly. You should be attempting to kill them faster than they breed, not encouraging them. That means stop feeding the birds. Put out only rat bait. Also put some bait in strategic places inside the house, under kitchen units, in lofts, etc.

If you carry on as at present, you are going to become overwhelmed with rats. If they spread to neighbours, who complain, you could be getting a visit from the public health inspector, who will carry out drastic action and certainly condemn feeding the birds.