I posted most about my caring situation in “new to the forums” section and I’ve decided to extend it here and tell my story and any new developments.
So a brief history (probably will be not so brief but I’ll try my best)
I am a carer for my mum and have been her carer for a decade from age 20 to now 31 who has degenerative spine disks, spinal stenosises, sciatica, osteoarthritis, and a had a massive heart attack half way through that decade back in 2015 when I was 24.
Mum was always a great mother, was always kind, caring and provided me with any support and things that I needed and my dad left when I was 6 and has been mainly absent except for weekly visits which have only just now ceased! He now only visits for birthdays and christmas but is no help with my caring situation.
Mum’s parents which were the grandparents who were in our lives died, grandma when I was just 10 and grandad just before mum’s heart attack in 2015.
I was always a very happy child until grandma died and then I suffered with depression until I developed a fantasy life and characters which I drew. This fantasy life and characters was my only salvation. Grandad stopped bothering with us as much after Grandma died.
My second cousin who was my age started coming and staying with us alot, virtually living with us. We were close and his dad, mum’s first cousin would also visit every so often and do us favours. Since Grandma died the rest of the family abandoned us. After Grandad died, those last few cousins who visited us also abandoned us. After mum’s heart attack they abandoned us further (as in they visited way less after grandad died and now had stopped all contact altogether).
When I was 20 I was happy but that was when mum decided it would be a cool idea to rope me into being her carer seen as how I was still living at home with no job/career or family of my own. I agreed to it only because I felt obliged and that she’d be disappointed in me and mad at me if I refused. I wouldn’t have felt obliged had I lived elsewhere and had a career and family but I figured that because I didn’t, the universe or god or whatever higher power that be was giving me a job so i wouldn’t be a complete useless layabout, which I was.
My mum always did everything for me up until she no longer could. Since becoming disabled she had become grumpier and got mad at me a lot and would have ago at me for everything I did wrong or didn’t do her way. She became a lot stricter with me than before! Now, I never was a very independent kid, teenager, young adult but I figured that in my 20s I’d gain some independence. This of course didn’t happen because now I was tied to the house all day and night! Mum was always a bit protective of me and wouldn’t allow me out on my own. I had some friends growing up but not many and they’d always come to the house. we’d not go out wandering the earth like other kids/teens seem to do on their own without a grownup! I always thought the ones who wandered about far and wide on their owns were weird, well, the parents not the kids themselves! I would never have been confident enough to go out on my own as a kid. I always felt lost without a grownup or somebody else with me and had a shit sense of direction or pretty much anything! I was always scared I’d screw up and people would think I was stupid or get mad if It was obvious I was on my own. This may be due to the fact that my mum pretty much instilled fear into me of the outside world and strange adults.
I was homeschooled as well so kept even closer to mum because of that. I was happy though.
She told me I had the option to go to school if I wished and I’d always refuse!
Now 20 odd and mum’s carer I was tethered to her all the time and only allowed to go out to the local shops after grandad died because he was the one who used to get our bits for us from there including mum’s cigs and skimmed milk. He would get her 5 packs of cigs and when me and mum went out once a week for our day out she’s send me in to a shop to get 5 more packs. So she’s have 10 for the week. She only smoked a pack a day or superkings. She got that many just to have a stock so she’d not run out so we;d only go out twice a week.
(trust me this is all significant info)
since grandad died I have started going to the local shops more often, not that I wanted to. our money had dwindled so I could now only get 3 packs of cigs at a time and had to do this virtually ever other day. Because of this I started making a bit of a day out of it and I’d get a coffee and a pasty from the local co-op and would take them to the local park, sit on a bench to eat and drink and watch people pass by with their lovely dogs. I started out just going to the park without the food and drink because I didn’t even know they did food and drink for a long time! This was the only time I got to myself without being stuck in the house, cooking, cleaning or waiting on mum.
i went from hating going to the local shops to really enjoying it now I got my new routine of getting food and coffee and going to the nice park!
I will admit I never wanted to be a carer. I hate cooking and cleaning and doing all domestic duties. It’;s not as simple as just cooking and cleaning. I have to tend to a whole big house! So I have to tend to the garden and also deal with a bunch of clutter on top of that!
