Hi Pet
I hope your feelings about the nurses fade in the days ahead, it is hard to accept that at the very end there really is not a lot nurses or anyone else can do , nature takes it’s course. I think for the most part your husband received good care at the home or you would have moved him elsehwhere so don’t beat yourself up over the nurses “failings”.
Pet, I am so very sorry.
I also want to say thank you for the example you have set over the years, which helped me greatly while I was slowly losing my own husband.
Do accept all the love and help your family and friends offer you, to support you now.
Thinking of you Pet and glad you were with your husband at the end.
Please take care of yourself and accept all the support offered by your family.
You are one truly gracious lady and my thoughts are with you.
Thank you for thoughts and kind posts. Forum friends mean such a lot.
Busy day yesterday, to the registry office, to the funeral director, then to the bank. The staff in the bank once again were so helpful, going the extra mile. They are still so exasperated with Barclaycard. The 2 young men helping me are making it a project, on how and why hubby was actually allowed to spend, when they knew he was vulnerable. In the meantime the debt has to be paid. The fight in me on that score has diminished, for the time being. I will find the strength when I can, to fight on, for all vulnerable people who seem to be exploited.
Today DDs and myself are going to make arrangements for the funeral, a date has already been pencilled in.
Also will start the ball rolling re utility bills etc.
Will use the tell us once system for DWP.
Felt very overwhelmed yesterday, and drained today.
My poor daughters too. Younger one is trying to keep it together for her children.Important exam times,and all that go with it.
Other daughter is waiting for my youngest granddaughter to get back from her much deserved holiday, to tell her the news.
My sister is on holiday too. Haven’t told her, as why spoil holidays when no need.
Telling myself to face the day, taking comfort that hubby is at peace now. I keep imaging our lovely family dog who we missed terribly, bounding up to him!!
Pet,
Take a “day off” from everything if you are tired, you’ve done all the important stuff, utility bills can wait until after the funeral, their only concern is getting their money!
Just write a standard letter
"Dear …
Re: Mr. XYZ Address
I regret to inform you that my husband has died. I enclose a copy (photocopy is OK for utility companies) of the death certificate. Please transfer the account into my name."
It might also be worth saying that as he has been in a nursing home for some years, there is no need to do a final account and then open a new account as you have been the one paying the bills for a very long time.
On the day of the service, take some bottled water and leave it in the car, so you can have a drink as soon as possible. It will help.
Very sorry for your loss.
Been a busy week. Arrangements are to be finalised soon.
The minister is visiting DDs and myself tomorrow afternoon, to discuss the service. Have booked the venue for after the funeral. Seems more are attending so need to contact them.
Have been in touch with pensions so that’s pending.
Had an email that the gas bill hadnt been paid, so have been in touch, so 2 utility bills are sorted. Will sort the others this week. At least will be of the list. We have never been late paying bills, but goodness me, a couple of days overdue and you get reminded!! The bereavement sections are worth contacting though. If anyone needs they will put accounts on hold for a while.
This morning I had that feeling of disbelief, its a bad dream. Know its common, and soon wore off.
I was certain I wanted to see hubby at the funeral directors. Now am hesitant. Not because of fear, but when he passed it was so so dignified and peaceful, almost don’t want it snatched away.
Keep tidying up paperwork and then it gets muddled again!! I now have a basket with the most important in, so am OK now.
Now for the honesty bit. I’m still relieved that hubby is no longer declining, is now at peace, and that I haven’t the dreaded journey to either the nursing home or the hospital, wondering what I will be facing. Relief that I can go to bed without being on alert for the phone ringing. Whether that will change, who knows?
Hi Pet,
sounds like you are ticking the essential tasks off your list.
Your relief that you and hubby are at the end of the dementia journey is very understandable. It was hubby’s time and you were their for him every step of the way. Now it’s time for you to learn to focus on you.
Whether or not you visit hubby at the funeral director’s is a personal decision. I would just say though, you were at his side when he passed away, it was peaceful and dignified; perhaps those who weren’t able to be there to say goodbye need to now do so. That doesn’t mean you have to go, if you don’t want to. I don’t think in your situation I would.
Sending (((hugs)))
Melly1
Yesterday was stressful. Started off OK, a trip to the bank, very helpful. Then had a call from the funeral director. Needed Hubby’s clothes asap. I misunderstood the way it worked. So came back home with 2 of my grandchildren, ( they were buying clothes for the funeral, and I was explaining that it was unnecessary to buy things that can’t be used afterwards.)
Sorting Hubby’s clothes broke me I’m afraid. Grandson all efficient, and took them and the chosen photos for me. Granddaughter gave me big hug, teary with me, then the standard make everything easier cuppa!
I hate crying in front of them. We had very late lunch together which made me eat, because doubt I would vhave bothered with out them.
More stresses during the day that seemed to blow out of proportion in my mind.
Today is another day, and I feel calmer. Heavy headed but calmer.
Before I start today am going to sit in the garden with cup of tea. Its a bright morning.
Hugs for you Pet, don’t worry about crying in front of Grandchildren, it will be good for them to share their feelings with you. Sorting clothes is one of the hardest things you need to do. The part that set both myself and brother off with tears was discussing the service with the vicar when she read out the choice of words for us. We went for a very traditional version as opposed to the modern version.
Pet, you were fortunate to see your husband passing away gently, I’d keep that as your last memory.
I found my husband dead in bed, I wanted my final memory to be different. I’m glad I went to see him at the funeral directors, in peace, wearing his favourite travelling clothes.
I was dismayed to see that his “preparations” had included trimming his eyebrows?! No idea why, they were fine as they were.
It’s OK for the family to see you cry, one day my eldest son and I just had a big hugging and crying session, something that never happened before or since. In the weeks that followed, we would ask each other “You OK?” and it was OK to say “No, I’m really struggling/having a bad day”.
I accepted any invite to events, but always said to whoever had invited me, not to worry if I just sat in a corner and didn’t say much, or disappeared without saying anything. This really worked for me.
Had a doing less day yesterday. Just as well because I am sure I had that brain fog that BB has often speaks of, thankfully because I started to get anxious about my own mental state! Couldn’t remember the names of places, all sorts. Overwhelming weariness.
Thank goodness for the forum, as it helps to see that these sort of experiences are not uncommon or unatural.
Pet, I had to write everything down in a notebook for months after my husband died.
Hi Pet,
I agree with BB, it’s ok to cry and share grief with family, just as its good to share memories and laugh with them too. It’s healthy for children to know that it is ok to cry and acknowledge and release sad feelings, much better than holding back and keeping them in. If you are feeling foggy, it’s just your mind’s way of switching off for a bit - go with it, don’t try and fight it. Just take each day as it comes.
(((hugs)))
Melly1
Today I had the funeral service emailed to me. Had to ammend a few bits. Not the ministers fault, as I think DDs and myself rambled on a bit when she visited. Usually I’m OK with attachments on the computer. Today it nearly went out of the window! Managed it in the end, but my patience is low.
Getting things sorted. Annoyed with the insurance company. Only because they are taking an age to send me the claim form. No surprise there.
Sometimes I thing its all a bad dream, then reality kicks in. Writing this has made my heart palpitate, as 2days time I will be on my way to his funeral. Keep telling myself he would be proud of the way I have sorted, so far.
Pet,
Just sending you another bucketful of cyber support.
Hubby would indeed be proud of all things you have learnt to take on yourself.
Melly1
Strange sort of day. Dread tomorrow but want it over with too. Really will be the end of dementia journey and start of?
Will let you know when I do!
Sending (((hugs)))) and cyber support for tomorrow.
Melly1
X
Have PM’d you too.
Pet, my thoughts will be with you tomorrow.
I told the funeral director to be sure to tell me what I was supposed to do a great help.
Your family will be there for you.
This time tomorrow it will be over.
The service was just as I hoped. I held it together, stood proud, even though my legs were shaking. Heard the giggles at the humour I put in and heard the tears too. The get together afterwards went well. Some silly remarks from Hubby’s estranged sister, but I just said its not the road we should go down.
Everyone said what a lovely service.
Very very proud of my family. Hubby would be too. So from my start of the journey, joining the forum in March 2016 to today has been a long one, and with the help of my forum friends I’ve coped.