I feel like a slave even tho mum keeps reminding me that I’m not a slave and that a carer us different from a slave… I didn’t believe her.
The ironic thing is that I always wanted servants when I was a kid, it was a kind of dream of mine after watching period dramas with lords, ladies, big houses and their servants and thought that would be cool. I always pestered mum to get some but she said we couldn’t afford them. Then when I learned that slaves were free I said I wanted slaves instead then! I didn’t understand the whole history of slaves back then! Twas an innocent kid’s mind.
And I’ve ended up being the slave! in a way, rightly or wrongly whether you could class me as a carer or a slave or not. I still have to do all the cooking, cleaning and waiting on someone even if it is because they are disabled and not able bodied lord or lady.
I do get paid carers allowance which I feel is a huge mistake that I made by agreeing to it.
Mum told me about it and said I should apply to it. I may as well get paid for doing this!
As soon as I got it she now said “you have to work even harder now, you’re getting paid for this!” i was like “oh…my…god… what have I done?” I’ve just now given my mum leverage for making me do even more work and feeling oblige to really work hard.
At least before I got carers I could get away with just doing the absolute essentials and necessities like cooking and hoovering, now she expected me to clean the house thoroughly from top to bottom, be at her beck and call day and night whenver she needed and I felt like now I’d never have any free time for myself to do the things I love: things I love to do include playing games, drawing, painting(which was going to be my career of choice, as an artist), both digitally and with actual paints, playing with my toys, playing piano and accordion,reading, writing in a journal(which I’ve done constantly since I was 15 and on and off before then)
I feel like I made a huge mistake. honestly wish now that I’d moved out at 18 like normal kids and gotten myself set up with a career and family of my own at some point because then my mum wouldn’t have even asked me to become her carer. I feel like I’m trapped doing this until she dies.
I’ve seen a lot of people say they wish their caree would just die so they could have freedom. I feel a similar way but I’d never wish that.
I still love my mum and enjoy her company and she does help where she can and she buys me lots of wonderful things but I do feel like her dying is the only way I could finally get a life of my own and finally make some friends and meet a love interest.
back in 2020 when covid hit, we got an infestation of rats by october. Because of this mum’s health got worse and so did my eczema. Because of this she expected me to do even more work and sometimes even stay up all night in case she needed me.
She got really nasty at this point to the point where she became a bit physical.
Same happened after her heart attack she became more aggressive.
She’s grab me and shake me or stand inches away from my face and just scream at me. She even walked around me and came at me with scissors in my face, again inches away.
She refused to get in professionals to have the pests killed off because she’s also an avid animal lover. I always suspected she loves animals more than me or even herself! She was willing to keep us suffering with breathing problems and ill health to keep these damn rats alive.
Then on the other hand she blamed me for the rat infestation because I didn’t block off the holes and then get pest control in to kill them!!! You just told me NOT to kill them, now you’re mad at me because I didn’t go behind your back and kill them?
After being rushed to hospital several times due to the breathing difficulties, on the 3rd time, the paramedics took it upon themselves to call the council to get the exterminators in. surprisingly mum didn’t put up resistance like I thought she would!
Paid a fortune of £150 just for them to put poison packets about the house when I couldn’t just bought a bucket of blocks online for £10 to £20 quid!
I was so mad about this.
Now mum’s money has dwindled it’s now up to me to buy £33 to £100 worth of cigarettes and pay the pet store man for more nuts and seeds to attract more damn rats to the house. Mum loves to feed the birds and squirrels but the amount of bird food she buys is ridiculous! I told mum that she must give me some money for me to buy these things with because I don’t wanna spend my money on it. So this is now the arrangement.
After mum got physical with me a few times when she randomly started arguments over stupid things, somebody called the police.
I also threatened to move out and she’s calmed down an awful lot now. Even when she’s angry she will have a small outburst and then calm down and start being nicer to me.
Mum has OCD and my lack of ezxcessive cleanliness does her head in. I will admit I don’t clean and tidy as avidly as she did. I am a bit lazy and she gets frustrated with me because of it.
more to come.
There is way more things to be told about my situation